Tuesday, April 5, 2011

April Update

So I decided to take a break from posting on discussion boards and the like. This is something I intend on continuing. The first couple days of not checking the boards was difficult because I pondered what was going on and if anyone missed me. The answer is no one even noticed I was gone. I do not consider this a bad thing but it did bruise my ego a little bit.

Aside from my ego being hurt, my life is looking pretty up. The time I was spending putzing on the internet I have reallocated for other activities. I have been mostly focusing on gardening. I don’t have the best green thumb in the world, so I have been doing a lot of studying about different gardening techniques and I started our own little mini-garden. Much to my surprise everything is growing. I have tomatoes, cucumbers, green onions, peas, basil, raspberries, and blueberries.

Work has been going well for me, although I find myself with a stronger and stronger desire to quit so I can stay home to be a housewife for a couple years. I am suffering from baby fever. All my co-workers are getting married and starting families. I get to head up little parties for people so I am the one that organizes the work baby showers. It is depressing to pull that junk out and it never be for me. My co-workers have learnt not to ask me when I am having a baby, but every once in a while a new person will ask.

I suppose my biggest challenge as of late, is dealing with the reality that my life is not working out the way either my Master or myself wanted. The think I fear most about not having children is having no one who cares about me when I get older. I don’t want to die alone in a nursing home with no one coming to visit. My twin and I are the youngest of my parent’s children. My older siblings will likely pass before me. My twin has two children and I hope they don’t forget about their Aunt as they get older.

I do not live close to my family, so although my nieces and nephews love coming to visit me. I do not know if that trend will continue once they are grown. Right now, I am the aunt that has extra spending money to take them to do fun stuff.

I do realize that even if I had a child there are no guarantees with that either. No one is with us forever and the said child could become so involved in his or her own life and forget about me. I never worried about this sort of thing until we lost my step-daughter. I suppose bad life experiences are meant to teach us or show us something. Perhaps this is showing me that at the end of my road I am destined to be alone.