I read an article the other day about things not to say to your friends who don’t have children. Since I do not have any children of my own it was something I could relate too. A couple of the things that stood out in my mind from the article are how thoughtless and uncaring some people who have children or who are not infertile can be.
It did clarify the way I feel about some things and it finally clicked and made sense. One of the things was not to say, “I want a family.” In reference to either being pregnant or wanting children. The article talked about how that is basically calling the childless person an orphan and inferring they do not have a family. That struck me. I realized that because of the way society has treated me, for not having children, I felt cast aside like someone who doesn’t have a family. I actually have a very large family and a number of siblings. I have a family and I have a big family.
I have heard for more inconsiderate things that the “I want a family.” remark. I have also been told by people outside of my relationship that I have not done my wifely duty by conceiving a child. I have never been pregnant, so in the eyes of some people I was failing as a wife. When I first encountered this rude comment, I would attempt to explain that we are having fertility issues. Overtime, I found there is no reasoning with these people, so I just tell them I am not judging them so I would appreciate it if they didn’t judge me. Then I would repeat the same line with every subsequent comment.
The other thing that gets me about being an infertile adult is how everyone who isn’t judging me for not having kids also has infertility issues, in their mind. It bothers me when someone is talking to me and they have their 2.5 children. Then they start talking about how infertility affected them and their issue was not really infertility it was not getting pregnant on their desired time frame. Then they go on to tell me about all the weird tricks they found to help them get pregnant. I tend to glaze over when I talk to them, because their tricks and ideas probably did not affect them having a baby. They are fertile and they got pregnant because they had sex at the right time. I am infertile. I cannot have children, no matter what foods I eat or what position I have sex in.
One other thing that stood out to me in the article was when a mother says she cannot die because she has children. This would mean that the childless person is 100% expendable and the mother is not expendable. I think when someone says they cannot die for whatever reason; they are being selfish. We all will die someday when God chooses. In the case of being a mother as the reason why one cannot die, I think it is a result of poor planning on the mother’s part.
When my Master and I decided to have a child one of the things we decided on is who would care for any children in the event of our deaths. We can die at anytime and part of being a responsible parent is making sure the child will be taken care of regardless of whether or not we are alive. This doesn’t mean that the death of a child’s parent won’t be traumatic for the child, but the child will get passed it. Kids are adaptable and if a support network was setup for the child before the death of a parent. The child has the best chance possible for a normal life.
The other things in article was interesting, like not inviting someone to parties because they do not have children, apologizing for taking a while to get back to the childless person, and referring to the childless person’s pets as their children. I think apologizing is common courtesy and not being invited to parties happens. There are some parties where children are not invited too. I also refer to my pets as my kids sometimes and I talk to them like I would a kid. My siblings think that is quirky.