Tuesday, December 20, 2011
“Be neither a pessimist nor an optimist, but a leader. A pessimist complaints about what is, an optimist expects the adverse conditions to improve, but a leader takes action to adjust and ensure that they’re ready to cope with whatever may be.”
This is an interesting perspective to me, since I have always considered myself something of a pessimist. I have also never thought about how I react to life’s challenges as a reflection of whether not I have leadership capabilities. I have always looked at leadership as being able to relate to, motivate and to some degree control people. I am something of a push over, so I have always believed that to have worked against me.
I am now starting to wonder if my perspective on that was not entirely accurate. If that perhaps being a leader has not only to do with how I relate to people, but also being the person who doesn’t think dooms day is going to happen and being the person with a plan regardless of what happens.
I think I need to work on finding solutions rather than focusing my energy on the negative.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
One of the many things I have learnt is to be able to sift through junk research. Junk research is based on assumptions and fails to see the whole picture. Like women who have more than one TV in their home have a higher rate of breast cancer than those with one or less TV. It failed to account for the availability of medical care, age, whether or not the women being pooled were all screened for breast cancer and etc. It is that sort of junk science that gets people going in the wrong direction with things.
When I am making a decision based on fact, I will look at the research from about the last 30 years. I won’t do this online; I will actually go to the library. It maybe old fashioned but material on the internet is not reliable, anyone can write it and leave out important pieces of information.
Making a decision based on our emotions or going with our gut may not always be the best idea. We have to make sound decisions and sometimes that means logic over emotions. For instance, when a child is sick we may want to cuddle the child to make them feel better. When what we need to be doing is getting the child medicine and making sure the child stays hydrated. Sure, we may be able to cuddle the child but taking care of the needds of the child comes first.
I see a lot of people jumping on the band wagon of internet hype. It happens all the time, someone twist words around and state things that are not true to get people to join a movement or change their lifestyle. People are not researching the claims but just going with the crowd because it is popular right now. It is sort of like a fad diet, here one day and gone the next.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
My Master believes the cure for congestion is eating something spicy, not a nice bowl of chicken noodle soup. He believes that the spice will open up the sinuses and make it easier to breathe. I am sick with what I think is a bad cold, but I am starting to think it might be the flu. I have been running a fever for the past two days, I am congested, my nose won’t stop running, it hurts to breathe, my ears hurt, and my eyes are watering.
To help my symptoms, my Master had me make a black bean soup with bratwursts rather than a ham. It cooked throughout the day today and my Master commented on how good it smelled. I couldn’t smell a thing, but I took his word for it. It was good for dinner and it did open me up momentarily. I am now, however, back to not being able to breathe.
Black Bean Soup Recipe
1 lb of black beans soaked overnight and rinsed
1 medium onion
2 stalks of celery finely chopped
2 cups of chunky salsa
1 package of beef bratwurst chopped into pieces
8 cups of water
1 tsp garlic powder
Simply combine in a 5 quart crock pot and cook on high for about 8 hours stirring occasionally.
Friday, December 16, 2011
As a slave, everything I do is for my Master from sleeping, to doing the dishes, and even having some me time. I do get time to unwind and relax like right now as I write this blog it is my personal time. I am choosing to use this time to reflect on my life and tell my story.
I think that time to myself and my Master having time to him is important. I am extremely introverted, so I do not crave much social interaction. Oftentimes in the evening, my Master will go into his man cave and I will pick up around the house, check out discussion boards online, and my other social networking sites.
I find doing house work relaxing and it is also a service to my Master. Housework is not something that takes my full focus. When I am doing things around the house, my mind wanders about my day. I can organize my thoughts and I can resolve some of the pondering I have been having in a given area. When I am folding laundry or ironing chances are I will be catching up on watching TV.
When I am online on discussion boards or on a social networking site, it is a social outlet for me. Since I am introverted conveying what I am thinking or doing in a written from helps me to be able to relate to people. It also gives me a chance to see how other people interact and what my friends are doing in their lives. It may give me ideas on something to do for my Master or it may make me reflect on how good I have it with my Master.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
The second thing I noticed is it lacked depth; it had a mystical world that was detailed in a completely sloppy manner. The fact that the detail lacked relevance and purpose gave this fictional world no context. About half way through the book, the terrible grammar and lack of content caused me to put the book down. I have not picked up a Gor book since. I have zero regrets about that.
The reason why I do not like Gor is it is a fictional book which people take as fact and something to live their lives by. It would be like me trying to live my life by the ideas presented in Star Trek. It’s not very realistic and the people who do try to live their life like it is Star Trek get made fun of, a lot. I cannot have a serious conversation with someone about the philosophy of Star Trek or how to live your life like they do on Star Trek.
By the way, the societies on Star Trek were based on different societies on Earth at different points in history. History was a catalyst that gave them a story line that allowed them to dream up their fictional worlds. They were not creating philosophy on Star Trek; they were creating entertainment.
This same is true for Gor. The philosophy which some claim so whole heartily to be in the Gor books is not. It is a work of fiction created for the purpose of entertainment, not for the purpose of creating a manual by which to live our lives. We are not talking about Aristotle. We are talking about a made up book by an author who can’t write that well. It is entirely possible the author took some of his ideas from historical events, just like they did in Star Trek.
If every time someone used a point in history and created a world around it in a story they were creating philosophy that would mean just about everyone is a philosopher. I remember in sixth grade our class had to write a story from the point a view of a young girl or boy living at the time of WWII in Europe. The characters which we created were fictional and the events were a loose representation of whatever it was we retained from history class. Our stories were fiction, but if everyone who uses history as a base for whether or not something is philosophy my entire sixth grade class is philosophers.
The other reason why I don’t like Gor is because to defend the notion of living their life by Gor books is that people live their lives by the Bible. The difference between the two is quite obvious to me, the Bible about God, is considered to be true and to have ACTUALLY TAKEN PLACE. The Bible and other religious books are about things that have happened, not a made up world like in Gor. When people compare a fictional book to something that is taken as truth; they are grasping at straws and cannot formulate a real argument.
All that said, I do watch Star Trek a lot and I am super excited about a new Star Trek movie coming out next year. But I am not going to live my life by Star Trek and I will happily talk with my other nerdy friends about what the story line might be. The thing is neither my friends nor myself are seeking to live like we are on Star Trek; we just like the entertainment.
I think if people read Gor books because they like the entertainment rather than trying to convince everyone of the philosophy or reality of Gor it would be much better received. I do not care if you enjoy the Gor books or if you read them as bedtime stories. If you like that sort of entertainment; I think that is great for you. Just remember, we are talking about fiction and entertainment, not reality.
Friday, December 9, 2011
The first thing it mentioned was fearing upsetting your partner and avoiding talking about unpleasant situations. When I was with my former Master, I certainly feared telling him anything and I feared not being up to par. I felt very hopeless in that relationship. With Master Howard, I do not feel that way. I do not fear talking to him about anything, nor do I worry about what his reactions will be.
The second thing it mentioned is financial control meaning your partner would have strict control over the money and not provide for your basic care. In my previous relationship, I wasn’t allowed to work and I didn’t have access to money. My medical needs were not taken care of and I distinctly remember whenever I found money while doing laundry. I would hide it away so someday I might be able to leave.
In my relationship with Master Howard, he does have the final say with how the money is spent, but I still have access to the accounts and I pay the bills. When I am not sick, I am working outside the home in a job that we both agree is workable for us. My Master can tell me to quit a job, if he feels it is imposing too much stress on me. I don’t think this is abusive; it is keeping me from having an abusive relationship with my employer. My Master and I did talk at length before we decided to combine bank accounts and I had a separate account for the first two years of our relationship.
The third thing it mentioned was name calling and attempts to humiliate me. I think this is one of those time and place things. This one did come close to being part of my relationship, but the key difference is humiliation is a kink of mine. If my Master calls me a dirty slut in the bedroom or as part of foreplay, then that is going to turn me on. If we were discussing serious things like family issues, money, and etc and he called me a name. I can see how that would be considered something negative.
The fourth one is controlling behavior with being jealous or possessive. My Master is not a jealous person, but he does want me to check in from time to time. Not because he doesn’t trust my actions, but because he wants to know if I arrived to wherever it was I am going safely. He doesn’t mind if I talk to other people, as long as they are respectful and they aren’t trying to manipulate me. With my former Master, he didn’t like me talking to others and if I ever went anywhere without him. I had to have a minute by minute account as to what I was doing.
The fifth one is threatening behavior and the use of force. My former Master threatened me all the time. He threatened to kill me, beat me, chop me up into little pieces, and etc. Those sorts of threats have never happened in my relationship with Master Howard. He doesn’t threaten to harm me or anyone else to get what he wants. I willingly submit to him and I have a desire to do what he wants.
In regards to force, they were talking about your partner forcing themselves on you to have sex or hit you out of anger. Both of these things have happened in my previous relationship, but they have not happened in my relationship with Master Howard. I have had surgeries, headaches, and just generally worn out during the course of my relationship with him. I have never felt pressured to have sex with him. I don’t get my rocks off from sex, but I have never been forced into it by Master Howard. He was made accommodations when I have been ill or tired. In fact, I have been getting these messed up headaches where I have trouble gripping, seeing, and talking. I told my Master I think it would be hot if he had sex with me when I was having one of those. He told me no, because that could harm me.
Here is the article referenced in this post.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Well, to be honest I think beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I think true beauty comes from the inside. A pretty face, nice tits, or a nice ass does not make someone beautiful. Their character makes them beautiful. I have never looked at a picture of someone and thought that person is pretty or handsome. I listen to what they have to say, how they conduct themselves, and etc. Those things define beauty for me.
I think that as a 20 something woman there is pressure from society to be stick thin in order to be beautiful. My Master doesn’t subscribe to this. He believes in keeping me in a healthy weight range which means I will not be underweight for my height. Beauty comes from the inside, so my outward appearance should reflect health and part of health is being the correct weight for my height.
When I was looking for a Master, I didn’t care what he looked like. Physical appearance, cock size, and etc were not on the top of my priority list. Beauty came from the inside to me, so it was his character that mattered to me.
Someone could be the most handsome man in the world or the most physically appealing woman in the world, but if they have a bad spirit, if they insult people and are generally rude. They are not beautiful; they are ugly in every sense of the world.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
It’s the holiday season again and if there is one thing that can ruin my Christmas spirit faster than anything it is the people complaining that people who are not Christian are taking the Christ out Christmas and the people who think all non-Christians should go back to their ancestor’s country.
The argument that non-Christians are somehow taking the Christ out of Christmas is the most nonsensical argument I have ever heard. Having Christ in Christmas is something done on an individual and family level. It doesn’t matter if my neighbor is Jewish, Muslim, Atheist, or a Christian. It is not going to affect how I celebrate Christmas in my home.
The meaning of Christ in my life is not determined by people outside of my faith, but from my own beliefs which grow by doing things like going to church and reading the Bible. I do not expect people of other faiths to conform to religious beliefs. My country was founded on the idea of religious freedom and if people choose not to be Christians and celebrate Christmas that is their choice.
The other statement about non-Christians going back to their own country is poorly justified. First of all, Christianity was brought to North America by European immigrants who forced their religion on the Native Americans and even went so far to change the names of Native Americans to Christian names. I always ask people when they say that non-Christians need to go back to their own country. What about the Native Americans who practice their religion that predates European settlers? I always get the same oh look followed by “I never looked at it like that.”
In my country, we have the right to practice any religion we want. In fact, I can make up my own religion if I wanted too. I think freedom of religion is one of those things that makes the United States free and it is not American, in my opinion, to want to force one particular religion on the masses.
Part of this I am sure comes from not growing up in a family that was only Christian. My extended family has a wide array of religious beliefs. Each religious group typically has a holiday in December. To keep my life simple, I send out Happy Holidays cards. Not because I am taking the Christ out of Christmas or because I am somehow conforming to what is politically correct. It just wouldn’t make sense for me to send out Merry Christmas carts to my non-Christian family members and friends. They don’t send me cards with their religious holiday events on them, so why should I send them a card with mine?
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
My Master has been taking good care of me, but I feel guilty about not being able to keep up with things around the house and I really want to get back to work. Sadly, I do not think I will be going back to work, until I keep up around the house. The rate things are going with my illness that could be awhile.
I have been playing a lot of computer games lately. I have noticed that even with question vision and attention span it is possible to play computer games. It’s not exactly a productive use of time and I fail to see why anyone would want to play computer games on a daily basis. There is after all a whole world outside this house that I am missing.
To keep from losing my sanity, I have a couple goals for each week.
So exciting goals of things to do for this week include:
Working on my quilt
Cleaning off my Master’s dresser
Putting up the Christmas tree
Saturday, November 26, 2011
It did clarify the way I feel about some things and it finally clicked and made sense. One of the things was not to say, “I want a family.” In reference to either being pregnant or wanting children. The article talked about how that is basically calling the childless person an orphan and inferring they do not have a family. That struck me. I realized that because of the way society has treated me, for not having children, I felt cast aside like someone who doesn’t have a family. I actually have a very large family and a number of siblings. I have a family and I have a big family.
I have heard for more inconsiderate things that the “I want a family.” remark. I have also been told by people outside of my relationship that I have not done my wifely duty by conceiving a child. I have never been pregnant, so in the eyes of some people I was failing as a wife. When I first encountered this rude comment, I would attempt to explain that we are having fertility issues. Overtime, I found there is no reasoning with these people, so I just tell them I am not judging them so I would appreciate it if they didn’t judge me. Then I would repeat the same line with every subsequent comment.
The other thing that gets me about being an infertile adult is how everyone who isn’t judging me for not having kids also has infertility issues, in their mind. It bothers me when someone is talking to me and they have their 2.5 children. Then they start talking about how infertility affected them and their issue was not really infertility it was not getting pregnant on their desired time frame. Then they go on to tell me about all the weird tricks they found to help them get pregnant. I tend to glaze over when I talk to them, because their tricks and ideas probably did not affect them having a baby. They are fertile and they got pregnant because they had sex at the right time. I am infertile. I cannot have children, no matter what foods I eat or what position I have sex in.
One other thing that stood out to me in the article was when a mother says she cannot die because she has children. This would mean that the childless person is 100% expendable and the mother is not expendable. I think when someone says they cannot die for whatever reason; they are being selfish. We all will die someday when God chooses. In the case of being a mother as the reason why one cannot die, I think it is a result of poor planning on the mother’s part.
When my Master and I decided to have a child one of the things we decided on is who would care for any children in the event of our deaths. We can die at anytime and part of being a responsible parent is making sure the child will be taken care of regardless of whether or not we are alive. This doesn’t mean that the death of a child’s parent won’t be traumatic for the child, but the child will get passed it. Kids are adaptable and if a support network was setup for the child before the death of a parent. The child has the best chance possible for a normal life.
The other things in article was interesting, like not inviting someone to parties because they do not have children, apologizing for taking a while to get back to the childless person, and referring to the childless person’s pets as their children. I think apologizing is common courtesy and not being invited to parties happens. There are some parties where children are not invited too. I also refer to my pets as my kids sometimes and I talk to them like I would a kid. My siblings think that is quirky.
Monday, November 21, 2011
My Master advised me, I didn’t have to cook a full Thanksgiving meal. But as I walked outside and felt the crisp fall air and saw the cases for turkeys at the grocery store I felt compelled to make a Thanksgiving meal. It is not going to be as big as I normally make it, but we decided on doing a pared down meal. I suppose our biggest paring down is we are forgoing the sweet potatoes and we are only making one pie. We are also not making any cookies or appetizers.
What we are having is homemade dinner rolls, broccoli casserole, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, turkey, and pumpkin pie. I am actually looking forward to our Thanksgiving. I think it will be a nice intimate meal. I have spent some time figuring out how to make this meal happen without over straining myself. I have been sick lately (for about two months) so my strength is not where it once was and holiday baking has always been stressful for me.
I have delevoped a game plan, so I am not doing everything in one day. I cannot afford to do everything in one day because if I start having an episode, the whole thing falls apart. I decided on Tuesday, I am going to make the batter for the dinner rolls. It will last in the refrigerator for about a week, so it is okay to make it in advance. Then on the morning of Thanksgiving all I have to do is let it rise one more time and bake it. On Tuesday, I am also going to start marinating the turkey. I haven’t decided how I am going to marinate it. I think my Master and I will discuss that this evening to see if he has any input.
On Wednesday, I am going to make the pumpkin pie. This way the pie will have time to cool and setup before Thanksgiving dinner. Hopefully, my Master won’t get into it. My Master and I have been having a competition of sorts on who has the better pie crust. We each have different recipes. I think the next time family comes into town we will have a taste test. We will probably have to do this with his family because my family has a thing with not eating the crust.
On Thursday, I am going to make the dinner rolls after breakfast and put the turkey into bake mid-afternoon. The sides should be fairly simple to make and my Master can take those over if needed. He likes to cook, so he has said it won’t be a big deal if I need his help. The most complicated side items are going to be the mashed potatoes and the stuffing, both of which my Master likes to add things too.
I think my Master and I have a pretty good game plan. I am hoping everything runs smoothly. My Master and I will not be participating in Black Friday shopping. I cannot think of anything I want, besides my health and I do not think I will be able to find that on sale.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
This is a picture of a rope flogger I made. The total cost was about 3 dollars.
You will need:
A wooden dowel
Rope of your desired thickness
A hot glue gun
First you cut the dowel to about 6 inches, so you have a decent size handle. I used a 1/8 inch thick dowel for the flogger pictured because I wanted a small flogger. If I was using thicker rope, I would have used a thicker dowel.
Then you cut the rope to the desired length and glue it to the dowel. Each strand is about 24 inches long. I start at the top the handle and glue each strand all the way down handle. This makes it more stable. I usually do 12 to 24 strands of rope on the flogger.
You will want to burn the end of each strand with a lighter so it doesn’t come undone. Be careful not to burn yourself or let the end touch anything until it has cooled down.
Then you take rope and start at the top of handle and wrap all the way down the bottom of the handle putting a little bit of glue along the way to hold it in place.
Monday, November 14, 2011
I do not think it is necessary to verbalize negative emotions 100% of the time. I think that emotions are something that needs to be kept in check and it is important to work through those emotions without feeding those emotions. There are various ways to do this. Some people pray, go for a walk, have some alone time, work on a craft, play a video game, and etc.
When I feel negative emotions, I try not to let the emotion get the better of me. I like my alone time when I am feeling those things so I can sort through things. Generally, having some time to myself and sometimes even a short nap is all I need to get my emotions in check.
This does not mean I am bottling up my emotions rather by having my alone time or whatever else I do, I am expelling the negativity and looking for the positive. I find the positive and I learn from the positive behind every negative situation there is something positive that can be learned or shared.
Friday, November 11, 2011
I made a meal similar to the one pictured and posted it on my FB page, one of my friends commented asking if I was on a diet. I told her no and I normally eat like this. She then commented about that must be why I am skinny.
I do not consider myself skinny. To me skinny is someone who is underweight and I am not underweight for my height. My Master is very particular about keeping me within a healthy weight range. I also like to try to get my nutrients from the foods that I eat rather than a pill. It doesn’t always work out, but at least I have a goal. The simplest way to describe my diet is a heart healthy diet.
About the salad..
The salad pictured has preseason salmon fillet on it that I got fairly cheap with a coupon. They were decent, but it takes about the same time to bake that salmon fillet as one I seasoned myself. If it wasn’t for the coupon making it cheap, I wouldn’t say it is a good investment.
The lettuce is romaine with chopped up broccoli on it. I used a potato peeler to slice the carrots into little strips on the salad. Then I added shredded cheese and toasted almonds. (I mentioned how to make toasted almonds in an earlier post.)
Thursday, November 10, 2011
I am not wealthy, but I love garlic toasted almonds. I small bag of them at the store is fairly expense, but if I toast the almonds at home it is significantly less expense. I like toasted almonds on my salads or just for a snack.
To do this, I put about half a teaspoon of olive oil in a pan with a ¼ tsp of minced garlic over medium high heat.
Then add about ½ to ¾ cup of almond, toss until golden brown. It will take about 5 minutes.
Then I place the almonds on a paper towel to cool.
Monday, November 7, 2011
I have been sitting at home with video cameras on me and 24 electrodes wired to my head. I feel like a science project to say the least. My hair is a mess complete with glue holding the electrodes in place. It is mildly uncomfortable to sleep so I have been a little worn out lately. I really hope this pin points what is wrong. I am mildly optimistic at this point, but I have my reservations.
For anyone that wondered what my hair looks like all wired up, here you go.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
1. Using a completely made up name is really not going to help you if someone is intent on finding out who you are. Technology savvy people can probably find out everything about you including your name, address, and phone number in about 15 minutes.
2. If you post a picture of yourself online chances are at least one person is going to steal it and at least one person is going to get their jollies off looking at it. With that in mind, do not post pictures of yourself if that bothers you.
3. If you have children, nieces, nephews, random children you babysit, do NOT post their pictures on adult sites and/or do NOT post a link to the pictures of the kids in your blog. The primary reason for this is as a child they cannot give their consent to have their picture posted on an adult site. The other reason is stated above in the second point.
4. Do not use your children’s names online, again they cannot give consent.
5. Do not post on an adult website for everyone to see where you’re going to be at and when. There are a lot of weird people in the world.
6. If someone in your personal life asks you why you’re on an adult website; it is very important NOT to lie. If you lie you are only going to make the situation worse. If you tell the truth and do not act ashamed it will all go away quicker. After all, what in the world was the person who brought it up doing on an adult site?
7. Every once in awhile you will run across a troll, a rude person, and/or someone that just annoys you. On most sites they have a very cool feature called a block button. It is best to use the block button on these people and to subsequently ignore what they have to say. If you acknowledge them you give them power; ignoring them gives them no power.
8. Do not post anything you are not comfortable with everyone in the world knowing. Once it is written consider it written in gold. There are some people that copy and save discussion posts, blog post and etc for their personal reading collection. If you have dreams of becoming famous, I can promise you the posts of yours that were saved will become published material.
9. This one should go without saying, but I will put it here anyways. If you are not an adult, you cannot participate on adult websites. You have to wait until you reach the lovely age of 18 where great wisdom is gifted to you.
10. Do not take anything someone says online seriously and do not believe everything that is written online. Do what works for you, but never base medical, family, and financial decision off of what someone read in a Wiki or a blog like this one.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
I think the feminist movement helped me be who I am, even though it is more in line with traditional cultural norms minus my fetish for sadomasochistic sex and pornography. It gave me the right to choose being submissive to my husband and more importantly pick the person I wanted to submit too.
The feminist movement also paved the way for the rise of female Mistresses. Without the feminist movement Mistresses would be trapped in living under social norms that didn’t quite fit the way they wanted to live their life.
I think the simplest way to explain why I am a feminist is because I had the right to choose this lifestyle; no one forced it upon me. I could have been anything in the world but I chose to give my life over to someone, because that is what makes me happy and makes me feel content.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
One of my favorite bread items to make in a pinch is drop biscuits because they are very hard to mess up. I do not really think of drop biscuits for breakfast. I think of drop biscuits more as a dinner item. It is a nice pairing with a chili or pasta.
My Master loves these biscuits. He has been known to eat several at one sitting. He has also come in the kitchen a few moments ahead of me and kidnapped them from the oven. They are delicious fresh from the oven, but they are also good cooled. I have made these for food days at our respective work places.
The recipe for drop biscuits
You will need.
2 cups flour
2 TBLS baking powder
¼ tsp baking soda
¼ tsp salt
1 tsp sugar
1/3 butter flavored shortening
1 cup reduced fat buttermilk
Preheat oven to 450 degrees F.
Mix in a large bowl flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, and sugar. Once blended cut in shortening, I do not have any fancy tools for this. I use a fork. One the mixture is crumbly stir in buttermilk until blended.
On a greased cookie sheet, drop the biscuits using evenly apart by heaping tablespoons. This should make about 12 biscuits.
Bake for about 10 to 12 minutes or until golden brown.
Friday, October 21, 2011
The reason I reference this is because when we are discussing different relationships what is classic in one relationship maybe completely foreign in another relationship. It is the understanding of those differences that helps, people like me; get a better understanding of myself.
For some reason, I do not feel like an oddity when I am around people that accept other people’s differences. I think sometimes people limit themselves to only people that fit perfectly into their view of the world because outside differences make them think they are going to grow a part from their partner.
I have been pondering differences in M/s relationships for years and it hasn’t brought me away from my Master. Over the years our relationship has grown to depths I didn’t were possible when I first started out. When I was a newbie I probably would have dismissed someone like myself as someone who was trusting too much.
As a newbie, I had a very different picture of an M/s relationship than what it actually is. A lot of what I thought was based on what my former Master had told. He based his style on what he considered to be perfect for him. He thought it was a classic M/s relationship.
Two years after meeting him, I had found a new Master who had a very different picture of what an M/s relationship could be. He didn’t care if anyone thought our relationship was pure or classic. He wanted a relationship and a dynamic that worked for him. It was from that point that my Master and I started our relationship. Eight years later we are still together, living under the same roof, and happily married. Creating our own blueprint for a relationship and editing it regularly seems to be working out pretty well for us.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
I haven’t done a lot lately because I have been sick and my Master has ordered me not to do the chores and so forth. This weekend I felt compelled to clean the bathroom. I waited until my Master left to go meeting and then I decided to conquer the bathrooms. I knew that he wouldn’t let me clean the bathrooms if he was home, so I was being a little bit rebellious.
I knew I couldn’t bend over a lot without getting light headed so I got a TV tray and sat it by the bathroom. I put my cleaner on the tray along with everything on the counters. This method seemed to work pretty well. I felt so happy to be cleaning again; I felt like I was in my element.
I was cleaning the bathtub that was my undoing. I sprayed the walls of the bathtub and began to feel off. I was determined so I continued. The bathtub was the only time I really had to bend over and it didn’t go over well. I did for the record manage to complete cleaning the tub before I started having issues.
As I was making the final swipe I felt my eyes go blurry and I started coughing. Then I vomited. I stumbled to our bed and I laid there for about 45 minutes. Once I got my bearings again I put everything away.
Aside from the vomiting part I felt pretty good about what I accomplished. My Master rolled his eyes when I told him this story. He said that he is glad I am getting around a little bit more but I am certainly not up to par yet.
I think the next time I have the urge to clean the bathroom, I will ask my Master to scrub the bathtub until we get whatever is wrong with me figured out.
Note: Image above was taken in Hot Springs, AR at a historic bathhouse by me. I thought it was fitting. In the 1800s in was believed that the spring water had healing properties so people would come from all over to get healed in the bath houses.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
I do not make fun of my Master or talk back when he gives me an order. I may not like the order, but I can express that to him without acting like a brat. There is no need for me to mention things that is not pertinent to the issue at hand. Even after I state my opinion, chances are if my Master already laid down the order it is pretty final.
I think the little orders matter. If my Master tells me he likes something a certain way, I should not deliberately go out and do something my way. If I were to do something like that, it would be acting bratty. I listen to what my Master has to say and I follow how I present myself with his preferences. I may not like all of his preferences but my end goal is to try to please him, not to please my own selfish desires.
It baffles my mind to no end when a slave thinks being a brat is a desirable trait to have. I think in my time with my Master we have had more than one run in with a brat on our search for a second slave. Each time, they are rejected because their bratty behavior comes out as an initial attack on me. Then each time upon rejection like clockwork, they will pout and bring up how terrible of a past they had. It gets old. I think everyone has had a crappy life experience at one time or another, but you can either let that life experience define you as a person or you can choose not to let your past be your Master.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Right now, I am focusing my health and attempting to keep up with housework. My Master gets upset when I do any sort of bending over so I am slowing figuring out ways to do things without bending over. I am still working on how to clean the toilet without bending over. Last weekend, I did some ironing but I had to stop after 3 items because my head was feeling fuzzy. Things have been a challenge for me lately.
I cannot drive and I never realized how important driving is to me until now. I cannot even go to the grocery store around the corner. It is an adjustment for me but I am getting used to the idea. I think my issue with it is I feel like I cannot serve my Master and I am being more of a burden to him. He assures me I am not a burden and he is working with me to get past that.
The good news is I have a furry alarm system that lets me know when I am going to start having issues. One of my kitties will come and hover around me and start meowing. When that happens I know it is time to lie down before I fall down. I am grateful for my kitty; she takes good care of me.
Friday, October 7, 2011
I made jerky yesterday because I have been having meat cravings lately. Making my own jerky is significantly cheaper than buying jerky. I spent 10 dollars for the ground turkey and we already had the seasoning. That is a gallon size bag full of jerky. It isn’t all of the jerky some of my family has been visiting and got into it yesterday.
I used a jerky press to form the strips and I baked them in my oven at 170 for about 6.5 hours. I flipped the jerky halfway through cooking. I lined the racks in my oven with tin foil and I laid the strips directly on the racks.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
I remember early in my relationship with my Master he wanted me to shave his face one day. I was petrified of this notion. I was terrified that I was going to cut my Master’s face. It probably took me 30 minutes to shave his face and he later described it as a terrible shave. But perfection with shaving his face was not the purpose of the exercise.
The purpose of the exercise was to comply with his wishes even though it made me uncomfortable. The purpose was to show me that the goal was completion and not absolute perfection. Perfection can come with practice, but before perfection can be met I would first have to try.
I was afraid of stepping outside of my little box and learning to do new things to some degree I was stuck in a role. From my time with my former master I was afraid of punishment. What my Master showed me by this exercise is I was not going to get punished for trying and it was his job to help me find perfection.
Through little exercises like this, I learnt to obey and trust my Master. I learnt that I didn’t have to have reservations about obeying because of a fear of punishment if I lacked perfection.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
My enslavement to my Master has reached depths I thought were not possible and we have made it through some pretty low times and celebrated in some pretty nice times. I look forward to the future with my Master. I cannot fathom where this path will lead me in another 8 years. But I know one thing, I will still be owned by my Master.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
I find my job difficult and sometimes even talking is difficult. I have noticed that now when I see flashing white lights, like from a camera, I will black out. This has never happened to me before. I have no history of migraines or seizures. I got two complex migraines yesterday and my Master videoed one to show the doctor.
I have been looking for answers as to what this could be since it is still a couple weeks until my appointment with the neurologist. I have found everything from going nuts, a sodium deficiency, a brain aneurism, and adult onset epilepsy. I do have a family history of brain aneurisms, which are in a part of the brain that surgery can correct.
I don’t have a clue what is causing this, but I just hope it’s not the going crazy option. I have been having very vivid dreams lately. They all seem to center around letting go of life and moving on to the next stage whatever that maybe. I think perhaps that is why I wanted to get preplanning done for our funerals done shortly after this event. I think somewhere inside of me I think I am dying. My Master assures me I am not really dying, but I cannot help but wonder if this is the end of me.
I suppose my thoughts at this point are summed up by a line from a bedtime prayer, “If I die before I wake. I give the Lord my soul to take.”
Saturday, September 17, 2011
I suppose I have always lived my life on my terms. I went against societal norms to find the perfect relationship for me. I have found the most happiness in my relationship with my Master. We had our ups and downs but in the end. I have had a lot of personal growth throughout my relationship with my Master.
I find myself trying to come to terms with mortality on my terms. I find myself grasping to do things on my terms. With my Master’s blessing a couple years ago, I signed a no life support order and now I am considering a do not resuscitate order. My Master has his reservations about signing a DNR. Therefore for the time being I will not sign one.
I hope that when I die, I was a decent enough person to get into Heaven. I am not perfect, but I hope I did enough to please God. I hope that God forgives me for all the stupid and inconsiderate things I have in my life. I hope that when I die I can find eternal life with God.
Monday, September 12, 2011
I have always believed in treating others the way I wish to be treated. If I am about to engage in an activity that will affect someone else I always ask myself would my actions be acceptable to me if I was in the other person’s position? If the answer is yes, then I feel my actions will be okay. If the answer is not, then I will have to rethink my options.
Sometimes the best option is to do nothing at all. I remember when I was single and every once in a while an attractive and almost perfect sounding Dominant would cross my path. Without fail, this almost perfect Dominant was married just about every single time. My standard line was thanks but no thanks and that he can get in contact with again once he is divorced. The reason why I would decline is because I am responsible for my actions. If I slept with another woman’s husband even if their relationship was on the rocks. It would have caused her undue stress and it would have also caused him undue stress when the wife found out.
I am also responsible for how my actions affect my Master. I am always mindful of how I represent him and because of that I do try to treat everyone with respect and kindness. There are the little things like saying please and thank you. There are also the bigger things, like how I allocate my time to serve my Master. I have to manage my free time carefully to ensure I get all of my chores done and to ensure that my chores do not interfere with something my Master wants to do. If I fail or fall behind, I am responsible for my actions. So if I decided to play on the computer instead of do my work, I would be acting in a manner that is a poor representation of my Master.
I am also responsible for actions to God. Although, I have never been a terribly religious person God does play a role in my life. I believe that not only am I here to serve my Master. I am also here to serve God. My Master always says that I answer to him and he answers to God. Although I am not perfect and I have sinned I work towards not doing that. I do not lie, cheat, or steal. But some days, I do feel like I am something of sloth so I am working on that. It is getting to be that time of year when charities will need more help so I am planning to volunteer more of my time. This way I can work towards being more active and helping others.
I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I strive to be the best human being I can. Part of being the best person I can be is taking responsibly for my actions.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
The rough part of work for me is the social aspect. There is a social game; you have to play at work to keep your job and to move up in the company. I have found this to be true for every company I work for. There is a lot of saying, “Not a problem. I can do that.” and very little of “why do you not do X instead?” There is also the office dynamics of who eats lunch where and meshing with the right crowd.
For me, my relationship with work and my employer is a short term relationship. I am using them to give me money to support myself. I am using them to learn new things to enhance my skills to make me more competitive in the job market for when I drop them and go with a different employer. By the same token my employer is using me. They use me to get a set amount of tasks done. They use me to keep their business going.
I am replaceable with the company I work for. There are hundreds of people just like me out in the work force. My employer is completely replaceable with me as well. As my Master always, I was looking for a job when I found this one and I can do that again.
What I dislike about working is it takes me away from my Master and I would often just rather be at home baking bread and scrubbing the walls. I also tend to have everything wrong with me that can possibly go wrong. As a result, I miss work. I hate missing work and I feel bad when that happens. I hate having to go in and explain myself the day after I missed my scheduled day in the office.
I missed two days of work this week because of a complex migraine. I didn’t even know I got complex migraines until this week and I am going to miss more work on Friday when I have to go for a follow up appointment with my family doctor. To make a long story short on that, my Master took me to the ER because I was mildly non-responsive and I was seeing star bursts. I also had a moment where I was unable to speak. This is the classic signs of a stroke, which I was unaware of. I thought my Master was over reacting. They did a CT scan which was normal and it was determined I was having a complex migraine. A complex migraine can mimic the symptoms of a stroke.
In a perfect world, I would not work. I would stay home serve my Master and work on growing a side business. But this is not a perfect world. This is real life and part of living in the real world for me is getting up and going to work, when my Master allows me too.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
But I got to thinking, why is it dictating how a slave’s hair is kept is so important in the beginning stages. I think it has to do with identifying of self. We as humans are very much interested in how we perform and look in a sexual content. Just walk into any department store and there will be isles of merchandise to make you look prettier, sexier, and younger.
I know when I presented myself to my Master for the first time. I was very concerned if he would find me sexually appealing. I was thin, my breasts are small, I had visible scars on my wrists from a failed suicide attempt, ache, and so on. I remember my Master running his hand over my cunt and saying, ‘you’re going to keep that shaved.” I have been shaved ever since. My Master does not even know what color my pubic hair is (It doesn’t match the hair on my head.). I was shaved the first time I presented myself to him because I asked him what his preference was beforehand.
It did bother me to keep it shaved because women tended to have a least a little strip of hair and have nothing. Overtime I have grown accustomed to it but I know for a long time I had to tell myself I am doing this to please my Master. Being shaved bare was not my idea of sexual beauty. It was degrading. It did mess with my sense of self. How I identified myself as a woman changed and now when I looked at myself in the mirror. I saw an owned object.
I had to accept that my ideal of beauty did not matter to my Master. I am his to do with as he pleases. Aside from my pubic region my Master controls how I look. I wear my hair long and I am not allowed to dye it. I am often ordered to paint my fingernails and toe nails but I can only paint them in “little girl” colors. Any color that he perceives to be adult like red is not allowed.
I do not always like the way my Master makes dress or how he makes me keep my body but regardless of my feelings on it. I have always submitted to his desires. I think it is the submission and the handing over of control is what a Master is looking for from a slave.
Giving other my external self with how I kept my body opened me up to being able to hand over control to the things that are inside me. My Master not only controls how my body looks but also my mind. He has complete control over me. He is able to have me act in a way that is pleasing and/or functional to him regardless of my feelings on it. I do not think my Master would have been able to gain control of my mind so easily if he had not first conquered who I am on the outside.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
In a way, it is nice not having to make those decisions but in a way it is painful. I can see my life moving before my eyes and I have no control over it. Sometimes, I ponder what my life would have been like if I made my own choices. I wonder how it would have been different. I think I would have fallen flat on my face a few times.
I do not know if I would really be able to make it in this world without a Master. I am not exactly suited for vanilla life. I find that I do better when there is someone to control me and when my life belongs to someone else.
It has been nearly 8 years since I have had to option to make major life decisions. I do not think I would change that. My Master has been a stabilizing force in my life. He keeps me grounds and he seems to be able to keep my depression under control.
I have made progress since I have been with my Master. When we started out, I was a college student. Now I am a college graduate who is going back to school to get a higher degree. I have had mild success in the job field. I have diverse skills and I am a skilled worker which makes me highly employable.
I think I am very lucky to have the life that has been given to me. I live a very comfortable existence and I am quite happy. I do worry about the future and where my Master’s plans for me will take us. But I can sleep soundly because those plans and changes to those plans are not made by me.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Sex is painful for me and it is not something I enjoy. I never have enjoyed sex or having anything inserted in me. I am the girl who doesn’t like dick, to be fingered, or dildos. Sometimes I wonder if I was meant to be a lesbian.
I have sex for only one reason to serve my Master. I think the fact that we are both broken makes me not want to engage in this activity. My Master has understood and sometimes we have done alternate activities to help him get off. I think to some degree I feel like I am doing a disservice to my Master because part of what failed with the baby making process is me. I think it is one of those things that you failed at doing so many times that you do not want to do it anymore. Then to know no matter how many times you try you are going to fail every, single time.
I have been attempting at getting the right mindset back on this. We have put the idea of having a baby on the shelf permanently. So it is just a matter of being reconditioned to have sex for my Master’s pleasure rather than the ultimate goal of getting pregnant. It hasn’t been easy. I think this goes back to it is easier to train someone from scratch than to retrain someone.
The odd thing is when my Master and I met I was trained to have sex for his pleasure. Then he retrained me to have sex to make a baby. Now, he has to undo that training and revert back to having sex for pleasure. Sometimes it is odd how life works out.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
My Master has brought me more happiness than could I have imagined. I am so grateful and honored to call him my Master. I look forward to the future with my Master and I hope we are blessed with many more years together.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
To make my little contraption you will need a broom, a cloth, and a rubber band. I use a micro-fiber cloth because things tend to stick to it so I think it catches the cobwebs and dust better.
To get the towel to stay on I use a hair tie or a rubber band. I loop the rubber band around the small end of the broom until is snug but not too tight. Then I push it up the other end and I lay the rag over the broom. Then I ease then I up around the cloth.
Next just gently run the broom covered with cloth around the corners of the house. I go run it all along between the wall and the ceiling. I also get around light fixtures and around anything else that might be on the ceiling, like the smoke detector. We have air vents on the ceiling so I will brush off the air vents as well.
I reuse the micro-fiber cloth. I just throw it in with my next load of laundry. I have been using the same cloth for about 5 years now.
I do not get to bask in the glory of my growing children and vent about the struggles. I get to be the one without kids. The wife who failed to produce any children in her marriage it bothers me when I think about it. I will have no children to talk about; my blood line will end with me.
I suppose part of what bothers me, is my friends have their family and they are watching their children grow up. Everything is going in a positive direction for them. They may not be progressing in their careers but they still have their children who are steadily progressing at school and at home. I have a career that is going nowhere and nothing to really talk about.
My big joy every week is when my Master and I rent a movie to watch together. I review the movie on my FB page, much to the amusement of my friends. I find it interesting because they have a family and they spend their time doing family things and they envy me because I can watch rated R movies and it is not a huge event.
I suppose we both envy each other for what the other one has. I have free time and the ability to function more freely in an adult only environment and they have the family I want. My friends know it bothers me that I do not have children, especially since we lost my step-child. I suppose part of my envy of my friends is I remember doing all the mom things with my step-kid and stressing about the first day of school.
Today, I wanted to tell her something. I do not remember what it was so I walked into her room and I just stood there. It is now a room with a bed and miscellaneous boxes. The only long-term resident of the room is my cat. It felt like a ton of bricks hit my chest when I remembered she’s not coming home.
I get to live my life with the knowledge that everything I did for my step-kid doesn’t really matter. After we lost her, one person said to me, “You’re not a real mom.” I suppose that insensitive line sums up what I have struggled with for years.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
I believe in eating a balanced diet of fruit, vegetables, meats, and grains. I eat fruit every morning with breakfast and I have different things with it. Sometimes I will have toast, cottage cheese, and etc. My Master does like to have bacon and sausage in the morning. We use turkey bacon and sausage. It is lower in fat and cholesterol.
Because of the medication I am on I also have an eating schedule. I can eat every 4 to 6 hours. It does regulate meal time and my Master understands to my needs. My family has my varying opinions on it they tend to get irritated. When it is within the window of time that I can eat I have to eat and I cannot eat early and if wait outside of the window it will mess up my whole day. I will feel terrible.
An idea of a typical day of meals in life is as follows.
Breakfast: cottage cheese and grapes with water. (After arriving at work I tend to have a soda to help wake up.)
Lunch: Grilled chicken and raw carrots with a soda.
Dinner: Shrimp, peas, and couscous.
I do not typically have a snack during the day in less I have a heavy workout in the evening. Then I will eat a cereal bar before I work out.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
I figured out how to make twice baked potatoes quickly. I know if sounds like a small thing but when twice baked potatoes were a Sunday food because it took an hour and half to two hours. I have managed to cut the time down for this side item to about 30 minutes.
I found that if I microwave the potato for 5 minutes then scoop out the insides flavor to taste and then bake for 20 minutes. It has the same flavor quality of baking the potato in the oven then scooping out the insides and baking for additional twenty minutes.
Pictured above is a meal I made with twice baked potatoes. The potatoes even have green onions in it that were picked fresh from my garden.
Here is my standard recipe for twice baked potatoes that serves 2.
1 large Russet potato
1 TBSP reduced fat margarine
1 TBSP light sour cream
1/8 cup cheddar cheese
1/8 cup milk
¼ tsp salt
½ tsp Greek seasoning
½ tsp sage
1 TBSP fresh green onions
1. Preheat oven to 400.
2. Clean potato and poke several times with knife, microwave for 5 minutes on high.
3. Remove potato from microwave and cut in half. Gently remove insides with spoon and place in a bowl. Mash the potatoes with a fork until smooth.
4. Add margarine and sour cream. Mix until smooth. Add milk and continue mixing until smooth.
5. Add remaining ingredients (cheese, salt, Greek seasoning, sage and fresh green onions). Mix until well distributed.
6. Place potato skins on baking dish. Spoon potato mixture into the baking dish. Place baking dish in oven and bake for 20 minutes at 400.
Monday, August 15, 2011
If I did not take a moment as I do I can see how it would be very easy for me to loose sight of what is truely important. It is important to serve my master when he calls me and to serve my Master with my various tasks.
This past weekend for example I was cleaning the window blinds. Three times during my cleaning my Master called me for more coffee. I had to stop what I was doing and then go back to window blind cleaning. Once when I came back into the room where I had laid out the blind I found one of my cats streched out over tye area I had just cleaned. I had to refocus and start a new with this task
I could not let my momentary distraction and the invasion by the cat prevent me from cleaning the blinds to do so would be failing my Master.
I think for me sometimes it is hard to maintain that level of focus when there is so much going on. I do not get the benefit of sitting idle by while I wait for my Master to give a direct order. I can becmome very easily distracted and lose sight of the bigger picture.
There have been times when I have been plugging away at something and my Master will call me and I will completely forget about whatever it was I was doing. I will just completely forget and focus all my energy on him. After I am done doing what he wants I will usually pick up on doing something but I may not remember what I was doing previously for a couple hours.
This is why I feel taking a moment to gather myself is important with keeping me on task. I want to be as efficient, focused, and pleasing as possible for my Master.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
For me, the difference between a privilege and a reward is a privilege is something I get on a regular basis. For instance I get to sleep in the same bed as my Master, I have a car separate from my Master, I have unallocated free time, and etc. A reward would be something out of the ordinary. For instance, when my Master decided to let me go shopping for new clothes or if I get dessert with a meal.
I think in terms of discipline, a privilege could be taken away to reinforce my position as a slave. If I were to start taking the privileges I have in my life for granted then that could signal a problem. I think it is important not to take what I have for granted and to appreciate the privileges my Master gives me. When I stop appreciating the privilege then it may be time to put that privilege on the shelf for awhile.
Taking away a privilege could also work as a punishment and become something that has to be earned back overtime. If the slave feels a particular love of a privilege and the slave is acting out of term then that privilege could be taken away to get the slave back on the right path.
Rewards are different, I do not thing rewards can be taken away and have an effect. I do not expect to get a reward so if my Master opted to withhold a reward chances are I would never know. Rewards for me are something to motivate and to give me that little extra bit of drive when I need it. A reward makes me feel valued and loved by my Master.
I do believe a reward could be earned as well. If the Master sets a goal for the slave to do something in a certain time period and the slave accomplishes that then the Master may reward the slave. For instance, once when I got a promotion at work my Master took me out to dinner at a nice restaurant. It was a nice reward.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
The heat did kill my garden for the most part. It was disappointing, but when temperatures were going above 110 and we had voluntary water rationing there was not much I could do. I would water the plants in the evening after the sun went down but even through the night the temperatures remained in the 90s. I think the heat may have also killed two of our mature trees. I am hoping they will come back next year but I have my doubts. Needless to say our grass is rather brown.
In the part of Oklahoma I live in it is typically pretty green. The ditches are green without even watering. Now everything is brown. It reminds me of home in Kansas and makes me a little homesick. Although the heat was oppressive the golden brown ditches and fields is pretty to me.
I remember as a teenager living in the plains of Kansas and everything was flat. You could see for miles. There would be nothing but fields of brown overgrown grasses. It was so pretty. I used to enjoy watching the sunset and rise over the golden fields.
Sometimes, I miss the little corner of Kansas I used to live in.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
My Master doesn’t know how many times, I went to the ladies room at work or the details of any of the accounts I worked. It is not of an impact on our lives. Now, if something abnormal happened in the ladies room that could signal a problem like increased frequency or pain then that would shared with my Master.
My Master and I communicate about things that are significant. If we spent all our time talking about the clutter in our lives we would never actually be able to work through the important stuff. The things that are the bigger issues we are able to talk through and work it out.
My Master doesn’t often make a determination about what his course of action will be the first time we talk about something. He will think about it then he will advise me of his decision. Waiting for him to make a decision on his own time can be frustrating for me at times. I can be impatient so I have to learn to be patient and wait.
I tend to stay busy when I am waiting for a determination on something. It keeps me focused on my service to my Master and keeps me from trying to force a decision on something that is not my decision to make. I do not want to nag him because that would be acting out of term and being disobedient.
Sometimes when I am not busy and waiting on him my mind will wander and I will think up 101 different scenarios of things that could possibly happen. Of course, I want to share all 101 of my different scenarios with my Mater. Luckily, my Master is here to bring me back down to Earth and get me focused on his decision. He does steer our conversation in the direction of pertinent questions about his decision, not my 101 what ifs.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
I didn’t have a period for 2 ½ months which was concerning. Then I had a short period for about 3 days. This was also concerning. I then noticed my body weight was shifting to around my abdomen and my nipples darkened. It was weird. Then today, three weeks after my short period. My period started again. I woke up this morning with terrible cramps.
I felt like I was having a bad period mixed with the amount of pain I had when I woke up from gallbladder surgery. It was not pleasant. I knew if I kept moving and worked through it I would be okay. It took me until about 6 o’clock this evening to truly feel better. I am very tired tonight and looking forward to a nice relaxing slumber.
Aside from my period issues, my mom is upset because she only has two grand children. I feel guilty because I know I cannot give her any grand children. I will not be contributing to the expansion of my family line. It is saddening to me to know that my little branch on my family tree will end with me. My Master and I really wanted to have a child together and we gave it an honest effort. But we are not willing to use IVF as an option or risk my health for hormone treatments.
I do find it ironic that the day my odd period starts my mom calls me crying about not having many grand kids. I know I shouldn’t feel sad about not being able to produce a child but it does feel like a part of my life is missing and my Master spent so much time training with parenting. I took parenting classes and the whole nine yards in anticipation of having my own child. But it seems it was all for nothing.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
I know I cannot reasonably afford to go out to eat everyday so I am trying to find a workable solution. I am leaning towards just being an office outcast maybe the path I am heading down.
Aside from my lunch woes, the work itself is basic and I spend at 2 to 3 hours a day doing absolutely nothing. Although this sounds like a good thing I sit around and ponder about stuff I could be doing at home. They even have a cleaning crew that cleans the office including the desks, so I do not even get to dust off my desk when I am bored. As with all corporate offices, I do not have internet connection at work and I cannot have my cell phone out, so my ability to amuse myself at work is very limited. I was drawing with white out on post it notes today.
My Master actually thinks this just is a good fit only because it is zero stress, which should make it easy for me to go back to school. I know he is right; I just like a challenge at work. I suppose in lieu of a challenge at work I will have to academically challenge myself.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
I hate shopping for dress pants. I am 5’3”, so I am barely too tall for petite and I am too short for most regular styles. Apparently even though I think I have really large hips, clothing manufactures do not. I tend to find pants in women’s wear that fit around the waist, but look like I have wings around the hip. My best spot to find pants that fit is actually the juniors section and finding something that doesn’t say 12 is sometimes an issue.
This time I did manage to find a pair of pants that sort of worked in women’s wear. The problem was the pants were made for someone about 2 inches taller. When I have enough fabric at the bottom to hem the pants up to fit, then I will often times to that. Hemming pants that are too long is sometimes easier than the epic quest to find the perfect pair of pants.
I did find two pairs of pants that needed to be taken up. I have already sewn the pants to fit me and I am very excited now. I am glad that one of the service skills I have is the ability to sew. It helps not only me with finding pants that fit, but also my Master.
I have been able to repair his clothing problems, his daughter’s clothing problems, and I even made his daughter Halloween costumes. It has been a very helpful skill and allows me to have a greater service to my Master. If my Master woke up tomorrow and decided to have me sew all of my own clothes. I could make that happen. I find sewing relaxing.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
I made cinnamon rolls for breakfast this morning. Primarily because, it would please my Master and the other reason being it just sounds really good to me. I made the cinnamon rolls completely from scratch, which is part of the reason why it pleased my Master. He likes things that are homemade and not from a box.
My Master ate 3 cinnamon rolls with his breakfast so I think it is safe to say he liked them. I am always happy and honored to be able to serve my Master.
The dough I use to make the rolls is dough that can be made in advance and I use the same dough for dinner rolls. The recipe is listed below.
1 ½ cups of warm water
2 TSP dry yeast
2 cups prepared instant potatoes (you can use real potatoes but it is smoother with instant)
2/3 cups butter flavored shortening
2/3 cup white sugar
½ tsp salt
6 to 7 cups of flour
¾ cup brown sugar
1 ½ TBLS cinnamon
½ TSP nutmeg
4 TBLS butter
1 ½ cups powdered sugar
1 TSP vanilla
2 TBLS milk
Preparing the dough
1. Dissolve dry yeast in warm water. This will take about 10 minutes.
2. While the yeast is dissolving prepare instant potatoes
3. Once yeast is dissolved slowly mix in two beaten eggs, sugar, shortening, salt, mashed potatoes, and 3 cups of flour.
4. Slowing all remaining flour and knead for about 5 minutes.
5. Divide dough into four portions. If using immediately allow the dough to rise at room temperature for 1 hour. If not being used immediately, place remaining dough in a gallon size zip top bag and place in the refrigerator. The dough will stay good in the refrigerator for about a week.
Making the cinnamon rolls
1. Use ¼ of the dough previously made. Roll dough out onto a floured surface until it is about 1 to 2 centimeters thick.
2. Mix together brown sugar, cinnamon, and nutmeg until smooth.
3. Pour over rolled out dough and spread around until evenly covering the dough.
4. Lightly press the brown sugar mixture into the dough
5. Genitally roll the dough the long way, so you have a long and skinny roll.
6. Wet the ends of the roll to stick together.
7. With a floured knife cut the dough into 12 pieces.
8. Place in a greased casserole pan.
9. Let rise for 1 hour and preheat oven to 375
10. Bake for 20 minutes
11. Allow to cool for 15 minutes before serving and frosting
1. Mix together powdered sugar and melted butter until smooth.
2. Add vanilla and milk, mix until smooth.
3. Lightly drizzle over warm rolls.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Master took me out to dinner tonight for surf and turf to celebrate. It was amazing. He is also allowing me to go shopping tomorrow for new clothes for my new job. This job is more business casual whereas the job I had before was more jeans and a t-shirt.
I am a little nervous about going back to work because it will be a change of routine. (My Master laughed when I told him this because I had only been off two weeks.) I know I will be fine and I am looking forward to this new adventure.
The job is doing basic accounting, which is more in line with my education. I think this will be a good opportunity to use my mind.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
I did decide to make homemade bread today. It was not nearly as time consuming as I remember it being when I was working. I suppose that is one positive side effect of not working. I am able to focus more on the domestic things and they do not seem like such a big event.
In a two hour time period, I made bread, cooked a package of bacon (we cook it in advance to save time), cleaned the kitchen, scrubbed all the tile floors in the house, did a load of laundry, made the bed, took out the trash, and checked my Facebook account 3 times.
Needless to say, I am now doing the chores that I would do in the evening during the day and spending a lot more time online. I find myself watching mindless TV all evening and playing on my smart phone. I feel like I am in a lull. I am sure being a house slave would be more functional if we had children. Since we do not have children I do not see this as functional.
I think I am going to start working on my Spanish speaking skills for an hour a day that way I keep my mind active. I can see this going in a negative direction if I do not keep my mind active.
Monday, July 11, 2011
My Master has done things since the start of our relationship to reinforce my lack of privacy. In the beginning and now, I am required to keep my body hair including my pubic area shaved. My Master says I do not deserve the privacy that would give me.
In the beginning of our relationship, my Master would have me randomly strip in front of him. It was embarrassing and I think he intended it to be that way. It defiantly put me in my place and reminded me of his power over me. Now, I am not allowed to wear clothes when we are at home. It is an odd feeling at times, when I am completely nude and my Master is dressed or when I am naked and collared at the dinner table. I can feel that vulnerability.
One of the things my Master started early on was not allowing me to close the bathroom door while using the restroom. At first my Master didn’t enter the room. Now on occasion he will watch me and make comments on my bodily functions. It reminds me that I am nothing more than his property.
My Master also takes nude pictures and video of me. Sometimes, I enjoy these pictures being taken and sometimes I do not. It is always humiliating to me when we are hiking somewhere and my Master tells me to take off my clothes so he can take pictures of me. I think I have more pictures of myself naked than with clothes on. My Master does have me post nude pictures of myself, some of them I like and think I look pretty while others I do not.
I think to some degree I like posting pictures which my Master likes and I do not more than posting pictures I like. It reminds of me of my place and my status as a slave. I do not get to pick what is done to me. My Master makes those choices.
I think if I had privacy, I would not be as good of slave to my Master. Because I would be hiding myself behind doors, clothes, and anything else I could possibly find. I truly believe that taking away my privacy is one of the best things my Master could have done for me.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
I think my feeling of doing nothing comes from not providing monetary support to my Master’s household. I do not feel like I am pulling my own weight. I know that what I am doing has value to my Master and that he wanted me to quit my job. But I still feel like I am doing nothing.
I have faith that I will find a new job soon and hopefully my Master will tell me what he wants me to go back to school for. I think the structure that a job gives me and additional schooling will go a long way to help me sense of service and meaning to my Master.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Master says he knew I was exhausted and knew this massive amount of sleep was going to happen. To some degree, I feel guilty about sleeping so much rather than being productive and serving my Master. The last thing I want to be is displeasing to him.
I do think this time off work, all be it a few days, has been good for me. I was able to refocus on my relationship with my Master. I have really been able to focus more on him in the evenings when he is home, instead of opening my laptop from work to attempt to get caught up. I think it is safe to say my work/life balance was off kilter.
I am actively looking for another job. I am hopeful that I will find one which suites our lifestyle and allows me to have the time with Master that we need. I need to be able to serve my Master.
I am feeling a lot better. I even experimented in the kitchen this evening. I made a shepherds’ pie with shredded chicken instead of ground turkey. It turned out really good. I had some rather tough chicken breasts I wanted to use up and this did the trick. I boiled the chicken breasts in chicken broth and then I let it cool before shredding it. I then mixed it with a can of tomato sauce and a pound of mixed vegetables. I then topped it with mashed potatoes and baked it for 40 minutes. The result was yummy. It turned out better than expected.
I suppose being unemployed for a short time has its benefits.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
The thing that makes me ponder though is if I was still employed I would have had the last 3 days off and I probably wouldn’t have done much and I would have been stressed. It is easy for me to see now how stressed my job was making me and why my Master wanted me to quit my job. It was becoming more than my job, it was starting to take over my life.
I have my life back now and I am grateful for that. My Master wants me to spend the week picking up around the house and getting things done that we tend to put off because we were always working. We actually have an unexpected repair of the oven to contend with so that will be on my priority list this week.
It feels weird, not having a job to go to and trying to figure out what to do with my time. My Master is giving me guidance in this area which I appreciate. At this point my work future is up in the air. I hope I find a new job soon and I hope I do not have to settle on a crumby job.