As I have mentioned before I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. My ovaries are covered in cysts and my hormone levels are out of control. Until recently I have had a relatively normal period despite this. My periods were in no way a reflection of ovulation. My body just knew it had a job to do, but most of the time ovulation did not occur.
I didn’t have a period for 2 ½ months which was concerning. Then I had a short period for about 3 days. This was also concerning. I then noticed my body weight was shifting to around my abdomen and my nipples darkened. It was weird. Then today, three weeks after my short period. My period started again. I woke up this morning with terrible cramps.
I felt like I was having a bad period mixed with the amount of pain I had when I woke up from gallbladder surgery. It was not pleasant. I knew if I kept moving and worked through it I would be okay. It took me until about 6 o’clock this evening to truly feel better. I am very tired tonight and looking forward to a nice relaxing slumber.
Aside from my period issues, my mom is upset because she only has two grand children. I feel guilty because I know I cannot give her any grand children. I will not be contributing to the expansion of my family line. It is saddening to me to know that my little branch on my family tree will end with me. My Master and I really wanted to have a child together and we gave it an honest effort. But we are not willing to use IVF as an option or risk my health for hormone treatments.
I do find it ironic that the day my odd period starts my mom calls me crying about not having many grand kids. I know I shouldn’t feel sad about not being able to produce a child but it does feel like a part of my life is missing and my Master spent so much time training with parenting. I took parenting classes and the whole nine yards in anticipation of having my own child. But it seems it was all for nothing.
-emma
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Bored Bored! Even at work!
I have been working for about two weeks now at my new job as an accounting clerk. I am beyond bored and getting back into the grove of working is proving to be difficult. The office culture is different. No one brings their lunch and we have an hour. I am used to 30 minute lunches and eating at work.
I know I cannot reasonably afford to go out to eat everyday so I am trying to find a workable solution. I am leaning towards just being an office outcast maybe the path I am heading down.
Aside from my lunch woes, the work itself is basic and I spend at 2 to 3 hours a day doing absolutely nothing. Although this sounds like a good thing I sit around and ponder about stuff I could be doing at home. They even have a cleaning crew that cleans the office including the desks, so I do not even get to dust off my desk when I am bored. As with all corporate offices, I do not have internet connection at work and I cannot have my cell phone out, so my ability to amuse myself at work is very limited. I was drawing with white out on post it notes today.
My Master actually thinks this just is a good fit only because it is zero stress, which should make it easy for me to go back to school. I know he is right; I just like a challenge at work. I suppose in lieu of a challenge at work I will have to academically challenge myself.
-emma
I know I cannot reasonably afford to go out to eat everyday so I am trying to find a workable solution. I am leaning towards just being an office outcast maybe the path I am heading down.
Aside from my lunch woes, the work itself is basic and I spend at 2 to 3 hours a day doing absolutely nothing. Although this sounds like a good thing I sit around and ponder about stuff I could be doing at home. They even have a cleaning crew that cleans the office including the desks, so I do not even get to dust off my desk when I am bored. As with all corporate offices, I do not have internet connection at work and I cannot have my cell phone out, so my ability to amuse myself at work is very limited. I was drawing with white out on post it notes today.
My Master actually thinks this just is a good fit only because it is zero stress, which should make it easy for me to go back to school. I know he is right; I just like a challenge at work. I suppose in lieu of a challenge at work I will have to academically challenge myself.
-emma
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Shopping means sewing
Master took me out shopping to buy new clothes for my work. I didn’t have a lot of business casual clothes that wasn’t worn. I needed new pants and my Master indulged me by letting me get a couple new shirts.
I hate shopping for dress pants. I am 5’3”, so I am barely too tall for petite and I am too short for most regular styles. Apparently even though I think I have really large hips, clothing manufactures do not. I tend to find pants in women’s wear that fit around the waist, but look like I have wings around the hip. My best spot to find pants that fit is actually the juniors section and finding something that doesn’t say 12 is sometimes an issue.
This time I did manage to find a pair of pants that sort of worked in women’s wear. The problem was the pants were made for someone about 2 inches taller. When I have enough fabric at the bottom to hem the pants up to fit, then I will often times to that. Hemming pants that are too long is sometimes easier than the epic quest to find the perfect pair of pants.
I did find two pairs of pants that needed to be taken up. I have already sewn the pants to fit me and I am very excited now. I am glad that one of the service skills I have is the ability to sew. It helps not only me with finding pants that fit, but also my Master.
I have been able to repair his clothing problems, his daughter’s clothing problems, and I even made his daughter Halloween costumes. It has been a very helpful skill and allows me to have a greater service to my Master. If my Master woke up tomorrow and decided to have me sew all of my own clothes. I could make that happen. I find sewing relaxing.
-emma
I hate shopping for dress pants. I am 5’3”, so I am barely too tall for petite and I am too short for most regular styles. Apparently even though I think I have really large hips, clothing manufactures do not. I tend to find pants in women’s wear that fit around the waist, but look like I have wings around the hip. My best spot to find pants that fit is actually the juniors section and finding something that doesn’t say 12 is sometimes an issue.
This time I did manage to find a pair of pants that sort of worked in women’s wear. The problem was the pants were made for someone about 2 inches taller. When I have enough fabric at the bottom to hem the pants up to fit, then I will often times to that. Hemming pants that are too long is sometimes easier than the epic quest to find the perfect pair of pants.
I did find two pairs of pants that needed to be taken up. I have already sewn the pants to fit me and I am very excited now. I am glad that one of the service skills I have is the ability to sew. It helps not only me with finding pants that fit, but also my Master.
I have been able to repair his clothing problems, his daughter’s clothing problems, and I even made his daughter Halloween costumes. It has been a very helpful skill and allows me to have a greater service to my Master. If my Master woke up tomorrow and decided to have me sew all of my own clothes. I could make that happen. I find sewing relaxing.
-emma
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Cinnamon Rolls
I made cinnamon rolls for breakfast this morning. Primarily because, it would please my Master and the other reason being it just sounds really good to me. I made the cinnamon rolls completely from scratch, which is part of the reason why it pleased my Master. He likes things that are homemade and not from a box.
My Master ate 3 cinnamon rolls with his breakfast so I think it is safe to say he liked them. I am always happy and honored to be able to serve my Master.
The dough I use to make the rolls is dough that can be made in advance and I use the same dough for dinner rolls. The recipe is listed below.
-emma
Dough
1 ½ cups of warm water
2 TSP dry yeast
2 cups prepared instant potatoes (you can use real potatoes but it is smoother with instant)
2/3 cups butter flavored shortening
2/3 cup white sugar
2 eggs
½ tsp salt
6 to 7 cups of flour
Cinnamon filling
¾ cup brown sugar
1 ½ TBLS cinnamon
½ TSP nutmeg
Frosting
4 TBLS butter
1 ½ cups powdered sugar
1 TSP vanilla
2 TBLS milk
Preparing the dough
1. Dissolve dry yeast in warm water. This will take about 10 minutes.
2. While the yeast is dissolving prepare instant potatoes
3. Once yeast is dissolved slowly mix in two beaten eggs, sugar, shortening, salt, mashed potatoes, and 3 cups of flour.
4. Slowing all remaining flour and knead for about 5 minutes.
5. Divide dough into four portions. If using immediately allow the dough to rise at room temperature for 1 hour. If not being used immediately, place remaining dough in a gallon size zip top bag and place in the refrigerator. The dough will stay good in the refrigerator for about a week.
Making the cinnamon rolls
1. Use ¼ of the dough previously made. Roll dough out onto a floured surface until it is about 1 to 2 centimeters thick.
2. Mix together brown sugar, cinnamon, and nutmeg until smooth.
3. Pour over rolled out dough and spread around until evenly covering the dough.
4. Lightly press the brown sugar mixture into the dough
5. Genitally roll the dough the long way, so you have a long and skinny roll.
6. Wet the ends of the roll to stick together.
7. With a floured knife cut the dough into 12 pieces.
8. Place in a greased casserole pan.
9. Let rise for 1 hour and preheat oven to 375
10. Bake for 20 minutes
11. Allow to cool for 15 minutes before serving and frosting
Frosting
1. Mix together powdered sugar and melted butter until smooth.
2. Add vanilla and milk, mix until smooth.
3. Lightly drizzle over warm rolls.
Friday, July 15, 2011
YAY!
I found a job today that is to scale with my old job and I start on Monday. I am super excited about going back to work and my Master is very pleased.
Master took me out to dinner tonight for surf and turf to celebrate. It was amazing. He is also allowing me to go shopping tomorrow for new clothes for my new job. This job is more business casual whereas the job I had before was more jeans and a t-shirt.
I am a little nervous about going back to work because it will be a change of routine. (My Master laughed when I told him this because I had only been off two weeks.) I know I will be fine and I am looking forward to this new adventure.
The job is doing basic accounting, which is more in line with my education. I think this will be a good opportunity to use my mind.
-emma
Master took me out to dinner tonight for surf and turf to celebrate. It was amazing. He is also allowing me to go shopping tomorrow for new clothes for my new job. This job is more business casual whereas the job I had before was more jeans and a t-shirt.
I am a little nervous about going back to work because it will be a change of routine. (My Master laughed when I told him this because I had only been off two weeks.) I know I will be fine and I am looking forward to this new adventure.
The job is doing basic accounting, which is more in line with my education. I think this will be a good opportunity to use my mind.
-emma
Thursday, July 14, 2011
07/14/2011
My job search is looking up. I have had three job interviews this week. I am excited about the prospect of finding a new and better job soon. I have conclusively determined that while some may really enjoy being a house slave. This is to slow of pace for me.
I did decide to make homemade bread today. It was not nearly as time consuming as I remember it being when I was working. I suppose that is one positive side effect of not working. I am able to focus more on the domestic things and they do not seem like such a big event.
In a two hour time period, I made bread, cooked a package of bacon (we cook it in advance to save time), cleaned the kitchen, scrubbed all the tile floors in the house, did a load of laundry, made the bed, took out the trash, and checked my Facebook account 3 times.
Needless to say, I am now doing the chores that I would do in the evening during the day and spending a lot more time online. I find myself watching mindless TV all evening and playing on my smart phone. I feel like I am in a lull. I am sure being a house slave would be more functional if we had children. Since we do not have children I do not see this as functional.
I think I am going to start working on my Spanish speaking skills for an hour a day that way I keep my mind active. I can see this going in a negative direction if I do not keep my mind active.
-emma
I did decide to make homemade bread today. It was not nearly as time consuming as I remember it being when I was working. I suppose that is one positive side effect of not working. I am able to focus more on the domestic things and they do not seem like such a big event.
In a two hour time period, I made bread, cooked a package of bacon (we cook it in advance to save time), cleaned the kitchen, scrubbed all the tile floors in the house, did a load of laundry, made the bed, took out the trash, and checked my Facebook account 3 times.
Needless to say, I am now doing the chores that I would do in the evening during the day and spending a lot more time online. I find myself watching mindless TV all evening and playing on my smart phone. I feel like I am in a lull. I am sure being a house slave would be more functional if we had children. Since we do not have children I do not see this as functional.
I think I am going to start working on my Spanish speaking skills for an hour a day that way I keep my mind active. I can see this going in a negative direction if I do not keep my mind active.
-emma
Monday, July 11, 2011
Privacy
One of the many things I am not allotted in my life is privacy. My Master has full access to me, including my body and of course my mind. It takes time to be able to truly let go of the feeling of needing privacy. It makes me feel vulnerable and very much at my Master’s mercy.
My Master has done things since the start of our relationship to reinforce my lack of privacy. In the beginning and now, I am required to keep my body hair including my pubic area shaved. My Master says I do not deserve the privacy that would give me.
In the beginning of our relationship, my Master would have me randomly strip in front of him. It was embarrassing and I think he intended it to be that way. It defiantly put me in my place and reminded me of his power over me. Now, I am not allowed to wear clothes when we are at home. It is an odd feeling at times, when I am completely nude and my Master is dressed or when I am naked and collared at the dinner table. I can feel that vulnerability.
One of the things my Master started early on was not allowing me to close the bathroom door while using the restroom. At first my Master didn’t enter the room. Now on occasion he will watch me and make comments on my bodily functions. It reminds me that I am nothing more than his property.
My Master also takes nude pictures and video of me. Sometimes, I enjoy these pictures being taken and sometimes I do not. It is always humiliating to me when we are hiking somewhere and my Master tells me to take off my clothes so he can take pictures of me. I think I have more pictures of myself naked than with clothes on. My Master does have me post nude pictures of myself, some of them I like and think I look pretty while others I do not.
I think to some degree I like posting pictures which my Master likes and I do not more than posting pictures I like. It reminds of me of my place and my status as a slave. I do not get to pick what is done to me. My Master makes those choices.
I think if I had privacy, I would not be as good of slave to my Master. Because I would be hiding myself behind doors, clothes, and anything else I could possibly find. I truly believe that taking away my privacy is one of the best things my Master could have done for me.
-emma
My Master has done things since the start of our relationship to reinforce my lack of privacy. In the beginning and now, I am required to keep my body hair including my pubic area shaved. My Master says I do not deserve the privacy that would give me.
In the beginning of our relationship, my Master would have me randomly strip in front of him. It was embarrassing and I think he intended it to be that way. It defiantly put me in my place and reminded me of his power over me. Now, I am not allowed to wear clothes when we are at home. It is an odd feeling at times, when I am completely nude and my Master is dressed or when I am naked and collared at the dinner table. I can feel that vulnerability.
One of the things my Master started early on was not allowing me to close the bathroom door while using the restroom. At first my Master didn’t enter the room. Now on occasion he will watch me and make comments on my bodily functions. It reminds me that I am nothing more than his property.
My Master also takes nude pictures and video of me. Sometimes, I enjoy these pictures being taken and sometimes I do not. It is always humiliating to me when we are hiking somewhere and my Master tells me to take off my clothes so he can take pictures of me. I think I have more pictures of myself naked than with clothes on. My Master does have me post nude pictures of myself, some of them I like and think I look pretty while others I do not.
I think to some degree I like posting pictures which my Master likes and I do not more than posting pictures I like. It reminds of me of my place and my status as a slave. I do not get to pick what is done to me. My Master makes those choices.
I think if I had privacy, I would not be as good of slave to my Master. Because I would be hiding myself behind doors, clothes, and anything else I could possibly find. I truly believe that taking away my privacy is one of the best things my Master could have done for me.
-emma
Sunday, July 10, 2011
One Week of Unemployment :(
So I am going on one week of being unemployed and I am going stir crazy. My Master is ordering me to clean out a lot of storage stuff that we haven’t used in a long time. I have five bags of trash sitting in the living room right now waiting to go out to the curb tomorrow evening. So I have been keeping busy but I still feel like I am doing nothing.
I think my feeling of doing nothing comes from not providing monetary support to my Master’s household. I do not feel like I am pulling my own weight. I know that what I am doing has value to my Master and that he wanted me to quit my job. But I still feel like I am doing nothing.
I have faith that I will find a new job soon and hopefully my Master will tell me what he wants me to go back to school for. I think the structure that a job gives me and additional schooling will go a long way to help me sense of service and meaning to my Master.
-emma
I think my feeling of doing nothing comes from not providing monetary support to my Master’s household. I do not feel like I am pulling my own weight. I know that what I am doing has value to my Master and that he wanted me to quit my job. But I still feel like I am doing nothing.
I have faith that I will find a new job soon and hopefully my Master will tell me what he wants me to go back to school for. I think the structure that a job gives me and additional schooling will go a long way to help me sense of service and meaning to my Master.
-emma
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Lots-O-Sleep and Pie
Yesterday, I went to bed early around 9 PM. I woke up a little after midnight and I was up for about 30 minutes while I drank some water. Then I went back to bed and I woke up to fix my Master breakfast and fix his lunch. After he went to work, I went to bed. I woke up at about 11:30. I think in all I slept for about 12 hours.
Master says he knew I was exhausted and knew this massive amount of sleep was going to happen. To some degree, I feel guilty about sleeping so much rather than being productive and serving my Master. The last thing I want to be is displeasing to him.
I do think this time off work, all be it a few days, has been good for me. I was able to refocus on my relationship with my Master. I have really been able to focus more on him in the evenings when he is home, instead of opening my laptop from work to attempt to get caught up. I think it is safe to say my work/life balance was off kilter.
I am actively looking for another job. I am hopeful that I will find one which suites our lifestyle and allows me to have the time with Master that we need. I need to be able to serve my Master.
I am feeling a lot better. I even experimented in the kitchen this evening. I made a shepherds’ pie with shredded chicken instead of ground turkey. It turned out really good. I had some rather tough chicken breasts I wanted to use up and this did the trick. I boiled the chicken breasts in chicken broth and then I let it cool before shredding it. I then mixed it with a can of tomato sauce and a pound of mixed vegetables. I then topped it with mashed potatoes and baked it for 40 minutes. The result was yummy. It turned out better than expected.
I suppose being unemployed for a short time has its benefits.
-emma
Master says he knew I was exhausted and knew this massive amount of sleep was going to happen. To some degree, I feel guilty about sleeping so much rather than being productive and serving my Master. The last thing I want to be is displeasing to him.
I do think this time off work, all be it a few days, has been good for me. I was able to refocus on my relationship with my Master. I have really been able to focus more on him in the evenings when he is home, instead of opening my laptop from work to attempt to get caught up. I think it is safe to say my work/life balance was off kilter.
I am actively looking for another job. I am hopeful that I will find one which suites our lifestyle and allows me to have the time with Master that we need. I need to be able to serve my Master.
I am feeling a lot better. I even experimented in the kitchen this evening. I made a shepherds’ pie with shredded chicken instead of ground turkey. It turned out really good. I had some rather tough chicken breasts I wanted to use up and this did the trick. I boiled the chicken breasts in chicken broth and then I let it cool before shredding it. I then mixed it with a can of tomato sauce and a pound of mixed vegetables. I then topped it with mashed potatoes and baked it for 40 minutes. The result was yummy. It turned out better than expected.
I suppose being unemployed for a short time has its benefits.
-emma
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Jobless
So unemployment is rather boring. I’ve been doing the wife thing. You know the cooking and cleaning. I’ve cleaned some stuff over this weekend that I haven’t touched in awhile and that felt pretty good.
The thing that makes me ponder though is if I was still employed I would have had the last 3 days off and I probably wouldn’t have done much and I would have been stressed. It is easy for me to see now how stressed my job was making me and why my Master wanted me to quit my job. It was becoming more than my job, it was starting to take over my life.
I have my life back now and I am grateful for that. My Master wants me to spend the week picking up around the house and getting things done that we tend to put off because we were always working. We actually have an unexpected repair of the oven to contend with so that will be on my priority list this week.
It feels weird, not having a job to go to and trying to figure out what to do with my time. My Master is giving me guidance in this area which I appreciate. At this point my work future is up in the air. I hope I find a new job soon and I hope I do not have to settle on a crumby job.
-emma
The thing that makes me ponder though is if I was still employed I would have had the last 3 days off and I probably wouldn’t have done much and I would have been stressed. It is easy for me to see now how stressed my job was making me and why my Master wanted me to quit my job. It was becoming more than my job, it was starting to take over my life.
I have my life back now and I am grateful for that. My Master wants me to spend the week picking up around the house and getting things done that we tend to put off because we were always working. We actually have an unexpected repair of the oven to contend with so that will be on my priority list this week.
It feels weird, not having a job to go to and trying to figure out what to do with my time. My Master is giving me guidance in this area which I appreciate. At this point my work future is up in the air. I hope I find a new job soon and I hope I do not have to settle on a crumby job.
-emma
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