Saturday, August 27, 2011

Sexual Dysfunction

Ever since I got the news that not only do I have polycystic ovarian syndrome but my Master also has a low sperm count making it next to impossible to have a baby. I have lost interest in sex. This has been going for over a year now.

Sex is painful for me and it is not something I enjoy. I never have enjoyed sex or having anything inserted in me. I am the girl who doesn’t like dick, to be fingered, or dildos. Sometimes I wonder if I was meant to be a lesbian.

I have sex for only one reason to serve my Master. I think the fact that we are both broken makes me not want to engage in this activity. My Master has understood and sometimes we have done alternate activities to help him get off. I think to some degree I feel like I am doing a disservice to my Master because part of what failed with the baby making process is me. I think it is one of those things that you failed at doing so many times that you do not want to do it anymore. Then to know no matter how many times you try you are going to fail every, single time.

I have been attempting at getting the right mindset back on this. We have put the idea of having a baby on the shelf permanently. So it is just a matter of being reconditioned to have sex for my Master’s pleasure rather than the ultimate goal of getting pregnant. It hasn’t been easy. I think this goes back to it is easier to train someone from scratch than to retrain someone.

The odd thing is when my Master and I met I was trained to have sex for his pleasure. Then he retrained me to have sex to make a baby. Now, he has to undo that training and revert back to having sex for pleasure. Sometimes it is odd how life works out.


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Eight Years Ago Today...

Eight years ago today, I met the man that would become my Master. The man who has faithfully been on this journey to me and has never left my side. I never thought I would find myself a Master who could love me, cherish me, and keep me even in sickness.

My Master has brought me more happiness than could I have imagined. I am so grateful and honored to call him my Master. I look forward to the future with my Master and I hope we are blessed with many more years together.


Sunday, August 21, 2011

Cleaning the Corners

Today, I cleaned the cobwebs out of the corners. I do not use any fancy dusting devise. I use a broom with a micro-fiber cloth tied to the end. It is cheap, inexpensive and reusable. I try to do this monthly to prevent any build up of cobwebs and dust. I like to keep a clean house and I do not want my house to look like a cobweb fill dungeon, although I am sure some would like that.

To make my little contraption you will need a broom, a cloth, and a rubber band. I use a micro-fiber cloth because things tend to stick to it so I think it catches the cobwebs and dust better.

To get the towel to stay on I use a hair tie or a rubber band. I loop the rubber band around the small end of the broom until is snug but not too tight. Then I push it up the other end and I lay the rag over the broom. Then I ease then I up around the cloth.

Next just gently run the broom covered with cloth around the corners of the house. I go run it all along between the wall and the ceiling. I also get around light fixtures and around anything else that might be on the ceiling, like the smoke detector. We have air vents on the ceiling so I will brush off the air vents as well.

I reuse the micro-fiber cloth. I just throw it in with my next load of laundry. I have been using the same cloth for about 5 years now.


Being Childless

There are times when I feel like a loser. I was scrolling through my FB page which is home to my vanilla friends. It was filled with pictures of their kids and separation woes for the coming first day of school. My page was filled with pictures of my cats.

I do not get to bask in the glory of my growing children and vent about the struggles. I get to be the one without kids. The wife who failed to produce any children in her marriage it bothers me when I think about it. I will have no children to talk about; my blood line will end with me.

I suppose part of what bothers me, is my friends have their family and they are watching their children grow up. Everything is going in a positive direction for them. They may not be progressing in their careers but they still have their children who are steadily progressing at school and at home. I have a career that is going nowhere and nothing to really talk about.

My big joy every week is when my Master and I rent a movie to watch together. I review the movie on my FB page, much to the amusement of my friends. I find it interesting because they have a family and they spend their time doing family things and they envy me because I can watch rated R movies and it is not a huge event.

I suppose we both envy each other for what the other one has. I have free time and the ability to function more freely in an adult only environment and they have the family I want. My friends know it bothers me that I do not have children, especially since we lost my step-child. I suppose part of my envy of my friends is I remember doing all the mom things with my step-kid and stressing about the first day of school.

Today, I wanted to tell her something. I do not remember what it was so I walked into her room and I just stood there. It is now a room with a bed and miscellaneous boxes. The only long-term resident of the room is my cat. It felt like a ton of bricks hit my chest when I remembered she’s not coming home.

I get to live my life with the knowledge that everything I did for my step-kid doesn’t really matter. After we lost her, one person said to me, “You’re not a real mom.” I suppose that insensitive line sums up what I have struggled with for years.


Saturday, August 20, 2011

My Diet

I would like to believe I have a simple diet but that is not the case. I consume between 1500 and 2000 calories at day, which is about normal for someone of my height and activity level. I have very specific dietary needs. I do not eat fried foods or foods that are high in fat. The exception to this is cheese and nuts. I will that food product in moderation.

I believe in eating a balanced diet of fruit, vegetables, meats, and grains. I eat fruit every morning with breakfast and I have different things with it. Sometimes I will have toast, cottage cheese, and etc. My Master does like to have bacon and sausage in the morning. We use turkey bacon and sausage. It is lower in fat and cholesterol.

Because of the medication I am on I also have an eating schedule. I can eat every 4 to 6 hours. It does regulate meal time and my Master understands to my needs. My family has my varying opinions on it they tend to get irritated. When it is within the window of time that I can eat I have to eat and I cannot eat early and if wait outside of the window it will mess up my whole day. I will feel terrible.

An idea of a typical day of meals in life is as follows.

Breakfast: cottage cheese and grapes with water. (After arriving at work I tend to have a soda to help wake up.)

Lunch: Grilled chicken and raw carrots with a soda.

Dinner: Shrimp, peas, and couscous.

I do not typically have a snack during the day in less I have a heavy workout in the evening. Then I will eat a cereal bar before I work out.


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Twice Baked Potatoes

I figured out how to make twice baked potatoes quickly. I know if sounds like a small thing but when twice baked potatoes were a Sunday food because it took an hour and half to two hours. I have managed to cut the time down for this side item to about 30 minutes.

I found that if I microwave the potato for 5 minutes then scoop out the insides flavor to taste and then bake for 20 minutes. It has the same flavor quality of baking the potato in the oven then scooping out the insides and baking for additional twenty minutes.

Pictured above is a meal I made with twice baked potatoes. The potatoes even have green onions in it that were picked fresh from my garden.

Here is my standard recipe for twice baked potatoes that serves 2.

1 large Russet potato
1 TBSP reduced fat margarine
1 TBSP light sour cream
1/8 cup cheddar cheese
1/8 cup milk
¼ tsp salt
½ tsp Greek seasoning
½ tsp sage
1 TBSP fresh green onions

1. Preheat oven to 400.
2. Clean potato and poke several times with knife, microwave for 5 minutes on high.
3. Remove potato from microwave and cut in half. Gently remove insides with spoon and place in a bowl. Mash the potatoes with a fork until smooth.
4. Add margarine and sour cream. Mix until smooth. Add milk and continue mixing until smooth.
5. Add remaining ingredients (cheese, salt, Greek seasoning, sage and fresh green onions). Mix until well distributed.
6. Place potato skins on baking dish. Spoon potato mixture into the baking dish. Place baking dish in oven and bake for 20 minutes at 400.


Monday, August 15, 2011

Distractions in Service

Sometimes I ponder about the importance of being able to deal with distractions with my service to my Master. Oftentimes I find myself in the middle of a task and my Master will beckon my attention. I find that sometimes I will pause before I respond. This isn’t out of any sort of disobiedence but rather I am quickly collecting my thoughts so I do not loss sight of the task.

If I did not take a moment as I do I can see how it would be very easy for me to loose sight of what is truely important. It is important to serve my master when he calls me and to serve my Master with my various tasks.

This past weekend for example I was cleaning the window blinds. Three times during my cleaning my Master called me for more coffee. I had to stop what I was doing and then go back to window blind cleaning. Once when I came back into the room where I had laid out the blind I found one of my cats streched out over tye area I had just cleaned. I had to refocus and start a new with this task
I could not let my momentary distraction and the invasion by the cat prevent me from cleaning the blinds to do so would be failing my Master.

I think for me sometimes it is hard to maintain that level of focus when there is so much going on. I do not get the benefit of sitting idle by while I wait for my Master to give a direct order. I can becmome very easily distracted and lose sight of the bigger picture.

There have been times when I have been plugging away at something and my Master will call me and I will completely forget about whatever it was I was doing. I will just completely forget and focus all my energy on him. After I am done doing what he wants I will usually pick up on doing something but I may not remember what I was doing previously for a couple hours.

This is why I feel taking a moment to gather myself is important with keeping me on task. I want to be as efficient, focused, and pleasing as possible for my Master.


Saturday, August 13, 2011

Rewards and Privileges

I was pondering recently, in my spare time at work, the differences between privileges and rewards. I do have quite a few privileges in my life. My Master also rewards me on a regular basis.

For me, the difference between a privilege and a reward is a privilege is something I get on a regular basis. For instance I get to sleep in the same bed as my Master, I have a car separate from my Master, I have unallocated free time, and etc. A reward would be something out of the ordinary. For instance, when my Master decided to let me go shopping for new clothes or if I get dessert with a meal.

I think in terms of discipline, a privilege could be taken away to reinforce my position as a slave. If I were to start taking the privileges I have in my life for granted then that could signal a problem. I think it is important not to take what I have for granted and to appreciate the privileges my Master gives me. When I stop appreciating the privilege then it may be time to put that privilege on the shelf for awhile.

Taking away a privilege could also work as a punishment and become something that has to be earned back overtime. If the slave feels a particular love of a privilege and the slave is acting out of term then that privilege could be taken away to get the slave back on the right path.

Rewards are different, I do not thing rewards can be taken away and have an effect. I do not expect to get a reward so if my Master opted to withhold a reward chances are I would never know. Rewards for me are something to motivate and to give me that little extra bit of drive when I need it. A reward makes me feel valued and loved by my Master.

I do believe a reward could be earned as well. If the Master sets a goal for the slave to do something in a certain time period and the slave accomplishes that then the Master may reward the slave. For instance, once when I got a promotion at work my Master took me out to dinner at a nice restaurant. It was a nice reward.


Tuesday, August 9, 2011

It was a hot one

It has been ridiculously hot in Oklahoma over the past month; in fact it was our hottest summer in history. We had a number of 100 plus degree days in a row. When it finally rained last week I walked outside and my glasses fogged up.

The heat did kill my garden for the most part. It was disappointing, but when temperatures were going above 110 and we had voluntary water rationing there was not much I could do. I would water the plants in the evening after the sun went down but even through the night the temperatures remained in the 90s. I think the heat may have also killed two of our mature trees. I am hoping they will come back next year but I have my doubts. Needless to say our grass is rather brown.

In the part of Oklahoma I live in it is typically pretty green. The ditches are green without even watering. Now everything is brown. It reminds me of home in Kansas and makes me a little homesick. Although the heat was oppressive the golden brown ditches and fields is pretty to me.

I remember as a teenager living in the plains of Kansas and everything was flat. You could see for miles. There would be nothing but fields of brown overgrown grasses. It was so pretty. I used to enjoy watching the sunset and rise over the golden fields.

Sometimes, I miss the little corner of Kansas I used to live in.


Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Focusing Communication

I think communication is important to a lasting M/s relationship, but I think that communication has a limit. I do not believe in telling my Master every tiny detail of my life or “transparency” as it was coined. I think it is important to give my Master a brief overview of what I did in any given day but there is no gain for either of us the information is not shared.

My Master doesn’t know how many times, I went to the ladies room at work or the details of any of the accounts I worked. It is not of an impact on our lives. Now, if something abnormal happened in the ladies room that could signal a problem like increased frequency or pain then that would shared with my Master.

My Master and I communicate about things that are significant. If we spent all our time talking about the clutter in our lives we would never actually be able to work through the important stuff. The things that are the bigger issues we are able to talk through and work it out.

My Master doesn’t often make a determination about what his course of action will be the first time we talk about something. He will think about it then he will advise me of his decision. Waiting for him to make a decision on his own time can be frustrating for me at times. I can be impatient so I have to learn to be patient and wait.

I tend to stay busy when I am waiting for a determination on something. It keeps me focused on my service to my Master and keeps me from trying to force a decision on something that is not my decision to make. I do not want to nag him because that would be acting out of term and being disobedient.

Sometimes when I am not busy and waiting on him my mind will wander and I will think up 101 different scenarios of things that could possibly happen. Of course, I want to share all 101 of my different scenarios with my Mater. Luckily, my Master is here to bring me back down to Earth and get me focused on his decision. He does steer our conversation in the direction of pertinent questions about his decision, not my 101 what ifs.