I consider the household my Master has to be 1950s style with a twist. Our household is led by him, he has the final say, and he is the main breadwinner. We both work full-time, but he also works a second job in the evening. My second job is keeping up the house, cooking meals, and etc. We each have our defined roles and I know my place in the world.
I consider what we have to be a 1950s style household while living in the modern world. I work, not only because I like contributing to my Master’s household but because we need the money.
I manage to pull off mostly everything a 1950 wife and mother did with working. I cook the meals from scratch, I clean the house, I attend school functions, I volunteer at the school, I plan trips with the kid, I sew, I serve my Master, I make items for bake sales, and somehow I still manage some me time.
The only thing I can’t pull off is avoiding day care. When my Master’s child was younger we had to put her in day care because we both worked. She didn’t like daycare. But there are some social advantages to her going to daycare. She was able to socialize with children her own age, which was something I couldn’t give her if she sat around at home with me all day. Since we live in a city we can’t tell her to go outside and play until dinner like they did in the 1950s. If I did that in this day and age, she may never come home. So daycare was and still is the next best alternative.
Is it hard to fit everything in? Yes. Is it worth it? I certainly hope so.
-emma
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
MMM…. Pickles
Recently, I have been having some intestinal problems and I was miserable. Then one evening before going to the doctor with my Master we stopped at Arby’s for a quick dinner. I noticed their pickle bar. I have always hated pickles, yet something drew them to me. I grabbed a few and ate them on the side with my sandwich. The pickles seemed to sooth my stomach.
When we got done at the doctor’s office, we went to the grocery store and bought a small jar of dill pickles. They were gone by the next day. My stomach issues became mild and more manageable.
Now I am getting 2 to 3 servings of pickles a day. Whenever my tummy pains start up, I eat a pickle and it soothes it. Granted, this is not a good long-term solution for my intestinal problems because of the amount of sodium in pickles. But for now, until the doctor’s give us a better solution. This is all I have.
So I am just going to sit back and enjoy a pickle or two.
-emma
When we got done at the doctor’s office, we went to the grocery store and bought a small jar of dill pickles. They were gone by the next day. My stomach issues became mild and more manageable.
Now I am getting 2 to 3 servings of pickles a day. Whenever my tummy pains start up, I eat a pickle and it soothes it. Granted, this is not a good long-term solution for my intestinal problems because of the amount of sodium in pickles. But for now, until the doctor’s give us a better solution. This is all I have.
So I am just going to sit back and enjoy a pickle or two.
-emma
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
A Giant Step Backwards
**The following is a rant. It does not name any user names or the exact name of the hate group in question. This blog is very blunt and does contain adult language, which I can use because of the feminist movement.**
I putz a lot of Fetlife. I read a lot of discussion boards that I may or may not be a member of. I like to see the world from other people’s perspective, even if the way they handle life doesn’t fit into my world. I consider myself tolerant of most beliefs, but today I was stocked when I saw a group on FetLife for Anti-Feminism.
I don’t think these “women” realize the reason why they have the rights they do is because of the feminist movement. You know like getting to vote, drive a car, buy property, take dirty pictures of yourself, wear pants, take birth control, and etc. I don’t think these “women” realize that before the feminist movement having a baby by more than one daddy was socially unacceptable and it was okay to beat the wife. So there was no abused card to pull for having more than one baby daddy.
I don’t think they realize that in some countries women cannot leave the house without a male escort. They can’t post pictures clothed or otherwise on the internet. They can’t drive, they can’t hold public office and etc. I wonder if they realize that in these countries a rape victim can get sentenced to death.
For me giving women a fighting chance in the world is what feminism is about. Creating hate groups on a social networking site is shameful. Especially since according to their community guidelines is supposed to create a ‘positive environment’. Trying to take society back a few generations is not creating a positive environment. I sincerely hope the FetLife staff remove this group and put the members that created it on notice for acceptable behavior.
Oh and the crap about people looking down on the stay at home moms is total bullshit. These people have clearly never been to a PTA meeting. All the highly active people in the PTA are stay at home moms and in some cases dads. (Oh but wait, it being socially acceptable to be a stay at home dad happened as a result of the feminism movement.) I got nothing but shit from the PTA because I had a job and I had very limited time available to do stuff at the kid’s school during the week. They thought the fact that I worked was weird.
If you want to be around people that think like you do then go to places where people think like you. If you want to be a stay at home mom then hang out with other stay at home moms. They aren’t hard to find if you actually have children. There are support groups for them and they are the main organizers of stuff at school. If you’re too lazy to actually seek out people who are like you STOP FUCKING COMPLAINING about it!!! Some of us have to work our asses off to get a head in the world. The last thing we need is a hate group on an alternative lifestyles website.
-emma
I putz a lot of Fetlife. I read a lot of discussion boards that I may or may not be a member of. I like to see the world from other people’s perspective, even if the way they handle life doesn’t fit into my world. I consider myself tolerant of most beliefs, but today I was stocked when I saw a group on FetLife for Anti-Feminism.
I don’t think these “women” realize the reason why they have the rights they do is because of the feminist movement. You know like getting to vote, drive a car, buy property, take dirty pictures of yourself, wear pants, take birth control, and etc. I don’t think these “women” realize that before the feminist movement having a baby by more than one daddy was socially unacceptable and it was okay to beat the wife. So there was no abused card to pull for having more than one baby daddy.
I don’t think they realize that in some countries women cannot leave the house without a male escort. They can’t post pictures clothed or otherwise on the internet. They can’t drive, they can’t hold public office and etc. I wonder if they realize that in these countries a rape victim can get sentenced to death.
For me giving women a fighting chance in the world is what feminism is about. Creating hate groups on a social networking site is shameful. Especially since according to their community guidelines is supposed to create a ‘positive environment’. Trying to take society back a few generations is not creating a positive environment. I sincerely hope the FetLife staff remove this group and put the members that created it on notice for acceptable behavior.
Oh and the crap about people looking down on the stay at home moms is total bullshit. These people have clearly never been to a PTA meeting. All the highly active people in the PTA are stay at home moms and in some cases dads. (Oh but wait, it being socially acceptable to be a stay at home dad happened as a result of the feminism movement.) I got nothing but shit from the PTA because I had a job and I had very limited time available to do stuff at the kid’s school during the week. They thought the fact that I worked was weird.
If you want to be around people that think like you do then go to places where people think like you. If you want to be a stay at home mom then hang out with other stay at home moms. They aren’t hard to find if you actually have children. There are support groups for them and they are the main organizers of stuff at school. If you’re too lazy to actually seek out people who are like you STOP FUCKING COMPLAINING about it!!! Some of us have to work our asses off to get a head in the world. The last thing we need is a hate group on an alternative lifestyles website.
-emma
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Dependent Personlity Disorder.
I have always contended that I have a dependant personality. However, I have spent the past couple weeks researching this and I think I am mistaken. I do not show the typical signs of an unhealthy dependency. Since scholarly papers and college libraries are not easily accessed by the typical blog reader. I will reference WebMD for this comparison. I will go through the common characteristics and give my feedback on how they apply or do not apply to me.
“Inability to make decisions, even everyday decisions, without the advice and reassurance of others”
I am able to make everyday decisions and I don’t have trouble making decisions in the work place or deciding what to cook for dinner. Sometimes, my Master will have an idea of what he wants for dinner and I have to use my skill and imagination to make it happen.
Clothes shopping is an area when I do feel the need for reassurance from others, particularly my Master. It has been said by a number of people that I shop like a guy. I go in, I get what I came for and I leave. I am best described as a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl. But my Master likes dresses. So I now have dresses in my wardrobe. I do like to wear dresses, but in less my Master states he wants me to wear one. I don’t, except on the days when I don’t feel like getting dressed.
“Avoidance of personal responsibility; avoidance of jobs that require independent functioning and positions of responsibility”
I would like to think of myself as a responsible person. I handle the bills in my Master’s home. I also work independently at work and if I don’t do my work the impact on the business would be horrible. I consider my work important to the customer and the business. If I don’t do my work then my company is out of compliance with the state regulators which causes fines. We don’t want fines to happen.
I hate working in a group and I hate doing the same mind numbing work every day. I like to change it up a little bit and my work gives that to me.
“Intense fear of abandonment and a sense of devastation or helplessness when relationships end; A person with DPD often moves right into another relationship when one ends”
I am very methodical about the relationships I enter into. When my relationship ended with my first master I was devastated. I felt like a failure and my whole world had crowded in around me. I didn’t feel ready to enter into another relationship at that time. I first had to put my former master behind me before I could submit to a new Master. It took me a year to be able to do this.
That year of soul searching helped me figure out what I wanted and what I didn’t want out of a master. There were some things I learnt from my former master that I took into my next relationship, but there were also things I wanted to focus on more, like service.
“Over-sensitivity to criticism”
I am sensitive, but I don’t think I am overly sensitive in most areas. I can take constructive criticism well, because I feel I am learning something. It is the incoherent criticism I have trouble with, but that typically just irritates me and I brush it off.
“Pessimism and lack of self-confidence, including a belief that they are unable to care for themselves”
I am pessimistic. I am the glass is half empty type of person and I do have issues with my self-confidence. I don’t let this hinder me, if anything I work to overcome it and I feel my Master has helped me with that. I have become much more accepting and loving of my body since being in a relationship with him. He quite simply loves me the way I am, regardless of what shape I am.
“Avoidance of disagreeing with others for fear of losing support or approval”
I disagree with people all the time and I argue with people who post inaccurate information. It is something of a pet peeve of mine. So I don’t care about losing support or approval. I think that if everyone in the world allowed inaccurate information to pass on and be taken as golden text. Then in a few generations we would have the movie, “Idiocracy” in real life.
"Inability to start projects"
I start new projects all the time. I love to experiment in the kitchen and I always have a sewing project going. I always need something on my to-do list. (I write my to-do lists, not my Master.)
“Difficulty being alone”
All I have to say on this is I am introverted. I prefer to be alone.
“Willingness to tolerate mistreatment and abuse from others”
I do have a willingness to tolerate a certain level of abuse. My former master was somewhat abusive. I remember one time in particular when I got an infection (from him sharing me with a friend) and I could not have sex for a week as a result. He was so angry with me, it amazed and terrified me. I realized that he didn’t have my best interest on the top of his priority list. Having someone to fuck was at the top of his priority list. I tolerated him for nine months before I left.
I have also worked in call centers for three years, which is abuse in its own right. I have been called every name in the book, but I found my own way to deal with that. I ignored customers when they started cursing at me and throwing a little fit. My typical line was when they asked if I was there was, “I’m sorry, I stopped listening when you started directing you’re swearing fit at me. I am willing to help you but if you’re going to verbally abuse me. I cannot help you.” Luckily, I am out of that field of work.
“Placing the needs of their caregivers above their own”
I don’t have any caregivers but I do have a Master and I do try to place my needs before his. But it typically doesn’t work out and I get in trouble for not taking care of myself.
“Tendency to be naive and live in fantasy”
I really hate fantasy and I don’t understand people that live in fantasy world. Sure, it is fun and all but you’re missing out on real life. Since I am not gorean; I am not living in a fantasy world within a lifestyle context.
My life is based solidly in reality. There are things I want to do or be but I can’t because this is the real world and not a dream.
-emma
References
http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/dependent-personality-disorder
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0387808/
“Inability to make decisions, even everyday decisions, without the advice and reassurance of others”
I am able to make everyday decisions and I don’t have trouble making decisions in the work place or deciding what to cook for dinner. Sometimes, my Master will have an idea of what he wants for dinner and I have to use my skill and imagination to make it happen.
Clothes shopping is an area when I do feel the need for reassurance from others, particularly my Master. It has been said by a number of people that I shop like a guy. I go in, I get what I came for and I leave. I am best described as a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl. But my Master likes dresses. So I now have dresses in my wardrobe. I do like to wear dresses, but in less my Master states he wants me to wear one. I don’t, except on the days when I don’t feel like getting dressed.
“Avoidance of personal responsibility; avoidance of jobs that require independent functioning and positions of responsibility”
I would like to think of myself as a responsible person. I handle the bills in my Master’s home. I also work independently at work and if I don’t do my work the impact on the business would be horrible. I consider my work important to the customer and the business. If I don’t do my work then my company is out of compliance with the state regulators which causes fines. We don’t want fines to happen.
I hate working in a group and I hate doing the same mind numbing work every day. I like to change it up a little bit and my work gives that to me.
“Intense fear of abandonment and a sense of devastation or helplessness when relationships end; A person with DPD often moves right into another relationship when one ends”
I am very methodical about the relationships I enter into. When my relationship ended with my first master I was devastated. I felt like a failure and my whole world had crowded in around me. I didn’t feel ready to enter into another relationship at that time. I first had to put my former master behind me before I could submit to a new Master. It took me a year to be able to do this.
That year of soul searching helped me figure out what I wanted and what I didn’t want out of a master. There were some things I learnt from my former master that I took into my next relationship, but there were also things I wanted to focus on more, like service.
“Over-sensitivity to criticism”
I am sensitive, but I don’t think I am overly sensitive in most areas. I can take constructive criticism well, because I feel I am learning something. It is the incoherent criticism I have trouble with, but that typically just irritates me and I brush it off.
“Pessimism and lack of self-confidence, including a belief that they are unable to care for themselves”
I am pessimistic. I am the glass is half empty type of person and I do have issues with my self-confidence. I don’t let this hinder me, if anything I work to overcome it and I feel my Master has helped me with that. I have become much more accepting and loving of my body since being in a relationship with him. He quite simply loves me the way I am, regardless of what shape I am.
“Avoidance of disagreeing with others for fear of losing support or approval”
I disagree with people all the time and I argue with people who post inaccurate information. It is something of a pet peeve of mine. So I don’t care about losing support or approval. I think that if everyone in the world allowed inaccurate information to pass on and be taken as golden text. Then in a few generations we would have the movie, “Idiocracy” in real life.
"Inability to start projects"
I start new projects all the time. I love to experiment in the kitchen and I always have a sewing project going. I always need something on my to-do list. (I write my to-do lists, not my Master.)
“Difficulty being alone”
All I have to say on this is I am introverted. I prefer to be alone.
“Willingness to tolerate mistreatment and abuse from others”
I do have a willingness to tolerate a certain level of abuse. My former master was somewhat abusive. I remember one time in particular when I got an infection (from him sharing me with a friend) and I could not have sex for a week as a result. He was so angry with me, it amazed and terrified me. I realized that he didn’t have my best interest on the top of his priority list. Having someone to fuck was at the top of his priority list. I tolerated him for nine months before I left.
I have also worked in call centers for three years, which is abuse in its own right. I have been called every name in the book, but I found my own way to deal with that. I ignored customers when they started cursing at me and throwing a little fit. My typical line was when they asked if I was there was, “I’m sorry, I stopped listening when you started directing you’re swearing fit at me. I am willing to help you but if you’re going to verbally abuse me. I cannot help you.” Luckily, I am out of that field of work.
“Placing the needs of their caregivers above their own”
I don’t have any caregivers but I do have a Master and I do try to place my needs before his. But it typically doesn’t work out and I get in trouble for not taking care of myself.
“Tendency to be naive and live in fantasy”
I really hate fantasy and I don’t understand people that live in fantasy world. Sure, it is fun and all but you’re missing out on real life. Since I am not gorean; I am not living in a fantasy world within a lifestyle context.
My life is based solidly in reality. There are things I want to do or be but I can’t because this is the real world and not a dream.
-emma
References
http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/dependent-personality-disorder
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0387808/
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Dirty Shower
So my Master worked out in the yard and managed to cover himself with dirt, glass, weeds, and who knows what else. The yard does look good. As soon as my Master got done in the yard he hopped into the shower.
A little while later I went into the bathroom and I saw the aftermath of his shower. The bottom of the shower was covered in dirt and various grunge. I am very glad I decided to wait with cleaning the shower until he came in from working in the yard. I would have pouted a lot more if the mess was made in a clean shower.
The good news is a shower is easy enough to clean and cleaning it falls under my job description.
-emma
A little while later I went into the bathroom and I saw the aftermath of his shower. The bottom of the shower was covered in dirt and various grunge. I am very glad I decided to wait with cleaning the shower until he came in from working in the yard. I would have pouted a lot more if the mess was made in a clean shower.
The good news is a shower is easy enough to clean and cleaning it falls under my job description.
-emma
Saturday, July 10, 2010
The Simple Things
Sometimes I forget how the simple things can be pleasing. Today my Master worked in the yard all day and he wanted something light for dinner. He said shrimp, bean sprouts, or salad sounds good.
I incorporated all three into a meal. I made garlic and basil shrimp which I put over a spring salad and bean sprouts. I used balsamic and basil vinaigrette for the salad. I also put rice crackers around the side of salad.
My Master was very pleased with the salad. It really mad him happy and it pleased him a lot. He was more excited about this meal then some of the complex meals that take hours to make. I think tonight worked to remind me that simple meals are pleasing too.
-emma
Friday, July 9, 2010
A Quote
A quote that made me wonder today is, “I am wired to be owned, but I am not wired to obey.”
All I could think is what? Are you serious? Part of being owned by someone is obeying. Obeying kind of goes with the job description. I read that quote to my Master and he had the “you’ve got to be kidding me” look on his face. He said that a slave who doesn’t at least put forth an effort to behave is clueless and is topping from the bottom.
I would have to agree. Being a slave is a lot of hard work, just as being a Master is a lot of hard work. If I started to push my Master every time he ordered me to do something or made up lame excuses. It would come to a point where he would say enough and release me.
My Master doesn’t like the disobeying for the sake of attention types, the ones that get a rise out of watching their Master get pist off. But my Master doesn’t play those sorts of attention games. He will shun and ignore. I consider those sorts of slaves wannabes, I think they watched the Secretary a few too many times. To the point where they think a fictional movie is like real life. In real life, when you start to purposely mess up. It is only a matter of time before ones bags are packed and sitting on the front porch.
-emma
All I could think is what? Are you serious? Part of being owned by someone is obeying. Obeying kind of goes with the job description. I read that quote to my Master and he had the “you’ve got to be kidding me” look on his face. He said that a slave who doesn’t at least put forth an effort to behave is clueless and is topping from the bottom.
I would have to agree. Being a slave is a lot of hard work, just as being a Master is a lot of hard work. If I started to push my Master every time he ordered me to do something or made up lame excuses. It would come to a point where he would say enough and release me.
My Master doesn’t like the disobeying for the sake of attention types, the ones that get a rise out of watching their Master get pist off. But my Master doesn’t play those sorts of attention games. He will shun and ignore. I consider those sorts of slaves wannabes, I think they watched the Secretary a few too many times. To the point where they think a fictional movie is like real life. In real life, when you start to purposely mess up. It is only a matter of time before ones bags are packed and sitting on the front porch.
-emma
Monday, July 5, 2010
Infertility
My Master and I have been together for nearly 7 years and for 6 of those years we have been trying to have a child. We have not been able to conceive. In the course of our relationship, I have had some medical issues; this has lead us to inadvertently find out that my uterus is backwards. I have no doubt that this contributes to our inability to have a child.
I also fear that some of my masochistic tendencies when I was a teenager may not have helped my chances in having a child. When I was with my first master, he on occasion, put a metal rod up my vagina and shocked it with a cattle prod. I do not know for certain if this action caused any sort of long term damage but from what I can gather from the internet it could.
My Master and I have decided to go visit a fertility clinic to see what our options are. I hope that I am able to get pregnant without having to resort to IVF. I have this paranoia of ending up pregnant with 6 babies. My Master has 3 children from previous relationships, so I really only want one child preferably a boy because my Master’s other children are girls.
In the event I become pregnant, I will have a C-section. I am too small to be able to give birth naturally. My mother wasn’t able to give birth naturally and it resulted in the death of my sister. My other sibling and I were born via c-section.
I don’t know if I will breast feed or not. It depends on if I can. I have done a lot of needle play in the past and I remember at one point being able to feel a little tube in my nipple. I can’t feel that little tube anymore.
So I am hoping visiting with a fertility doctor will clear up a lot of questions for us and help us on our path to having a child. The reason we decided to visit a fertility doctor rather than pursue adoption was due to money. The fertility doctor is covered under our medical insurance. Adoption is not covered by insurance.
-emma
I also fear that some of my masochistic tendencies when I was a teenager may not have helped my chances in having a child. When I was with my first master, he on occasion, put a metal rod up my vagina and shocked it with a cattle prod. I do not know for certain if this action caused any sort of long term damage but from what I can gather from the internet it could.
My Master and I have decided to go visit a fertility clinic to see what our options are. I hope that I am able to get pregnant without having to resort to IVF. I have this paranoia of ending up pregnant with 6 babies. My Master has 3 children from previous relationships, so I really only want one child preferably a boy because my Master’s other children are girls.
In the event I become pregnant, I will have a C-section. I am too small to be able to give birth naturally. My mother wasn’t able to give birth naturally and it resulted in the death of my sister. My other sibling and I were born via c-section.
I don’t know if I will breast feed or not. It depends on if I can. I have done a lot of needle play in the past and I remember at one point being able to feel a little tube in my nipple. I can’t feel that little tube anymore.
So I am hoping visiting with a fertility doctor will clear up a lot of questions for us and help us on our path to having a child. The reason we decided to visit a fertility doctor rather than pursue adoption was due to money. The fertility doctor is covered under our medical insurance. Adoption is not covered by insurance.
-emma
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Social Overload
My socialization has been rather high for me lately. It seems like every day for the last month, I have had people see, people to meet, and places to go. This week I met my social maximum and hit what I refer to as social overload.
I spoke with my Master about it, which pushed me to get through the dinner party we had scheduled for Friday evening. He would cancel his friends coming over to help in the backyard on Saturday, so I could have a couple days to myself. I have even decided to turn my cell phone off.
On my first day away from everyone, I must say I am feeling relaxed and better. My Master said that I was starting to act outside my role as his slave, so he knew it was time to give me some solace.
I am severely introverted that is why I have trouble socializing and if I socialize too much it can put me at a point of near meltdown. The last time I took the Myers Briggs Personality Test I had severe introversion. On every question except for one that related to introversion and extroversion I was an introvert.
-emma
I spoke with my Master about it, which pushed me to get through the dinner party we had scheduled for Friday evening. He would cancel his friends coming over to help in the backyard on Saturday, so I could have a couple days to myself. I have even decided to turn my cell phone off.
On my first day away from everyone, I must say I am feeling relaxed and better. My Master said that I was starting to act outside my role as his slave, so he knew it was time to give me some solace.
I am severely introverted that is why I have trouble socializing and if I socialize too much it can put me at a point of near meltdown. The last time I took the Myers Briggs Personality Test I had severe introversion. On every question except for one that related to introversion and extroversion I was an introvert.
-emma
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