Thursday, August 2, 2012

3 Week Update

I have been on medication for about 3 weeks now and it got upped earlier this week in an attempt to get me ‘stabilized’.  This process has not been easy and therapy has been challenging at times. I don’t know how I am doing. I am still here so I suppose the masses would view that as a plus but I am not sure if I view it that way.

The theory on how this happened is my crappy year with the death of a family member and my layoff caused my body to dig up things I have long since buried and repressed. It turns out my normal childhood was far from normal and probably closer to the Little House of Horrors. Sadly, I confirmed these things with my siblings. They expressed to me that they had also repressed things until like me their neat little worlds came undone.
I think somewhere inside of me I was hoping that my past wasn’t real and I was just losing my mind or had a false memory. I feel like my childhood explains why I am the person I am today. Not the suicidal person I am now, but the servant who likes pain and doesn’t say no.  I was conditioned to be that way.
I don’t know what this knowledge means for my future, my kink, or even my relationship. My Master has promised to stay by my side throughout this process. He wants me alive and happy. Right now, I am just trying to take everything day by day and resist the urge to hurt myself.

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