Struggling

I have been struggling a lot lately and the thoughts of suicide have not been getting better.  On Thursday, I talked to a clinician over the phone as part of the EAP (Employee Assistance Program) coverage for behavioral health issues. The clinician wanted me to go to the hospital. I declined, because I just don’t want to be locked up like that.

Yesterday, I was pondering taking the old prescription medicine we had in the cabinet and I even fiddled with the containers while my Master wasn’t home. I became very uneasy and unsure of myself. I wanted to take the pills but I knew that it may not work and my Master would be upset.  I decided to lie down and go to sleep. My rest was very agitated but the sleep seemed to help.

Today, my Master and I went shopping. There were unattended children who were playing with a cart and decided to ram it into us. I asked where the children’s parents were and after I found the mother, if you can call her that. She became very defensive and started swearing at me. She wanted me to mind my own business, even though her children were assaulting us. Then the boyfriend or whatever started threatening my Master and my Master starred at him until he walked away. Stuff like this is why I hate humanity. After I got home my head was still racing from the poor parents which seemed to reflect my view on not wanting to be part of this world. 

I paced around the bedroom at home for a few minutes while my Master was in the other room. I cautiously walked over the toy box and I pulled out the knife which has a razor end. I walked into the bathroom and I sat down on the counter. I starred at my right arm for a moment and I focused on a blood vessel that was popping out from the surface. I slowly put the knife up to my arm and I started to push down on the tip. As, I felt the tip enter my skin I heard a clatter in the bedroom. I thought it was my Master. I put the knife down quickly and I got up to see.

It was just my cat and the cat was glaring at me. It was then that I realized that I might need help. I located my Master and I told him that I think I might have to go to the hospital. He agreed and quickly got dressed. On the way to the hospital, I started to have second thoughts about getting admitted into the psychiatric ward because I didn’t want to feel trapped. I know that once I voluntarily enter the hospital for this problem I cannot leave until I get cleared by the doctor.

I convinced my Master just to drive around for awhile and then he asked if I wanted to walk around somewhere for a bit. I agreed. After we got some water, we went to a walking trail we had not been to in sometime. We wandered around for about an hour and we got lost a couple of times. I talked about my woes of life and took in my surroundings. At the end of the walk, I was feeling better.

We decided to grab some dinner and we got it to go and ate at home. Since walking seemed to help ease my desire to do self-harm my Master is going to buy me a treadmill so that I can walk at home too. We had a talk about how he can’t protect me from everything in the house and that it is okay for me not to be in the hospital so long as I don’t try anything stupid. I agreed, so as of right now I am still not in the hospital. I am feeling and thinking those thoughts as the evening goes on, but I am hoping that with rest things will get better. I see my therapist again on Tuesday. I am hoping to be able to make that appointment.

Slipping

*My apologies for the slightly incoherent blog. *

Despite my outward appearance of everything being put neatly together in my life things have been slipping for me lately over the past several months.  I have been having problems with depression, which have become increasingly worse. Over the past couple weeks, I have started to have thoughts of suicide and I find myself contemplating my own demise. It has been bad for awhile for a variety of reasons.

My diet change was hard. I had to give up all the foods that made me happy. I know it is not good to comfort eat, but I don’t even have that as an option my life anymore. I lost 20 pounds as a result. I am now down to a size 0. I can’t go out in public without the generalized public making negative hurtful comments. When I am grocery stopping, I have had obese people stalk me around the store. I have had obese people ask me if I intend on throwing up my food later. I have had them tell me to eat a sandwich. I have been told more times than I can count that I am not a real woman.

I realized the other day, that the older I get the less I fit in with other people. Why? Because I don’t have kids to talk about and I can’t have kids. I realized that despite all the effort and sacrifices I made for my step-child. That will never be good enough for the mommy brigade and nothing I have ever done has allowed me to form a bond with my step-child because her mother decided to use a fucked up form of parenting.  I wonder how such stupid people can pop out kids like candy and how well equipped people can try for years and never become parents.

I had a death in the family in late winter, the day before my birthday. It was a member of my immediate family.  My Master told me of the death and left to go to work 15 minutes later. My parents had already arrived at my house by the time my Master told me. I got to spend the evening with my grieving parents while my Master opted out. He also wasn’t there the next day as he had to go to work and wouldn’t call in for bereavement.  Eventually, he did use his bereavement days but he was still largely focused on his work. He didn’t seem to have much time for my loss.

A couple months later, my job got outsourced to India. I got called into a meeting with HR with most of my team. My supervisor also lost her job. I got told my some of the management that was still employed that the reason why I was rehired was to write the process documents for my department. So that the jobs could be shipped overseas, I finished those documents a week before I got notified of my job loss. I may have single handedly been responsible for most of my department losing their jobs and I didn’t even know I was getting setup. I felt like a complete utter failure.

I got laid-off with notice, so I still had to walk into this office every day until I found outside employment.  After I received that paperwork, I got a lot worse. My Master once again was busy and stressed out with work. He didn’t have the time to help me work through this and process what happened. I felt alone and uncertain of what to do.

I began having trouble sleeping and I would wake up completely soaked in sweat. Every day, when I would walk into work I would worry that someone was going to grab me and hurt me. I felt myself getting slowly and slowly more paranoid.  I felt myself isolating myself from those around me and I lost interest in all of my hobbies.  I didn’t see the point in continuing them. I lost interest in everything.  I don’t care about keeping up with household chores or serving my Master. It doesn’t give me the joy it once did. It just doesn’t matter to me anymore. 

Since the lay-off, I am no longer with that company. I have changed jobs twice since then. The first job was terrible. It was hostile and I felt couldn’t deal with the aggressive and second-class nature in which I was treated. My Master ordered me to quit. I have since found another job, which appears to be a good fit and that is the only plus I can think of.

Despite, things looking better on the job front I am still finding myself going deeper and deeper into this depression. My Master has also wanted to move out into the countryside, which sounds reasonable except for the way he wants to do it. He wants to take on tent living or buying a rundown house and doing repairs as we can afford them. That sounds like hell to me. It sounds scary to live in a tent or a boarded up house. People prey on those that are weak and we would be prey in that situation.

My Master finally took notice this week. My Master is making some efforts now to be there for me. But I honestly don’t know how much that will help, because he wasn’t always there for me. One of the reasons why, I wanted to be a slave is because I didn’t want to be alone or make choices alone. However, because my Master got engrossed in his work that is what happened. My Master tells me that he wanted to give me more latitude and to see how I would function and that is why he became so focused on his work, not surprisingly I failed miserably.

I opened up to him about my thoughts of suicide and we went to the doctor today. I now have a prescription for an anti-depressant. My doctor thinks that the depression is most likely a manifestation of past trauma. I am now going to a therapist once a week for the foreseeable future. I suppose in order for me to get better, I will have to face the demons that have haunted me throughout my life. I just don’t know if I really want to face that. I have always runaway from problems and more than anything. I just want the thoughts to stop. I want to feel safe and I do not feel that in this life. I don’t know what the future holds for me. Right now, I am just struggling not to get institutionalized.  

If I continue down the path I am on, I know I am going to get institutionalized. I am trying so hard to find something to live for, something to find meaningful and I keep coming up empty. Life just seems like an endless series of struggles for nothing.  I’ve noticed today, that the world tends to hate me until I tell them I don’t want to be a part of their world anymore. Then all of a sudden the world seems to care. 

Human nature is a fucked up thing.

Grammar Nazis

One of the things I find humorous about the internet discussion boards and social networking sites are the Grammar Nazis. I think that the Grammar Nazis are a bit ridiculous because nitpicking over comma usage or a misspelled word on someone’s post as a way to showing they are right shows me they have a serious problem accepting other people’s opinion on things.

But that is not what I find to be the funniest thing about Grammar Nazis. I think it is hilarious when they misspell something or if they are a moderator of a group and they correct a post for grammar and spelling and the post still contains errors.  I find this funny because the very same thing they would nitpick at someone else for doing they are doing themselves.  It is like the pot calling the kettle black to me.

Oddly, one the most common misspelled words by Grammar Nazis is your and you’re.  If someone is a Grammar Nazi, I would think that they could at least use the proper your or you’re in a sentence. This however is not the case but they will harp on anyone else for misspelling a word.

They also seem to have a problem capitalizing the first word of a sentence. One would think if you’re a Grammar Nazi, it would be pretty important and more important than a long winded post about disliking someone attempting to show respect by using a slash with lower case and upper case pronouns.

I do understand people getting upset over texting speak on a discussion board, because that is hard to read. Especially as you start to get old like me. These days, I find myself having to Google what certain acronyms mean because I have no clue. Unfortunately, this sort of short hand is becoming more and more relevant in our society where people want things done faster and faster. I opt not to go Grammar Nazi on these people, but if I don’t know what they are saying I will ask them what the acronym means.

I could go on and on about the inconsistency and humor I find in Grammar Nazis, not because I think they are right but because they don’t get it right either. I think that accepting people with their grammar errors and misspelled words is a better way to handle life. None of us are perfect and that is just part of life.

-emma

Fourth of July

On this Fourth of July, I am lying in my Master’s bed naked and writing a blog about the lack of freedom in my life. I opted not to be the typical free American that does as she pleases. I opted to give my life over to someone else because that is what makes me feel like I have a purpose in this life.

I have no desire to have a relationship as equals or to be free. I feel at peace when my Master makes decisions for me. I dislike the whole decision making process. I like to be told what to do and given a clear path. I don’t like the freedom nor do I want the freedom to go out and do what I want. One of the most calming things my Master has ever said to me is that I have no goals and no ambitions beyond what he gives me.

I like to be kept busy with chores and doing other things to serve my Master because I feel more content.   If I am off doing something for me or not doing anything, it tends to lead me down a path of self pity. Provided I am not sick, I am most happy in a semi-structured schedule from dusk till dawn. Unfortunately, my health is not the best so I have more free time than I want in a perfect world.

I don’t really feel having a lack of freedom in my life is a bad thing. It makes the world clearer for me and my Master’s home functions better because there is one person in charge rather than everyone having equal say.

-emma