Saturday, December 18, 2010

Why This Year Sucked

1. I found my step-child’s notebook which outlined her desire to kill me and her hatred/ lack of appreciation for everything I did for her. So we sent her to live with her mother.
2. I am having massive GI problems. I found a doctor and the medication that helped. Then they changed my medication and I am back to square one.
3. I have poly-cystic ovarian syndrome and my hormones are such that I could have a stroke at anytime.
4. Because of my polycystic ovarian syndrome and my Master’s low sperm count, having a baby is not a good possibility for us.
5. My nice back office job where I don’t talk to customer’s changed to one where I get to talk to customers.
6. I have to talk to customers on the phone at work without a headset. I have a spinal rotation, so the result is severe back pain and spasms. I really need a better job.
7. I found out my big sister really does hate my existence. We didn’t grow up together and we never had a relationship because she has hated me since the day I was born.
8. My Master forgot to put in PTO time for our agreed upon vacation week. I got to sit at home by myself for a week and do nothing. He is off next week for a whole week.
9. I have had no luck with vendors. I ask for product, I pay for a product, and then they don’t want to provide the product I asked and paid for. Then they hassle me about a refund. Really, if you can’t provide the service you were contracted to do then get over yourself and give me my money back.
10. Despite trying every remedy on the internet and suggestion of my vet to get my male cat to poop in the litter box. He still is content with thinking outside the box.

Granted, things could be worse but I really hope next year is better.


Tuesday, December 7, 2010


My Master has never really been one to like sarcastic responses. He feels that sarcasm is a way of masking the real issue and a sign of disrespect. Sarcasm can allow the person to take the focus off the answer and put the focus on the smart remark.

Smart remarks are never complimented or encouraged because it hurts open communication. My Master wants to know something; sarcasm, no matter how justified I feel it maybe, will help my cause or explanation.

Sarcasm, prior to being owned by my Master and prior to meeting my ex Master, was a part of my life. Being the smart ass made me well liked, but I now know that being well liked does not equal respected. Now that I am more mellow and free of my sarcastic replies I find that people look up to me and they don’t worry about me poking fun at their feelings.

With my former Master, sarcasm was not tolerated either. He always said that the last thing you want to be a SAM, because the other subs love them but the Masters hate them. I asked him once why the other subs love a SAM. He said it was because they say the ignorant stuff that slaves and attached submissives are not allowed to say.

He had an interesting theory, but I don’t find myself wanting to say what a sarcastic slave says. I tend to look at their master and wonder. I think that sarcastic behavior from the slave is a poor reflection on the Master. I always tell myself, I have to think before I respond.

I would rather be the quite on in the corner, than the slave making sarcastic replies to comments and the Master defending it as her spunk.


Saturday, December 4, 2010

Chores Part 1 of Organization

Getting organized can be a challenging task. Organization is key for maintaining a successful household. Without organization the laundry starts to pile up and we may forget to pay bill or pull something out for dinner. This is actually part 1 of a 3 part blog about building an organization spreadsheet. I decided to separate the blog into 3 parts so it would not become overwhelming for the reader.

We are going to start with chores. We all have household chores and we know they need to be done. The first thing you need to do is make a list of all of the chores you are responsible for, even the chores you put off so they get done infrequently.

My list included things like changing the cat litter, dusting the ceiling fans, laundry, filing, and etc.

The next step is creating an excel spreadsheet, like the one screenshot below. In column A I have the day/task and in column C I have the week of.

Then create a row labeled for each day of the week leaving a few blank rows in between each day so you can add tasks.

Then from the lists of tasks you created earlier sort out the ones that are done daily. In my case, the kitchen is cleaned daily therefore on each day of the week kitchen is listed as a task. If there are tasks that need to be done on a particular day, like trash day, put that under the corresponding day.

Then pick one or two tasks for each day of the week you are working. Do not load up the days you have to work with a lot of tasks. Try to keep the tasks for these days short and easy.

On your days off from work put the majority of your tasks and the any time consuming tasks.

In the week of column and on down the spreadsheet you fill in the weeks going Sunday to Saturday. Next to each task of the given week you will put a yes for completed or no and the reason why.

Friday, November 26, 2010


One thing that has always meant a lot to me throughout my relationship with my Master is his ability to be compassionate towards me. He understands when I am ill and supports me emotionally. He is my best friend and he never starts to act like the cliché uber dominant. One of the things I envy about my Master is his ability to listen to the pitfalls of my day and the worries of my life.

Compassion was not one of the traits I was actively looking when I was searching for a Master. At the time, I did not view it as either a needed or dominant trait. I lacked the understanding of why such a trait is important in an M/s relationship.

I can see now how compassion has benefited our relationship and has made it whole. I am allowed to be human and not just a toy. My Master recognizes that I like every other person in the world has needs and some days I am not capable of doing something. His compassion allows him to be understanding of those things without the desire to punish me.

If feel that at least for us compassion adds a sort of stability to our relationship and an understanding that at the end of the day we are both human.


Tuesday, November 23, 2010


This is the first holiday season without my step-daughter or any other children for that matter. The emptiness inside this house is numbing. Her room which was once full of life now contains only boxes of what once was. Only the cats go in there these days.

Around this time each year the house would have the aroma of freshly baked cookies and the table would be covered with them. There would be gobs of frosting sporadically on the table and a child in the midst of a sugar high at the end. Now we have a stack of yesterday’s mail and uneaten fruit on the table.

I have been ordered to cook a full Thanksgiving dinner, even though it is just my Master and I. So now a 12 pound turkey is sitting in the frig ready to go in the oven. All the side dishes are aligned and ready to go. Staring at it makes me think about how I have no one to share it with. It just feels so empty.

I also didn’t feel like putting up the Christmas tree this year. It just reminds me of everything that once was but once again I was ordered to put it up. The reason behind the order was so the cats would have something to climb up. Our cats have a track record of knocking down the Christmas tree at least once every year. So rather than putting a tree up for our non-existent family we are putting a tree up for the cats.

It just feels so empty here. I want to move away from this area and start over. But I feel like that would also be like running away from my problems which is something I have done my whole life. I suppose on the Brightside I don’t have to figure out if I should move or not. That is not my place.


Sunday, November 21, 2010

Anticipatory Service

Anticipatory service can take many forms and can be used either to a small degree or a large degree in a Master/slave relationship. This is when the slave carrying out actions or behaviors that the Master desires. What the slave *wants* to do is not relevant.

Low level anticipatory service is simple things the slave may do for her Master like how she maintains her body. She may have a workout routine she does daily to maintain her body. She may keep herself shaved. She could also view her employment has service to her Master.

High level anticipatory services are the slave having enough knowledge and understand of her Master to be able to know what he wants before he asks. This could be the slave judging by her Master’s actions and behaviors what he would like for dinner, to drink, and how she can please him.

The benefits of anticipatory service are the slave will have expectation of what she is supposed to do each day. The slave may feel a greater sense of purpose. The Master will not have to bother will small reminders and can focus his energies on the larger, more pressing issues.

The con of anticipatory service is the slave could misjudge what the Master is wanting or needing. This may require redirection from the Master. Anticipatory service is not suitable for Master/slave relationships where the Master likes to do micromanagement.

In my relationship with my Master, we practice anticipatory service. My Master absolutely hates micromanagement. So for a large degree I have to be able to look at him and make a judgment call on what he wants for dinner, to drink, and etc. I have had errors but he will simply state what he wants instead.

One area where anticipatory service does not go for us is the bed room. I do not proposition my Master for any sort of sexual act. I wait for him to start sex and/or play time. We feel it is not the slave’s slave to proposition sex from her Master.


Saturday, September 18, 2010

Crab Salad

My Master and I love to cook. We are currently working on perfecting a fat free crab salad recipe. Our attempt today was pretty tasty.

We used:
1.5 lbs of flaked crab
1 small red onion
½ cup celery
¾ cup Miracle Whip Free
¼ tsp celery salt
1 tsp paprika
1 tsp Old Bay Seasoning

We are thinking about adding either a dash of balsamic vinegar or dill pickle to the mix. We haven’t decided what route to go with that as of yet, but I am sure by next week when we make our next attempt we will have a game plan. Our goal is to have the salad recipe perfected by the family reunion next year. We want to have simple salad choices that are healthy for lunch.


Sunday, September 12, 2010

My Name

Sometimes people ask me questions that make me scratch my head like where did I think up the name Emma. I actually didn’t think up the name Emma, it is my real name given to me by my parents when I was born. I was named after my grandmother Emma, so I do have a family name and because of that my name is something I cherish. Because my name carries family significance, I have trouble relating to people who hate their name.

I do have a slave name, which is M. It was actually given to me by my former master. It means masochist. My Master decided to keep it because M flowed well with my birth name Emma. My Master and a few close friends are the only people that call me M.

My nieces and nephews call my Auntie Em, because my siblings think it is funny. I am from southwest Kansas and in the book for the Wizard of Oz Dorothy lived in the very southwest corner of Kansas with her Uncle Henry and Auntie Em. I think my siblings are sadly disappointed that I married someone named Howard rather than Henry.

Anyways, I don’t use a made up name when I am online because if I did that than in my mind I would be simply hiding behind a keyboard and I would not be being true to myself. I am real person and I want people to know the real me. The real me is named Emma and has always been Emma since my first day on this Earth.


Wednesday, September 8, 2010


Having a child has been semi-officially eliminated as an option. Our appointment at the Fertility Clinic today went poorly. It turns out I am not the only one with fertility problems. My Master’s sperm count is low and combined with my polycystic ovarian syndrome. That leaves us with IVF.

My Master and I have some ethical concerns about using IVF. To some degree I feel it is like playing God and it is not a road I really want to travel down. Sometimes I think God does not give us everything we want and God has his reasons. Whether it is a test in patience or simply not our purpose I do not know. I suppose after I go to Heaven I may ask God.

I am saddened by this and I think that perhaps I just need to refocus my energies. Adopting a child is still an option, but we would have to complete some classes from DHS and save up a lot of money. I just don’t want to find myself out of house and home on a quest to have a child. I think there needs to be reasonable boundaries on what expense we are willing to take on to do this.

Perhaps that reasonable expense is enjoying the children my Master already has from previous relationships and spending time with our nieces and nephews. Maybe we should look at moving closer to family rather than having a baby.


Monday, September 6, 2010

Climaxing from Pain

I can be very masochistic, which is a behavior my Master and I enjoy but it is also one my Master has to carefully control. If left unchecked, my masochistic tendencies become increasing more severe to the point where I could actually harm myself or more often, my masochistic tendencies can take over my life.

Last night, my Master and I had a very nice play session. It was the first one where I actually reached a climax in about a year. My Master started with flogging my back and then he progressed into beating my back with a riding crop. This caused me to climax twice as he was hitting me with the riding crop. I have some nice bruises on my back today and it is a little sore, but even so I find myself craving more.

I can imagine in my mind all sorts of things I would like done to me, so I can climax again. A climax from pain stimulation is unbelievably good. It is better than any climax I can get from clitoral or vaginal stimulation. A climax from pain is so intense and sweet. In those moments I feel truly alive and as weird as it sounds I see a field of flowers when I climax from pain. I have no idea what that means but the field of flowers is always there.

In order for me to reach a climax from pain it requires a lot of pain play and if it is done with any frequency the level of pain I have to experience to reach a climax increases. For instance, when I left my ex I was to the point of having my breasts nailed to boards and a cattle prod used on me. My masochistic tendencies have lightened significantly since then which I have mixed feelings about if that is a good thing. My Master tells me if I would have continued to progress on the path I was on with my ex I would probably be dead by now. That statement is probably accurate.

One of the many reasons why I sought to be owned was to control my masochistic tendencies. I knew they could get out of hand and start to rule my life. I think that everything in moderation is good. Although I would love to be able to climax from pain more often than once per year I know my Master will make it happen, no more often than is reasonable or safe for me.

I suppose, as much as I don’t want to admit it, not giving me everything I want, when I want it, is part of being a responsible owner. My Master is a good man.


Saturday, September 4, 2010

Photoshopping is not for me

I don’t like photoshopped pictures. I strongly feel that photoshopping makes a person ugly, speaks of their insecurities, and lakes realism. I don’t like the Barbie doll look that photoshopping does. I think misplaced hairs, blemishes, scars, bumps, and bruises are what make us human.

I don’t photoshop any of my images, if someone does not like my scars, my blemishes, and etc, then they are not really interested in knowing me. Each of my scars tell a story, why would I want to edit those out of my pictures? Why would I want to remove a blemish? I am human and I like people seeing the real me.

For the life of me, I cannot figure out why people who take fetish pictures use photoshop to remove bumps and bruises. When I first became interested in BDSM having marks was cool. Now it is something people edit out of the picture. I don’t understand that. If I get a cool bruise from a spanking, canning, or flogging I want to show that off.

Most of the ‘fetish’ pictures are not any more interesting than a picture you would see in Playboy. That is not very BDSM that is vanilla. So I don’t know, maybe the BDSM community is seeing an influx of vanilla people that like to take dirty pictures of themselves and since they like to take dirty pictures that must make them either a submissive or a slave.

Anyways, I will continue to share my pictures that are photoshopped free because I have a commitment to being real.


Tuesday, August 10, 2010

My Doctor’s Visit

So after a month of wondering, why am I having neon yellow diarrhea five times a day? I have an answer, not a great answer, not an answer I entirely believe, but an answer none the less. My liver is working slightly on overtime and producing way to much bile. Since I don’t have a gallbladder to stop the bile it goes directly into my intestine. This caused the bacteria in my intestine to get messed up and somehow caused me to have a lack of appetite.

The end result was the GI doctor putting me on three different medications, one of which I have to take with every meal. I now have a pill case to keep track of all my medication, but I can already tell it is making a slight difference. So I think the doctor might be on the right track with this.

The good news is I don’t have cancer, colitis, or anything life threatening. For that, I am pretty happy. I am still not thrilled about my new medication schedule. But as my Master said, I will just have to get over it.


Sunday, July 25, 2010

1950s Household with a Modern Twist

I consider the household my Master has to be 1950s style with a twist. Our household is led by him, he has the final say, and he is the main breadwinner. We both work full-time, but he also works a second job in the evening. My second job is keeping up the house, cooking meals, and etc. We each have our defined roles and I know my place in the world.

I consider what we have to be a 1950s style household while living in the modern world. I work, not only because I like contributing to my Master’s household but because we need the money.

I manage to pull off mostly everything a 1950 wife and mother did with working. I cook the meals from scratch, I clean the house, I attend school functions, I volunteer at the school, I plan trips with the kid, I sew, I serve my Master, I make items for bake sales, and somehow I still manage some me time.

The only thing I can’t pull off is avoiding day care. When my Master’s child was younger we had to put her in day care because we both worked. She didn’t like daycare. But there are some social advantages to her going to daycare. She was able to socialize with children her own age, which was something I couldn’t give her if she sat around at home with me all day. Since we live in a city we can’t tell her to go outside and play until dinner like they did in the 1950s. If I did that in this day and age, she may never come home. So daycare was and still is the next best alternative.

Is it hard to fit everything in? Yes. Is it worth it? I certainly hope so.


Thursday, July 22, 2010

MMM…. Pickles

Recently, I have been having some intestinal problems and I was miserable. Then one evening before going to the doctor with my Master we stopped at Arby’s for a quick dinner. I noticed their pickle bar. I have always hated pickles, yet something drew them to me. I grabbed a few and ate them on the side with my sandwich. The pickles seemed to sooth my stomach.

When we got done at the doctor’s office, we went to the grocery store and bought a small jar of dill pickles. They were gone by the next day. My stomach issues became mild and more manageable.

Now I am getting 2 to 3 servings of pickles a day. Whenever my tummy pains start up, I eat a pickle and it soothes it. Granted, this is not a good long-term solution for my intestinal problems because of the amount of sodium in pickles. But for now, until the doctor’s give us a better solution. This is all I have.

So I am just going to sit back and enjoy a pickle or two.


Tuesday, July 20, 2010

A Giant Step Backwards

**The following is a rant. It does not name any user names or the exact name of the hate group in question. This blog is very blunt and does contain adult language, which I can use because of the feminist movement.**

I putz a lot of Fetlife. I read a lot of discussion boards that I may or may not be a member of. I like to see the world from other people’s perspective, even if the way they handle life doesn’t fit into my world. I consider myself tolerant of most beliefs, but today I was stocked when I saw a group on FetLife for Anti-Feminism.

I don’t think these “women” realize the reason why they have the rights they do is because of the feminist movement. You know like getting to vote, drive a car, buy property, take dirty pictures of yourself, wear pants, take birth control, and etc. I don’t think these “women” realize that before the feminist movement having a baby by more than one daddy was socially unacceptable and it was okay to beat the wife. So there was no abused card to pull for having more than one baby daddy.

I don’t think they realize that in some countries women cannot leave the house without a male escort. They can’t post pictures clothed or otherwise on the internet. They can’t drive, they can’t hold public office and etc. I wonder if they realize that in these countries a rape victim can get sentenced to death.

For me giving women a fighting chance in the world is what feminism is about. Creating hate groups on a social networking site is shameful. Especially since according to their community guidelines is supposed to create a ‘positive environment’. Trying to take society back a few generations is not creating a positive environment. I sincerely hope the FetLife staff remove this group and put the members that created it on notice for acceptable behavior.

Oh and the crap about people looking down on the stay at home moms is total bullshit. These people have clearly never been to a PTA meeting. All the highly active people in the PTA are stay at home moms and in some cases dads. (Oh but wait, it being socially acceptable to be a stay at home dad happened as a result of the feminism movement.) I got nothing but shit from the PTA because I had a job and I had very limited time available to do stuff at the kid’s school during the week. They thought the fact that I worked was weird.

If you want to be around people that think like you do then go to places where people think like you. If you want to be a stay at home mom then hang out with other stay at home moms. They aren’t hard to find if you actually have children. There are support groups for them and they are the main organizers of stuff at school. If you’re too lazy to actually seek out people who are like you STOP FUCKING COMPLAINING about it!!! Some of us have to work our asses off to get a head in the world. The last thing we need is a hate group on an alternative lifestyles website.


Sunday, July 18, 2010

Dependent Personlity Disorder.

I have always contended that I have a dependant personality. However, I have spent the past couple weeks researching this and I think I am mistaken. I do not show the typical signs of an unhealthy dependency. Since scholarly papers and college libraries are not easily accessed by the typical blog reader. I will reference WebMD for this comparison. I will go through the common characteristics and give my feedback on how they apply or do not apply to me.

“Inability to make decisions, even everyday decisions, without the advice and reassurance of others”

I am able to make everyday decisions and I don’t have trouble making decisions in the work place or deciding what to cook for dinner. Sometimes, my Master will have an idea of what he wants for dinner and I have to use my skill and imagination to make it happen.

Clothes shopping is an area when I do feel the need for reassurance from others, particularly my Master. It has been said by a number of people that I shop like a guy. I go in, I get what I came for and I leave. I am best described as a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl. But my Master likes dresses. So I now have dresses in my wardrobe. I do like to wear dresses, but in less my Master states he wants me to wear one. I don’t, except on the days when I don’t feel like getting dressed.

“Avoidance of personal responsibility; avoidance of jobs that require independent functioning and positions of responsibility”

I would like to think of myself as a responsible person. I handle the bills in my Master’s home. I also work independently at work and if I don’t do my work the impact on the business would be horrible. I consider my work important to the customer and the business. If I don’t do my work then my company is out of compliance with the state regulators which causes fines. We don’t want fines to happen.

I hate working in a group and I hate doing the same mind numbing work every day. I like to change it up a little bit and my work gives that to me.

“Intense fear of abandonment and a sense of devastation or helplessness when relationships end; A person with DPD often moves right into another relationship when one ends”

I am very methodical about the relationships I enter into. When my relationship ended with my first master I was devastated. I felt like a failure and my whole world had crowded in around me. I didn’t feel ready to enter into another relationship at that time. I first had to put my former master behind me before I could submit to a new Master. It took me a year to be able to do this.

That year of soul searching helped me figure out what I wanted and what I didn’t want out of a master. There were some things I learnt from my former master that I took into my next relationship, but there were also things I wanted to focus on more, like service.

“Over-sensitivity to criticism”

I am sensitive, but I don’t think I am overly sensitive in most areas. I can take constructive criticism well, because I feel I am learning something. It is the incoherent criticism I have trouble with, but that typically just irritates me and I brush it off.

“Pessimism and lack of self-confidence, including a belief that they are unable to care for themselves”

I am pessimistic. I am the glass is half empty type of person and I do have issues with my self-confidence. I don’t let this hinder me, if anything I work to overcome it and I feel my Master has helped me with that. I have become much more accepting and loving of my body since being in a relationship with him. He quite simply loves me the way I am, regardless of what shape I am.

“Avoidance of disagreeing with others for fear of losing support or approval”

I disagree with people all the time and I argue with people who post inaccurate information. It is something of a pet peeve of mine. So I don’t care about losing support or approval. I think that if everyone in the world allowed inaccurate information to pass on and be taken as golden text. Then in a few generations we would have the movie, “Idiocracy” in real life.

"Inability to start projects"

I start new projects all the time. I love to experiment in the kitchen and I always have a sewing project going. I always need something on my to-do list. (I write my to-do lists, not my Master.)

“Difficulty being alone”

All I have to say on this is I am introverted. I prefer to be alone.

“Willingness to tolerate mistreatment and abuse from others”

I do have a willingness to tolerate a certain level of abuse. My former master was somewhat abusive. I remember one time in particular when I got an infection (from him sharing me with a friend) and I could not have sex for a week as a result. He was so angry with me, it amazed and terrified me. I realized that he didn’t have my best interest on the top of his priority list. Having someone to fuck was at the top of his priority list. I tolerated him for nine months before I left.

I have also worked in call centers for three years, which is abuse in its own right. I have been called every name in the book, but I found my own way to deal with that. I ignored customers when they started cursing at me and throwing a little fit. My typical line was when they asked if I was there was, “I’m sorry, I stopped listening when you started directing you’re swearing fit at me. I am willing to help you but if you’re going to verbally abuse me. I cannot help you.” Luckily, I am out of that field of work.

“Placing the needs of their caregivers above their own”

I don’t have any caregivers but I do have a Master and I do try to place my needs before his. But it typically doesn’t work out and I get in trouble for not taking care of myself.

“Tendency to be naive and live in fantasy”

I really hate fantasy and I don’t understand people that live in fantasy world. Sure, it is fun and all but you’re missing out on real life. Since I am not gorean; I am not living in a fantasy world within a lifestyle context.

My life is based solidly in reality. There are things I want to do or be but I can’t because this is the real world and not a dream.



Sunday, July 11, 2010

Dirty Shower

So my Master worked out in the yard and managed to cover himself with dirt, glass, weeds, and who knows what else. The yard does look good. As soon as my Master got done in the yard he hopped into the shower.

A little while later I went into the bathroom and I saw the aftermath of his shower. The bottom of the shower was covered in dirt and various grunge. I am very glad I decided to wait with cleaning the shower until he came in from working in the yard. I would have pouted a lot more if the mess was made in a clean shower.

The good news is a shower is easy enough to clean and cleaning it falls under my job description.


Saturday, July 10, 2010

The Simple Things

Sometimes I forget how the simple things can be pleasing. Today my Master worked in the yard all day and he wanted something light for dinner. He said shrimp, bean sprouts, or salad sounds good.

I incorporated all three into a meal. I made garlic and basil shrimp which I put over a spring salad and bean sprouts. I used balsamic and basil vinaigrette for the salad. I also put rice crackers around the side of salad.

My Master was very pleased with the salad. It really mad him happy and it pleased him a lot. He was more excited about this meal then some of the complex meals that take hours to make. I think tonight worked to remind me that simple meals are pleasing too.


Friday, July 9, 2010

A Quote

A quote that made me wonder today is, “I am wired to be owned, but I am not wired to obey.”

All I could think is what? Are you serious? Part of being owned by someone is obeying. Obeying kind of goes with the job description. I read that quote to my Master and he had the “you’ve got to be kidding me” look on his face. He said that a slave who doesn’t at least put forth an effort to behave is clueless and is topping from the bottom.

I would have to agree. Being a slave is a lot of hard work, just as being a Master is a lot of hard work. If I started to push my Master every time he ordered me to do something or made up lame excuses. It would come to a point where he would say enough and release me.

My Master doesn’t like the disobeying for the sake of attention types, the ones that get a rise out of watching their Master get pist off. But my Master doesn’t play those sorts of attention games. He will shun and ignore. I consider those sorts of slaves wannabes, I think they watched the Secretary a few too many times. To the point where they think a fictional movie is like real life. In real life, when you start to purposely mess up. It is only a matter of time before ones bags are packed and sitting on the front porch.


Monday, July 5, 2010


My Master and I have been together for nearly 7 years and for 6 of those years we have been trying to have a child. We have not been able to conceive. In the course of our relationship, I have had some medical issues; this has lead us to inadvertently find out that my uterus is backwards. I have no doubt that this contributes to our inability to have a child.

I also fear that some of my masochistic tendencies when I was a teenager may not have helped my chances in having a child. When I was with my first master, he on occasion, put a metal rod up my vagina and shocked it with a cattle prod. I do not know for certain if this action caused any sort of long term damage but from what I can gather from the internet it could.

My Master and I have decided to go visit a fertility clinic to see what our options are. I hope that I am able to get pregnant without having to resort to IVF. I have this paranoia of ending up pregnant with 6 babies. My Master has 3 children from previous relationships, so I really only want one child preferably a boy because my Master’s other children are girls.

In the event I become pregnant, I will have a C-section. I am too small to be able to give birth naturally. My mother wasn’t able to give birth naturally and it resulted in the death of my sister. My other sibling and I were born via c-section.

I don’t know if I will breast feed or not. It depends on if I can. I have done a lot of needle play in the past and I remember at one point being able to feel a little tube in my nipple. I can’t feel that little tube anymore.

So I am hoping visiting with a fertility doctor will clear up a lot of questions for us and help us on our path to having a child. The reason we decided to visit a fertility doctor rather than pursue adoption was due to money. The fertility doctor is covered under our medical insurance. Adoption is not covered by insurance.


Saturday, July 3, 2010

Social Overload

My socialization has been rather high for me lately. It seems like every day for the last month, I have had people see, people to meet, and places to go. This week I met my social maximum and hit what I refer to as social overload.

I spoke with my Master about it, which pushed me to get through the dinner party we had scheduled for Friday evening. He would cancel his friends coming over to help in the backyard on Saturday, so I could have a couple days to myself. I have even decided to turn my cell phone off.

On my first day away from everyone, I must say I am feeling relaxed and better. My Master said that I was starting to act outside my role as his slave, so he knew it was time to give me some solace.

I am severely introverted that is why I have trouble socializing and if I socialize too much it can put me at a point of near meltdown. The last time I took the Myers Briggs Personality Test I had severe introversion. On every question except for one that related to introversion and extroversion I was an introvert.


Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Age Difference and Its importance to me

When I was seeking a Master, I purposely sought an older Master. I am not attracted to men my own age. I wanted a Master who is educated, has life experience, and has a track record of making good decisions.

Education was very important to me. After my first failed M/s relationship I was a college student and I did not want a Master who was not a college graduate. It was important for me for my Master to have a higher educational level than myself. I think it has something to do with control, because I have an associate degree and my Master has a Masters degree he is more intelligent than me. Having a Master that is smarter than me is very important. I feel if my Master had either a lower educational level than me or wasn’t as intelligent as me. I would be tempted to walk all over him, I would question his judgment, and I would not have nearly as much respect for him.

Typically, life experience is gained slowly throughout life. The exception to that is if you’ve had a lot of things happen to you early in life. The majority of people my age have not faced the same struggles and tests as people in my Master’s generation. His experience is important to me, so I know what to do in a situation I haven’t faced before. In situations that are unfamiliar to me are familiar to my Master.

I wanted someone as my Master, who did not make a lot of stupid decisions. I didn’t want someone that partied, lived in their parent’s basement and etc. I wanted a responsible adult as my Master.

Physical appearance was not of high importance to me. I did have a preference for grey hair because I find it sexy and I love blue eyes. I think I am lucky, because in my Master I found what I am looking for grey hair and blue eyes included.


Sunday, June 27, 2010

Volunteer Work

Over the weekend I volunteered some of my time to help out at a going away party for a terminally ill child. (Not a going away as in passing away, going away as in going on a fun trip.) It was a lot of work. I spent most of my time busing tables and filling drinks.

I think it really meant a lot to the child and other kids that knew him. One of them said “today is the best day ever.” I think that pretty much sums up we did a good job.

I honestly didn’t want to go to begin with. I am not a big fan of lots of kids. My step-child’s birthday parties are stressful enough for me. But volunteering came with a sense of doing what is right and I had to do was smile and be friendly.
I felt good about this volunteer work. I think it was well worth my time and it made my Master proud.


Sunday, June 20, 2010

Father's Day Woes

My Master has children from previous relationships and for those children we are grateful. I don’t have any children of my own and I can’t have children. To some degree I feel alone because I long to be a mother. It would mean the world to me just to have one little person to call me mom. To look at my Master and I as his or her parents, not just one of us but both of us.

None of my Master’s children are with us on this Father’s Day. They all have lives of their own which I understand. Two of my Master’s children are grown and very successful. He got to watch them grow up and see them prosper. I think it is amazing that he got the experience of being a father and he is a great father. I can tell just by how well his children turned out.

I did get my Master a card from the cats for Father’s Day and they got him some new clothes. I think by creating a family with my cats as the children, it fills a void of not having a family. So my son and daughters have four legs and will never walk or talk. They are still the children my Master and I have had. They are my family.


Thursday, June 17, 2010

Returning to College

After years of struggling with what to do with my life my Master has decided that I will go back to school to finish my bachelor’s degree. I already have an associate’s degree and with the credits I already have it will probably take me about two years to finish.

My Master wants me to just get a generalized business degree. It is generic and can be applied to a number of fields, so it’s flexibility in the long-term will be to my benefit. I am excited about this, yet I am apprehensive. I don’t want to fail and I want to make my Master proud.


Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Erotic Fiction: A Gateway into the Lifestyle?

I have heard some speculate on erotic fiction being a gateway for many into the lifestyle. This was not the case for me. I can see the purpose of erotic fiction as more of a way to express one’s personal kinks and sexual interests. I do not see it as something to base one’s life off of. I see people who are highly invested in erotic fiction as role players and fantasy seekers. Although I can always appreciate a good story, I fail to see philosophy and changing my path in life due to reading an erotic novel.

The problem with using erotic fiction as tool by which to live your life is pretty clear, in my not so humble opinion. One is the characters predicted in these books do not face real life problems like paying the bills, growing old, illness, and etc. The stories leave out the boringness of real life like when you have scrubbed to toilet for the 500th day in a row, there is no longer anything erotic or exciting about it. It is just something that has to be done.

In erotic fiction the reader is always looking for the next adventure and the new adventure should start daily. In reality, a new adventure doesn’t start every day. In fact as time goes on the days become more and more predictable. The days start to become the same after awhile and they begin to run together.

I regress; perhaps erotic fiction is gateway in the sense that it opens the door to the idea of s/m which is quite different than M/s. Perhaps once spanking no longer became taboo for them they were able to open up into more of a power exchange, which I hope they learnt about somewhere other than in fiction.

I am not convinced that erotic fiction is a gateway into the lifestyle, rather I think if anything erotic fiction is a gateway into new ideas for kinky sex and that is about it.


Sunday, June 13, 2010

Laundry Mat

One thing I dislike about service is to going to the laundry mat. Yes, my Master and I have a washer at home but we have pillow top bed pads that can’t be washed in the washing machine. So about once a month I get to brave the laundry mat and the always interesting characters that go there.

I tend to get strange looks because the only thing I am washing is bed pads, not my clothing. So it goes. This is about a two hour project and I can’t leave while I am washing the bed pads. A random person tried to steal one once when I turned my back, so I have to keep an eye on our items.

I hope that someday when we have to buy a new washer we can get a front loader that is large enough to hold the bed pads. So my charming visits to the laundry mat can be a memory.



I remember watching a documentary several years ago on HBO. They were interviewing street prostitutes. One of the prostitutes said that all women are whores they just maybe whore in a different way. I found this interesting because in her mind the basic housewife was a prostitute. Because her financial support came from her spouse and since the housewife was having sex with her spouse this made her a whore for money.

At the time when I first watched this documentary, I was just coming out of a relationship where I was a house slave. My purpose was to cook, clean, and fuck. I was shared openly with others and at the time I could easily see how my lifestyle as a house slave could be interpreted as somewhat less than legitimate work.
Strangely enough as I watched this documentary, it was sort of a light bulb moment for me. I realized I wanted to be able to financially contribute to household without sex being construed as a way of contributing. It was at that point I decided that in my next relationship I wanted to work full-time and I refocused myself on education.

One thing I failed to account for was the difference in income between me and an established professional. My Master now makes significantly more money than me, which has allowed us a comfortable lifestyle. My Master doesn’t hold this against me, but he does call me a whore on a regular basis and he is correct. If it wasn’t for his income we would not have the lifestyle we have and I would not be a part of that if I didn’t have sex with him.

So I think at least in my case the street prostitute was right. I am a whore, just not in the same way as her. I am however happy to be a whore for my Master. It makes me feel content.


Friday, June 11, 2010

Willed Ignorance

One question that always floats in the back of my mind, as a slave is if, momentary forgetfulness of given task is willed ignorance. Is this behavior, nothing more than a mechanism by which to receive attention from one’s Master? At the same time is an unwillingness to learn a new task under the banner of “I can’t” nothing more than willed ignorance?

I think perhaps so. Sometimes when I really don’t want to do something. I loose sight of it or I forget minor details about whatever it is I am doing. I think it is a negative characteristic that I have which to become a better slave for my Master must be over come.

When I loose sight of a given task it is brought to my attention by my Master. Something simple I would not have normally received any recognition from is now the focus of my Master’s attention. My Master gives me a correction as a warning and it doesn’t happen again. But I still had that moment of extra attention from him, where I drove him away from what ever else he was doing . This I see as a negative. My purpose is to improve his life, not to further complicate his life.

I don’t as a rule say I can’t do something. I will always at least try. I may fail the first few times but eventually I will get the hang of it and even become good at it. I think that when someone is capable of doing something but refuses with a blanket answer of ‘I can’t’ it is nothing more than simple disobedience. But I can’t help but wonder if by saying ‘I can’t’ is in fact a way for some to opt out of a challenge. So instead rising up to a challenge they avoid the challenge and choose to remain unskilled in the given area. This to me is a form of willed ignorance.


Wednesday, June 9, 2010

An Overview

I have been in a Master/slave relationship with Master Howard since 2003 and we have been married since 2003. This is my second Master/slave relationship. I have been in the lifestyle since 2001. The foundation of my relationship with my Master is service.

I am masochistic, but I would not describe my Master as sadistic. He does work hard to control my masochistic tendencies. I will talk more about that in future blogs.

I like to work out and I have a goal of running half a marathon by October of 2010. Only time will tell how that will play out.

I work outside the home full-time. I am not currently a house slave but I have been one in the past. Staying at home all day is just not my cup of tea. My blog posts maybe slightly sporadic depending on my work week and the demands my Master has of me.

I have no children of my own but my Master has children from past relationships. I would love to be a mother, but I am not able to have children. I do envy those who are able to have families. I would love to even have just one child to call me mom but I know that is not possible. I find it sad when people don't appear to be thankful for the children they do have and whine about how they want more children.


Re-starting my Blog

It has been a couple years since I have blogged and after careful consideration I have decided to restart my blog. My blog does contain adult content, as I will be writing about the many facets of my life. If you are not of legal age or if you find this offensive; please do not read my blog.

If you have any questions for me, please feel free to ask.