Thursday, September 29, 2011

Cognitive Issues

I have been pondering what to write about and I am drawing a blank. I am on bed rest currently until I get in to see the neurologist. I went to the ER once for what they considered to be a complex migraine, but ever since then I have been having odd issues. I got another complex migraine that was worse a few days after the ER visit and since then everyday tasks have become difficult. I was home alone when that happened and I couldn’t get up to push the button for an ambulance and I couldn’t figure out how to work my phone to call my Master. I do not remember being scared.

I find my job difficult and sometimes even talking is difficult. I have noticed that now when I see flashing white lights, like from a camera, I will black out. This has never happened to me before. I have no history of migraines or seizures. I got two complex migraines yesterday and my Master videoed one to show the doctor.

I have been looking for answers as to what this could be since it is still a couple weeks until my appointment with the neurologist. I have found everything from going nuts, a sodium deficiency, a brain aneurism, and adult onset epilepsy. I do have a family history of brain aneurisms, which are in a part of the brain that surgery can correct.

I don’t have a clue what is causing this, but I just hope it’s not the going crazy option. I have been having very vivid dreams lately. They all seem to center around letting go of life and moving on to the next stage whatever that maybe. I think perhaps that is why I wanted to get preplanning done for our funerals done shortly after this event. I think somewhere inside of me I think I am dying. My Master assures me I am not really dying, but I cannot help but wonder if this is the end of me.

I suppose my thoughts at this point are summed up by a line from a bedtime prayer, “If I die before I wake. I give the Lord my soul to take.”


Saturday, September 17, 2011

Facing Mortality

I remember when I was younger and I thought I would live forever. I thought somewhere in my mind I would be young and beautiful forever. I thought I would always have an active mind and a functional body. I realized the other day, I am moral and death may not be as far away as I once thought. I have always wondered what it feels like to die. I wonder if we will have someone to guide us to the afterlife or if it is a journey we must take alone.

I suppose I have always lived my life on my terms. I went against societal norms to find the perfect relationship for me. I have found the most happiness in my relationship with my Master. We had our ups and downs but in the end. I have had a lot of personal growth throughout my relationship with my Master.

I find myself trying to come to terms with mortality on my terms. I find myself grasping to do things on my terms. With my Master’s blessing a couple years ago, I signed a no life support order and now I am considering a do not resuscitate order. My Master has his reservations about signing a DNR. Therefore for the time being I will not sign one.

I hope that when I die, I was a decent enough person to get into Heaven. I am not perfect, but I hope I did enough to please God. I hope that God forgives me for all the stupid and inconsiderate things I have in my life. I hope that when I die I can find eternal life with God.


Monday, September 12, 2011

Responsibility of Actions

We are all responsible for our actions. I am responsible for my actions to my Master and I am also responsible for my actions and how my actions affect the people around me. Before I take an action, I think about how my actions will affect others, my Master, and how God would view it. Being a slave does not mean I am not responsible for my actions. I would say that I am even more accountable for actions as a slave than I was when I was unowned.

I have always believed in treating others the way I wish to be treated. If I am about to engage in an activity that will affect someone else I always ask myself would my actions be acceptable to me if I was in the other person’s position? If the answer is yes, then I feel my actions will be okay. If the answer is not, then I will have to rethink my options.

Sometimes the best option is to do nothing at all. I remember when I was single and every once in a while an attractive and almost perfect sounding Dominant would cross my path. Without fail, this almost perfect Dominant was married just about every single time. My standard line was thanks but no thanks and that he can get in contact with again once he is divorced. The reason why I would decline is because I am responsible for my actions. If I slept with another woman’s husband even if their relationship was on the rocks. It would have caused her undue stress and it would have also caused him undue stress when the wife found out.

I am also responsible for how my actions affect my Master. I am always mindful of how I represent him and because of that I do try to treat everyone with respect and kindness. There are the little things like saying please and thank you. There are also the bigger things, like how I allocate my time to serve my Master. I have to manage my free time carefully to ensure I get all of my chores done and to ensure that my chores do not interfere with something my Master wants to do. If I fail or fall behind, I am responsible for my actions. So if I decided to play on the computer instead of do my work, I would be acting in a manner that is a poor representation of my Master.

I am also responsible for actions to God. Although, I have never been a terribly religious person God does play a role in my life. I believe that not only am I here to serve my Master. I am also here to serve God. My Master always says that I answer to him and he answers to God. Although I am not perfect and I have sinned I work towards not doing that. I do not lie, cheat, or steal. But some days, I do feel like I am something of sloth so I am working on that. It is getting to be that time of year when charities will need more help so I am planning to volunteer more of my time. This way I can work towards being more active and helping others.

I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I strive to be the best human being I can. Part of being the best person I can be is taking responsibly for my actions.


Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Love/Hate Relationship with Work

I have a love/hate relationship with work. I love the idea of working because it provides me with something to do and it is a great way to serve my Master. I am able to bring in money to the household, work on my social skills, and hone my work related skills. I am always trying to learn new things at work, which is great. It keeps my mind active.

The rough part of work for me is the social aspect. There is a social game; you have to play at work to keep your job and to move up in the company. I have found this to be true for every company I work for. There is a lot of saying, “Not a problem. I can do that.” and very little of “why do you not do X instead?” There is also the office dynamics of who eats lunch where and meshing with the right crowd.

For me, my relationship with work and my employer is a short term relationship. I am using them to give me money to support myself. I am using them to learn new things to enhance my skills to make me more competitive in the job market for when I drop them and go with a different employer. By the same token my employer is using me. They use me to get a set amount of tasks done. They use me to keep their business going.

I am replaceable with the company I work for. There are hundreds of people just like me out in the work force. My employer is completely replaceable with me as well. As my Master always, I was looking for a job when I found this one and I can do that again.

What I dislike about working is it takes me away from my Master and I would often just rather be at home baking bread and scrubbing the walls. I also tend to have everything wrong with me that can possibly go wrong. As a result, I miss work. I hate missing work and I feel bad when that happens. I hate having to go in and explain myself the day after I missed my scheduled day in the office.

I missed two days of work this week because of a complex migraine. I didn’t even know I got complex migraines until this week and I am going to miss more work on Friday when I have to go for a follow up appointment with my family doctor. To make a long story short on that, my Master took me to the ER because I was mildly non-responsive and I was seeing star bursts. I also had a moment where I was unable to speak. This is the classic signs of a stroke, which I was unaware of. I thought my Master was over reacting. They did a CT scan which was normal and it was determined I was having a complex migraine. A complex migraine can mimic the symptoms of a stroke.

In a perfect world, I would not work. I would stay home serve my Master and work on growing a side business. But this is not a perfect world. This is real life and part of living in the real world for me is getting up and going to work, when my Master allows me too.


Sunday, September 4, 2011

Starting with the External

I used to get somewhat irritated by a new person’s consistent questions about how a slave is kept in the pubic region. It is most definitely the personal preference of the Master, but it seems being told how to keep your pubic hair is a common early struggle.

But I got to thinking, why is it dictating how a slave’s hair is kept is so important in the beginning stages. I think it has to do with identifying of self. We as humans are very much interested in how we perform and look in a sexual content. Just walk into any department store and there will be isles of merchandise to make you look prettier, sexier, and younger.

I know when I presented myself to my Master for the first time. I was very concerned if he would find me sexually appealing. I was thin, my breasts are small, I had visible scars on my wrists from a failed suicide attempt, ache, and so on. I remember my Master running his hand over my cunt and saying, ‘you’re going to keep that shaved.” I have been shaved ever since. My Master does not even know what color my pubic hair is (It doesn’t match the hair on my head.). I was shaved the first time I presented myself to him because I asked him what his preference was beforehand.

It did bother me to keep it shaved because women tended to have a least a little strip of hair and have nothing. Overtime I have grown accustomed to it but I know for a long time I had to tell myself I am doing this to please my Master. Being shaved bare was not my idea of sexual beauty. It was degrading. It did mess with my sense of self. How I identified myself as a woman changed and now when I looked at myself in the mirror. I saw an owned object.

I had to accept that my ideal of beauty did not matter to my Master. I am his to do with as he pleases. Aside from my pubic region my Master controls how I look. I wear my hair long and I am not allowed to dye it. I am often ordered to paint my fingernails and toe nails but I can only paint them in “little girl” colors. Any color that he perceives to be adult like red is not allowed.

I do not always like the way my Master makes dress or how he makes me keep my body but regardless of my feelings on it. I have always submitted to his desires. I think it is the submission and the handing over of control is what a Master is looking for from a slave.

Giving other my external self with how I kept my body opened me up to being able to hand over control to the things that are inside me. My Master not only controls how my body looks but also my mind. He has complete control over me. He is able to have me act in a way that is pleasing and/or functional to him regardless of my feelings on it. I do not think my Master would have been able to gain control of my mind so easily if he had not first conquered who I am on the outside.


Saturday, September 3, 2011


I think like any person I have a lot of dreams. I do not get everything I imagine in my dreams. Sometimes what I want is not what I need. My Master gives me what I need, not necessary what I want or what my dream would be. My Master does indulge me but he by no means gives me everything my little heart desires. My Master makes determinations of what I need. He sets my long-term goals for me and tells me when to put others on the shelf.

In a way, it is nice not having to make those decisions but in a way it is painful. I can see my life moving before my eyes and I have no control over it. Sometimes, I ponder what my life would have been like if I made my own choices. I wonder how it would have been different. I think I would have fallen flat on my face a few times.

I do not know if I would really be able to make it in this world without a Master. I am not exactly suited for vanilla life. I find that I do better when there is someone to control me and when my life belongs to someone else.

It has been nearly 8 years since I have had to option to make major life decisions. I do not think I would change that. My Master has been a stabilizing force in my life. He keeps me grounds and he seems to be able to keep my depression under control.

I have made progress since I have been with my Master. When we started out, I was a college student. Now I am a college graduate who is going back to school to get a higher degree. I have had mild success in the job field. I have diverse skills and I am a skilled worker which makes me highly employable.

I think I am very lucky to have the life that has been given to me. I live a very comfortable existence and I am quite happy. I do worry about the future and where my Master’s plans for me will take us. But I can sleep soundly because those plans and changes to those plans are not made by me.