Struggling

I have been struggling a lot lately and the thoughts of suicide have not been getting better.  On Thursday, I talked to a clinician over the phone as part of the EAP (Employee Assistance Program) coverage for behavioral health issues. The clinician wanted me to go to the hospital. I declined, because I just don’t want to be locked up like that.

Yesterday, I was pondering taking the old prescription medicine we had in the cabinet and I even fiddled with the containers while my Master wasn’t home. I became very uneasy and unsure of myself. I wanted to take the pills but I knew that it may not work and my Master would be upset.  I decided to lie down and go to sleep. My rest was very agitated but the sleep seemed to help.

Today, my Master and I went shopping. There were unattended children who were playing with a cart and decided to ram it into us. I asked where the children’s parents were and after I found the mother, if you can call her that. She became very defensive and started swearing at me. She wanted me to mind my own business, even though her children were assaulting us. Then the boyfriend or whatever started threatening my Master and my Master starred at him until he walked away. Stuff like this is why I hate humanity. After I got home my head was still racing from the poor parents which seemed to reflect my view on not wanting to be part of this world. 

I paced around the bedroom at home for a few minutes while my Master was in the other room. I cautiously walked over the toy box and I pulled out the knife which has a razor end. I walked into the bathroom and I sat down on the counter. I starred at my right arm for a moment and I focused on a blood vessel that was popping out from the surface. I slowly put the knife up to my arm and I started to push down on the tip. As, I felt the tip enter my skin I heard a clatter in the bedroom. I thought it was my Master. I put the knife down quickly and I got up to see.

It was just my cat and the cat was glaring at me. It was then that I realized that I might need help. I located my Master and I told him that I think I might have to go to the hospital. He agreed and quickly got dressed. On the way to the hospital, I started to have second thoughts about getting admitted into the psychiatric ward because I didn’t want to feel trapped. I know that once I voluntarily enter the hospital for this problem I cannot leave until I get cleared by the doctor.

I convinced my Master just to drive around for awhile and then he asked if I wanted to walk around somewhere for a bit. I agreed. After we got some water, we went to a walking trail we had not been to in sometime. We wandered around for about an hour and we got lost a couple of times. I talked about my woes of life and took in my surroundings. At the end of the walk, I was feeling better.

We decided to grab some dinner and we got it to go and ate at home. Since walking seemed to help ease my desire to do self-harm my Master is going to buy me a treadmill so that I can walk at home too. We had a talk about how he can’t protect me from everything in the house and that it is okay for me not to be in the hospital so long as I don’t try anything stupid. I agreed, so as of right now I am still not in the hospital. I am feeling and thinking those thoughts as the evening goes on, but I am hoping that with rest things will get better. I see my therapist again on Tuesday. I am hoping to be able to make that appointment.