Empty

This is the first holiday season without my step-daughter or any other children for that matter. The emptiness inside this house is numbing. Her room which was once full of life now contains only boxes of what once was. Only the cats go in there these days.

Around this time each year the house would have the aroma of freshly baked cookies and the table would be covered with them. There would be gobs of frosting sporadically on the table and a child in the midst of a sugar high at the end. Now we have a stack of yesterday’s mail and uneaten fruit on the table.

I have been ordered to cook a full Thanksgiving dinner, even though it is just my Master and I. So now a 12 pound turkey is sitting in the frig ready to go in the oven. All the side dishes are aligned and ready to go. Staring at it makes me think about how I have no one to share it with. It just feels so empty.

I also didn’t feel like putting up the Christmas tree this year. It just reminds me of everything that once was but once again I was ordered to put it up. The reason behind the order was so the cats would have something to climb up. Our cats have a track record of knocking down the Christmas tree at least once every year. So rather than putting a tree up for our non-existent family we are putting a tree up for the cats.

It just feels so empty here. I want to move away from this area and start over. But I feel like that would also be like running away from my problems which is something I have done my whole life. I suppose on the Brightside I don’t have to figure out if I should move or not. That is not my place.

-emma

Anticipatory Service

Anticipatory service can take many forms and can be used either to a small degree or a large degree in a Master/slave relationship. This is when the slave carrying out actions or behaviors that the Master desires. What the slave *wants* to do is not relevant.

Low level anticipatory service is simple things the slave may do for her Master like how she maintains her body. She may have a workout routine she does daily to maintain her body. She may keep herself shaved. She could also view her employment has service to her Master.

High level anticipatory services are the slave having enough knowledge and understand of her Master to be able to know what he wants before he asks. This could be the slave judging by her Master’s actions and behaviors what he would like for dinner, to drink, and how she can please him.

The benefits of anticipatory service are the slave will have expectation of what she is supposed to do each day. The slave may feel a greater sense of purpose. The Master will not have to bother will small reminders and can focus his energies on the larger, more pressing issues.

The con of anticipatory service is the slave could misjudge what the Master is wanting or needing. This may require redirection from the Master. Anticipatory service is not suitable for Master/slave relationships where the Master likes to do micromanagement.

In my relationship with my Master, we practice anticipatory service. My Master absolutely hates micromanagement. So for a large degree I have to be able to look at him and make a judgment call on what he wants for dinner, to drink, and etc. I have had errors but he will simply state what he wants instead.

One area where anticipatory service does not go for us is the bed room. I do not proposition my Master for any sort of sexual act. I wait for him to start sex and/or play time. We feel it is not the slave’s slave to proposition sex from her Master.

-emma

Crab Salad

My Master and I love to cook. We are currently working on perfecting a fat free crab salad recipe. Our attempt today was pretty tasty.

We used:
1.5 lbs of flaked crab
1 small red onion
½ cup celery
¾ cup Miracle Whip Free
¼ tsp celery salt
1 tsp paprika
1 tsp Old Bay Seasoning

We are thinking about adding either a dash of balsamic vinegar or dill pickle to the mix. We haven’t decided what route to go with that as of yet, but I am sure by next week when we make our next attempt we will have a game plan. Our goal is to have the salad recipe perfected by the family reunion next year. We want to have simple salad choices that are healthy for lunch.

-emma

My Name

Sometimes people ask me questions that make me scratch my head like where did I think up the name Emma. I actually didn’t think up the name Emma, it is my real name given to me by my parents when I was born. I was named after my grandmother Emma, so I do have a family name and because of that my name is something I cherish. Because my name carries family significance, I have trouble relating to people who hate their name.

I do have a slave name, which is M. It was actually given to me by my former master. It means masochist. My Master decided to keep it because M flowed well with my birth name Emma. My Master and a few close friends are the only people that call me M.

My nieces and nephews call my Auntie Em, because my siblings think it is funny. I am from southwest Kansas and in the book for the Wizard of Oz Dorothy lived in the very southwest corner of Kansas with her Uncle Henry and Auntie Em. I think my siblings are sadly disappointed that I married someone named Howard rather than Henry.

Anyways, I don’t use a made up name when I am online because if I did that than in my mind I would be simply hiding behind a keyboard and I would not be being true to myself. I am real person and I want people to know the real me. The real me is named Emma and has always been Emma since my first day on this Earth.

-emma

Bummed

Having a child has been semi-officially eliminated as an option. Our appointment at the Fertility Clinic today went poorly. It turns out I am not the only one with fertility problems. My Master’s sperm count is low and combined with my polycystic ovarian syndrome. That leaves us with IVF.

My Master and I have some ethical concerns about using IVF. To some degree I feel it is like playing God and it is not a road I really want to travel down. Sometimes I think God does not give us everything we want and God has his reasons. Whether it is a test in patience or simply not our purpose I do not know. I suppose after I go to Heaven I may ask God.

I am saddened by this and I think that perhaps I just need to refocus my energies. Adopting a child is still an option, but we would have to complete some classes from DHS and save up a lot of money. I just don’t want to find myself out of house and home on a quest to have a child. I think there needs to be reasonable boundaries on what expense we are willing to take on to do this.

Perhaps that reasonable expense is enjoying the children my Master already has from previous relationships and spending time with our nieces and nephews. Maybe we should look at moving closer to family rather than having a baby.

-emma

Climaxing from Pain

I can be very masochistic, which is a behavior my Master and I enjoy but it is also one my Master has to carefully control. If left unchecked, my masochistic tendencies become increasing more severe to the point where I could actually harm myself or more often, my masochistic tendencies can take over my life.

Last night, my Master and I had a very nice play session. It was the first one where I actually reached a climax in about a year. My Master started with flogging my back and then he progressed into beating my back with a riding crop. This caused me to climax twice as he was hitting me with the riding crop. I have some nice bruises on my back today and it is a little sore, but even so I find myself craving more.

I can imagine in my mind all sorts of things I would like done to me, so I can climax again. A climax from pain stimulation is unbelievably good. It is better than any climax I can get from clitoral or vaginal stimulation. A climax from pain is so intense and sweet. In those moments I feel truly alive and as weird as it sounds I see a field of flowers when I climax from pain. I have no idea what that means but the field of flowers is always there.

In order for me to reach a climax from pain it requires a lot of pain play and if it is done with any frequency the level of pain I have to experience to reach a climax increases. For instance, when I left my ex I was to the point of having my breasts nailed to boards and a cattle prod used on me. My masochistic tendencies have lightened significantly since then which I have mixed feelings about if that is a good thing. My Master tells me if I would have continued to progress on the path I was on with my ex I would probably be dead by now. That statement is probably accurate.

One of the many reasons why I sought to be owned was to control my masochistic tendencies. I knew they could get out of hand and start to rule my life. I think that everything in moderation is good. Although I would love to be able to climax from pain more often than once per year I know my Master will make it happen, no more often than is reasonable or safe for me.

I suppose, as much as I don’t want to admit it, not giving me everything I want, when I want it, is part of being a responsible owner. My Master is a good man.

-emma

Photoshopping is not for me

I don’t like photoshopped pictures. I strongly feel that photoshopping makes a person ugly, speaks of their insecurities, and lakes realism. I don’t like the Barbie doll look that photoshopping does. I think misplaced hairs, blemishes, scars, bumps, and bruises are what make us human.

I don’t photoshop any of my images, if someone does not like my scars, my blemishes, and etc, then they are not really interested in knowing me. Each of my scars tell a story, why would I want to edit those out of my pictures? Why would I want to remove a blemish? I am human and I like people seeing the real me.

For the life of me, I cannot figure out why people who take fetish pictures use photoshop to remove bumps and bruises. When I first became interested in BDSM having marks was cool. Now it is something people edit out of the picture. I don’t understand that. If I get a cool bruise from a spanking, canning, or flogging I want to show that off.

Most of the ‘fetish’ pictures are not any more interesting than a picture you would see in Playboy. That is not very BDSM that is vanilla. So I don’t know, maybe the BDSM community is seeing an influx of vanilla people that like to take dirty pictures of themselves and since they like to take dirty pictures that must make them either a submissive or a slave.

Anyways, I will continue to share my pictures that are photoshopped free because I have a commitment to being real.

-emma