I have a love/ hate relationship with my job and employment in general. My job is an exercise in dealing with people who are all trying to push and claw their way to the top. It is sort of ruthless and now, like many companies, my company is downsizing. To make matters more amusing, I helped with the workflow consolidation to make the layoffs happen.
There are days when I think my boss is a jerk and days when I wish HR would actually do something about the person at my office who rants over anything and everything. She has called everyone she works with a ‘stupid retard’ in one of her rants at least once. No matter how many times it is reported to our supervisor, nothing changes. I have become the latest victim of her ranting and I am not too pleased. The end result for me is I am no longer offering my assistance on any process to her. I really hope she enjoyed her extra long day today. I know I sure enjoyed getting off on time.
I did mention to my supervisor the ranting nonsense so we will see what comes of it. My Master thinks I should address the issue with HR since management isn’t handling it. Her ranting did cause a temp to quit and many other people to ask to be transferred out of her area (including me), so it is having a negative impact on the company.
Whenever I run into a situation like this my instinct isn’t to throw a fit with HR and my boss’s boss. I am a quitter and I apt to walk away from this job to somewhere that I feel valued. My Master wants me to ride out this storm and deal with it. He wants me to ride it out for my own personal growth.
He also noted that everyone hates their job. Work is a challenge and it is not meant to be fun. Every day I feel like I am walking into a mine that could collapse on me at anytime. It is times like this when I wish for a simpler life, like that of a housewife, but that is not in cards for me.
So tomorrow morning, bright and early, I will awake to face another day at the salt mines. Maybe if the whole thing collapses I can collect unemployment for a couple of months.
-emma
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
So Excited!
My vegetable garden is doing wonderful! I took some pictures today of the plants that have vegetables or fruit growing on them. I am so excited to see sweet peas, raspberries, and tomatoes growing. Soon I will have a harvest to show my Master.
The meshing you see around some of the pictures is to keep the birds out. I wasn’t sure how to accomplish this but my Master gave me the guidance to use the meshing. We purchased the meshing at Lowes, but what was odd is they didn’t have anything to tie it off. So we picked up some picture frame wire from our local department store.
-emma
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Couponing... In Moderation
I have been coming out of my funk and I am starting to pick on things I used to do. One of those things is using coupons. I used them a lot during college and some after we got married. I used coupons when my Master and I got our family pictures redone to save us over 50% a few months ago. Couponing does allow me to fill my shopping desire and my desire to be cheap.
Coupons do have their benefits, but I do not picture myself being like one of the people on Extreme Couponing. Although, I appreciate their thriftiness I cannot help but feel a sense of greed from some of these people. I do not think they are greedy for couponing, but the method in which they coupon. When a customer clears the shelf of a product, other people may not be able to get the supplies they need.
When I use coupons, I buy no more than what I need. Case in point, earlier this week I had a coupon for the type of cat food my cats eat. I could have rounded up multiple copies of the coupon from my friends who also get the Sunday paper, but I didn’t. I used my one coupon which saved me $2.00 and will give me enough cat food for the next couple months. I did not let greed creep into my heart and I allowed for others to be able to get what they need for their kitties.
I think that doing things in moderation is important and I hope I live up to that. I hope I do not hoard food and medicine. I do not want to be the person who stops someone from getting the food or medicine they need.
-emma
Coupons do have their benefits, but I do not picture myself being like one of the people on Extreme Couponing. Although, I appreciate their thriftiness I cannot help but feel a sense of greed from some of these people. I do not think they are greedy for couponing, but the method in which they coupon. When a customer clears the shelf of a product, other people may not be able to get the supplies they need.
When I use coupons, I buy no more than what I need. Case in point, earlier this week I had a coupon for the type of cat food my cats eat. I could have rounded up multiple copies of the coupon from my friends who also get the Sunday paper, but I didn’t. I used my one coupon which saved me $2.00 and will give me enough cat food for the next couple months. I did not let greed creep into my heart and I allowed for others to be able to get what they need for their kitties.
I think that doing things in moderation is important and I hope I live up to that. I hope I do not hoard food and medicine. I do not want to be the person who stops someone from getting the food or medicine they need.
-emma
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Tornado Preparedness
My Master sometimes teases me about my emergency preparedness. I am from Kansas, where tornadoes are common. So my family always had a box of supplies ready to take into the shelter at anytime incase the sirens sounded.
When I first met my Master and he found my “tornado box” he thought I lost my marbles. He had just relocated to Kansas and quickly learnt why we have such things. Today, we live in Oklahoma but the storms still come by from time to time.
Tonight was one of those nights, when we had to be prepared for what might come. So we retreated to our shelter with our kitties and our box of supplies in hand. The sirens sounded for high winds, but no tornadoes were reports in our neighborhood.
Our Supply Box Contains:
Enough Canned food for at least 4 days
Enough water for at least 4 days (1 gallon of water per day per person and throw in an extra half gallon per day for the kitties)
Enough cat food for at least 4 days
A first aid kit
Flashlight
Axe and hammer
Whistle
1 change of clothes
A written emergency contact list
A radio that runs on batteries
Blankets and pillows
Soap and shampoo
Toothpaste and toothbrush
Maxi Pads
All prescription medication
The reason why I keep a four day supply of food is because in a bad situation that could be home long it takes for relief workers to setup make shift shelters. I sincerely hope I never have a need for my tornado box but it is nice to be prepared.
The whistle, axe, and hammer is for if we become trapped. Emergency workers may have an easier time hearing whistle coming from a pile of rubble. If our door is blocked to get out of the shelter, the axe and hammer may allow us to remove enough debris to escape.
The radio is important not only for during the storm but after the storm as well. It will allow us to find out where the local shelters are being setup at.
-emma
When I first met my Master and he found my “tornado box” he thought I lost my marbles. He had just relocated to Kansas and quickly learnt why we have such things. Today, we live in Oklahoma but the storms still come by from time to time.
Tonight was one of those nights, when we had to be prepared for what might come. So we retreated to our shelter with our kitties and our box of supplies in hand. The sirens sounded for high winds, but no tornadoes were reports in our neighborhood.
Our Supply Box Contains:
Enough Canned food for at least 4 days
Enough water for at least 4 days (1 gallon of water per day per person and throw in an extra half gallon per day for the kitties)
Enough cat food for at least 4 days
A first aid kit
Flashlight
Axe and hammer
Whistle
1 change of clothes
A written emergency contact list
A radio that runs on batteries
Blankets and pillows
Soap and shampoo
Toothpaste and toothbrush
Maxi Pads
All prescription medication
The reason why I keep a four day supply of food is because in a bad situation that could be home long it takes for relief workers to setup make shift shelters. I sincerely hope I never have a need for my tornado box but it is nice to be prepared.
The whistle, axe, and hammer is for if we become trapped. Emergency workers may have an easier time hearing whistle coming from a pile of rubble. If our door is blocked to get out of the shelter, the axe and hammer may allow us to remove enough debris to escape.
The radio is important not only for during the storm but after the storm as well. It will allow us to find out where the local shelters are being setup at.
-emma
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Shampoo
This weekend I spent a fair amount of time shampooing the carpet. I got off to a rocky start, because the carpet shampooer was spitting out water but not sucking up water. I figured there would have to be a lint clog somewhere. The question was where.
I took the entire carpet shampooer apart to find this lint clog and I couldn’t find it. So I resorted to my old friend Google to find the answer. On the shampooer there is a dial that switches it from the tools to the floor until. The online forum suggested switching back and forth from tool to floor while running hot water through the unit.
I sat down and thought about this proposal for a moment. Then I came the conclusion that rather than running the shampooer and switching it back from the floor to tool selection I could take that one piece and spray it out with my hose on the kitchen sink.
Spraying it out with hose on the kitchen sink resolved the issue in about 30 seconds. After that it was mildly smooth sailing on getting the carpet shampooed, except the freak rain storm and the mildly humid weather.
-emma
I took the entire carpet shampooer apart to find this lint clog and I couldn’t find it. So I resorted to my old friend Google to find the answer. On the shampooer there is a dial that switches it from the tools to the floor until. The online forum suggested switching back and forth from tool to floor while running hot water through the unit.
I sat down and thought about this proposal for a moment. Then I came the conclusion that rather than running the shampooer and switching it back from the floor to tool selection I could take that one piece and spray it out with my hose on the kitchen sink.
Spraying it out with hose on the kitchen sink resolved the issue in about 30 seconds. After that it was mildly smooth sailing on getting the carpet shampooed, except the freak rain storm and the mildly humid weather.
-emma
Saturday, May 21, 2011
In the pursuit of "I can"
One thing my Master has never accepted for an excuse was the blanket I can’t response. When I met my former Master, I couldn’t cook to save my life. I would try and fail. My former Master, in a not so patient manner, helped me to progress in my cooking skills. After I left my former Master, my cooking skills were basic but I was able to make a decent and edible meal to his tastes.
Master Howard has a passion for cooking, so one area that we are constantly growing in is the area of cooking. I have had to adapt and create new recipes all throughout our relationship. Now, I am a pretty good cook. If I cannot cook something to perfection, then we will try and try again until I get it. Sometimes, it is just a matter of trial and error with different recipes.
Case in point, I have been working on perfecting my banana bread recipe for years. The first attempt was interesting and while I was in college. I used yellow bananas so it was rather springy. After that I learnt to use bananas that were black. I thought my banana bread recipe was okay, but it didn’t have the perfection my Master strived for.
Randomly last year, I made banana bread with a new recipe that called for plain yogurt. I thought it was weird but it struck my curiosity. This banana bread had the perfection my Master was looking for. It took me years to find the right recipe and hone my skills on selecting the correct ingredients before I was able to make the perfect banana bread. This illustrates to me that there should never be an “I can’t” from a slave, because as long as I set my mind to it I can achieve my goal even if it takes years.
Perfection is not found over night. It takes a lifetime to achieve.
-emma
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
The Truth About Sharing
As a slave, I live a life where I have chosen for better or for worse to hand over control of my life to another. This includes what is done to my body. Some of the choices that have been made for me have caused me to have reservations and unwelcome feelings to this day.
Master Howard has not shared me, but my former Master did. I did not use as much forethought when I found my first Master. Back then, I was looking for a way out of the small town I lived in and this lifestyle sounded new and exciting. From short conversations with Dominants online, I thought they were relatively the same. This was a gross misconception I had, but I was young, underage, and naive.
The first time I had sex with another man I felt like I was getting raped, though I did not put up a struggle. I knew that struggling and being resistant would cause negative consequences for me. Someone asked me once why I never cried out while this was going on. I told them, "It hurts less when you don't put up a fight." Once when I did balk at the idea of sexually entertaining other men my former Master asked what I am here for. I remember being hit and crying in a corner before I dried my tears and submitted as he wished.
It changed my perception on how I viewed people. Most of the men really didn’t care what I was thinking when I was being shared. Most of the time, I would turn my head away from them and let my mind wander to another place in time. I would always picture a grassy field with the wind lightly blowing the grass. It just seemed so peaceful to me.
My experience of being shared with a woman for the first time was difficult for me. Women talk more than men during sex and it felt awkward. With a woman, I couldn’t just check out mentally and I think my discomfort with the situation made it more enjoyable for the other party.
Aside from mental issues with being shared, it caused health problems. My former Master wasn’t big on screening partners, so it seemed like every month I had a yeast infection or some other type of infection. I would get punished anytime I got an infection. When I was punished, I was beat and I had various injuries from that.
After I gathered the courage to leave my former Master, I went back home and tried to go back to a normal life. I found that I had a fear of being around people in general. Being alone in a car with someone I wasn’t close friends with caused me a lot of anxiety. I ended up living alone in a two bedroom apartment.
I remember the first time; two of my classmates from college came over. I didn’t know how to entertain or what to say. I was terrified that they would want to have sex with me. I found that closing my bedroom doors and the bathroom door helped to lessen my stress. Although I probably sweated buckets on the first time they came over. It helped me move past my fear of always being used as a sexual object.
After I met Master Howard, the first time he told me he wanted to invite a bunch of his male friends over and have a dinner party. I was terrified. We had talked in the past about how he didn’t have a desire to share me, but it is always in the back of my mind what if he changes his mind. My Master didn’t change his mind on not sharing me when he has his friends over. I cooked dinner and excused myself to another room. My Master knew I had some baggage with having people over so he allowed me to have some space.
I have gotten better over the years, but there are still some things that make me think about those times when I was shared. I do not know if I will ever be able to truly put those experiences behind me. However without those experiences, I do not think I would be the person I am today. I learnt something about myself and about what “I” want out of my life from those experiences.
I learnt that I do not want to be shared in the area of having sex with someone else. I have found that being with a woman close to my age is okay with me. I have the ability in this relationship to decline being sexual with another woman, if I get uncomfortable for any reason. My Master has never made me feel pressured to do anything with another woman. Sometimes, I do call a break, because I get the feeling like I did when I was openly shared.
I still do not let friends come over one on one. That makes me uncomfortable. I have never been to a friend’s house when they were the only one home since leaving my former Master. I just cannot do it. I offer an alternative, like inviting someone else to come over or going to somewhere instead. I am terrified that I will be put in a situation where the person will make sexual advances at me and I will not know how to handle it.
-emma
Master Howard has not shared me, but my former Master did. I did not use as much forethought when I found my first Master. Back then, I was looking for a way out of the small town I lived in and this lifestyle sounded new and exciting. From short conversations with Dominants online, I thought they were relatively the same. This was a gross misconception I had, but I was young, underage, and naive.
The first time I had sex with another man I felt like I was getting raped, though I did not put up a struggle. I knew that struggling and being resistant would cause negative consequences for me. Someone asked me once why I never cried out while this was going on. I told them, "It hurts less when you don't put up a fight." Once when I did balk at the idea of sexually entertaining other men my former Master asked what I am here for. I remember being hit and crying in a corner before I dried my tears and submitted as he wished.
It changed my perception on how I viewed people. Most of the men really didn’t care what I was thinking when I was being shared. Most of the time, I would turn my head away from them and let my mind wander to another place in time. I would always picture a grassy field with the wind lightly blowing the grass. It just seemed so peaceful to me.
My experience of being shared with a woman for the first time was difficult for me. Women talk more than men during sex and it felt awkward. With a woman, I couldn’t just check out mentally and I think my discomfort with the situation made it more enjoyable for the other party.
Aside from mental issues with being shared, it caused health problems. My former Master wasn’t big on screening partners, so it seemed like every month I had a yeast infection or some other type of infection. I would get punished anytime I got an infection. When I was punished, I was beat and I had various injuries from that.
After I gathered the courage to leave my former Master, I went back home and tried to go back to a normal life. I found that I had a fear of being around people in general. Being alone in a car with someone I wasn’t close friends with caused me a lot of anxiety. I ended up living alone in a two bedroom apartment.
I remember the first time; two of my classmates from college came over. I didn’t know how to entertain or what to say. I was terrified that they would want to have sex with me. I found that closing my bedroom doors and the bathroom door helped to lessen my stress. Although I probably sweated buckets on the first time they came over. It helped me move past my fear of always being used as a sexual object.
After I met Master Howard, the first time he told me he wanted to invite a bunch of his male friends over and have a dinner party. I was terrified. We had talked in the past about how he didn’t have a desire to share me, but it is always in the back of my mind what if he changes his mind. My Master didn’t change his mind on not sharing me when he has his friends over. I cooked dinner and excused myself to another room. My Master knew I had some baggage with having people over so he allowed me to have some space.
I have gotten better over the years, but there are still some things that make me think about those times when I was shared. I do not know if I will ever be able to truly put those experiences behind me. However without those experiences, I do not think I would be the person I am today. I learnt something about myself and about what “I” want out of my life from those experiences.
I learnt that I do not want to be shared in the area of having sex with someone else. I have found that being with a woman close to my age is okay with me. I have the ability in this relationship to decline being sexual with another woman, if I get uncomfortable for any reason. My Master has never made me feel pressured to do anything with another woman. Sometimes, I do call a break, because I get the feeling like I did when I was openly shared.
I still do not let friends come over one on one. That makes me uncomfortable. I have never been to a friend’s house when they were the only one home since leaving my former Master. I just cannot do it. I offer an alternative, like inviting someone else to come over or going to somewhere instead. I am terrified that I will be put in a situation where the person will make sexual advances at me and I will not know how to handle it.
-emma
Monday, May 16, 2011
Tummy Rumbles
I envy those who are strong, who never seem to falter in the face of remarkable struggles or illness. I am not one of those people. When I become ill I tend to sleep a lot and my recovery typically takes a day or two longer than the norm. This is annoying to me because I strive to measure up to everyone else and when I am bed bound for longer than the norm I have feelings of inadequacy.
About a week and a half ago I had a stomach virus that in 12 hours time resulted in me being so dehydrated. I had to get two bags of fluids and I needed two shots to stop the vomiting. I couldn’t move without hyperventilating. Luckily, my Master was there to take care of me and he cleaned out my vomit bucket numerous times. I probably would have been stranded on the floor of the bathroom if it wasn’t for him.
I am doing better now, but I have a hiatal hernia that was aggravated by this experience. I can now feel the hernia which I am guessing is a bad thing. I have this constant burning sensation in my throat and my stomach feels tight all the time. I have some anti-acid medicine that I am taking but it doesn’t seem to be helping.
I think I am going to give it another week before I call the GI doctor. I will probably need another upper scope if the symptoms do not subside and possibly surgery to correct the hernia. The last thing I want to have right now is another surgery.
The medical bills side of it doesn’t bother me as much as the endless amount of paperwork to make this happen. I will need to get my FMLA paperwork and possibly my short-term disability paperwork submitted to my employer. Going down to 60% pay when it is nearly summer does not sound like a good time to me.
I am sure my Master and I will make it though this, regardless of what the outcome is. I know he will be there to support me every step of the way and if I do have surgery. I know he will be there to care for and to make sure my mom doesn’t reorganize our house while I am recovering.
-emma
About a week and a half ago I had a stomach virus that in 12 hours time resulted in me being so dehydrated. I had to get two bags of fluids and I needed two shots to stop the vomiting. I couldn’t move without hyperventilating. Luckily, my Master was there to take care of me and he cleaned out my vomit bucket numerous times. I probably would have been stranded on the floor of the bathroom if it wasn’t for him.
I am doing better now, but I have a hiatal hernia that was aggravated by this experience. I can now feel the hernia which I am guessing is a bad thing. I have this constant burning sensation in my throat and my stomach feels tight all the time. I have some anti-acid medicine that I am taking but it doesn’t seem to be helping.
I think I am going to give it another week before I call the GI doctor. I will probably need another upper scope if the symptoms do not subside and possibly surgery to correct the hernia. The last thing I want to have right now is another surgery.
The medical bills side of it doesn’t bother me as much as the endless amount of paperwork to make this happen. I will need to get my FMLA paperwork and possibly my short-term disability paperwork submitted to my employer. Going down to 60% pay when it is nearly summer does not sound like a good time to me.
I am sure my Master and I will make it though this, regardless of what the outcome is. I know he will be there to support me every step of the way and if I do have surgery. I know he will be there to care for and to make sure my mom doesn’t reorganize our house while I am recovering.
-emma
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
May Update
So everything is going fairly well in my life. My Master and I went on a camping trip over the weekend. It was a lot of fun and I even caught a fish! It was nice to get away from everything and everybody for a weekend. I really needed that break from dealing with the stressors of the world.
My garden is doing well and I am starting to have blooms on a number of my plants. In a couple of more months, we should have some home grown produce which is extremely exciting to me. I also have been working on the weed battle with my front yard and I am happy to say I am winning that battle.
My Master and I have also been going through boxes and sorting stuff to get ready to move. My Master wants to move out of the city and into a more rural area. I am perfectly fine with this because I am from a rural area, so that sort of life is more comforting to me. The city life is a little too fast paced for my liking.
My job is my job. I oftentimes ponder the wisdom of my decision of not wanting to be a house slave. My employer is annoying and they have had a major problem lately over flipping out over nothing. I have a theory that if something in no way affects the customer; it is nothing to flip out about. It is an internal problem that can be dealt with in a cool collected manner. I hope that someday, if I ever am a supervisor, I can use this experience to help me understand the value of remaining calm and working through things with a reasonable level of urgency.
I actually transferred teams at work, because of my co-workers would flip out and start angry ranting over anything. If the call center misspelled a word or if a customer did something silly, a rant would ensue. Her face would turn beat red and she would start pounding her fists on her desk. She really reminded me of my ex minus the actually physical violence. It is nice to be out of that situation.
-emma
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