Slipping

*My apologies for the slightly incoherent blog. *

Despite my outward appearance of everything being put neatly together in my life things have been slipping for me lately over the past several months.  I have been having problems with depression, which have become increasingly worse. Over the past couple weeks, I have started to have thoughts of suicide and I find myself contemplating my own demise. It has been bad for awhile for a variety of reasons.

My diet change was hard. I had to give up all the foods that made me happy. I know it is not good to comfort eat, but I don’t even have that as an option my life anymore. I lost 20 pounds as a result. I am now down to a size 0. I can’t go out in public without the generalized public making negative hurtful comments. When I am grocery stopping, I have had obese people stalk me around the store. I have had obese people ask me if I intend on throwing up my food later. I have had them tell me to eat a sandwich. I have been told more times than I can count that I am not a real woman.

I realized the other day, that the older I get the less I fit in with other people. Why? Because I don’t have kids to talk about and I can’t have kids. I realized that despite all the effort and sacrifices I made for my step-child. That will never be good enough for the mommy brigade and nothing I have ever done has allowed me to form a bond with my step-child because her mother decided to use a fucked up form of parenting.  I wonder how such stupid people can pop out kids like candy and how well equipped people can try for years and never become parents.

I had a death in the family in late winter, the day before my birthday. It was a member of my immediate family.  My Master told me of the death and left to go to work 15 minutes later. My parents had already arrived at my house by the time my Master told me. I got to spend the evening with my grieving parents while my Master opted out. He also wasn’t there the next day as he had to go to work and wouldn’t call in for bereavement.  Eventually, he did use his bereavement days but he was still largely focused on his work. He didn’t seem to have much time for my loss.

A couple months later, my job got outsourced to India. I got called into a meeting with HR with most of my team. My supervisor also lost her job. I got told my some of the management that was still employed that the reason why I was rehired was to write the process documents for my department. So that the jobs could be shipped overseas, I finished those documents a week before I got notified of my job loss. I may have single handedly been responsible for most of my department losing their jobs and I didn’t even know I was getting setup. I felt like a complete utter failure.

I got laid-off with notice, so I still had to walk into this office every day until I found outside employment.  After I received that paperwork, I got a lot worse. My Master once again was busy and stressed out with work. He didn’t have the time to help me work through this and process what happened. I felt alone and uncertain of what to do.

I began having trouble sleeping and I would wake up completely soaked in sweat. Every day, when I would walk into work I would worry that someone was going to grab me and hurt me. I felt myself getting slowly and slowly more paranoid.  I felt myself isolating myself from those around me and I lost interest in all of my hobbies.  I didn’t see the point in continuing them. I lost interest in everything.  I don’t care about keeping up with household chores or serving my Master. It doesn’t give me the joy it once did. It just doesn’t matter to me anymore. 

Since the lay-off, I am no longer with that company. I have changed jobs twice since then. The first job was terrible. It was hostile and I felt couldn’t deal with the aggressive and second-class nature in which I was treated. My Master ordered me to quit. I have since found another job, which appears to be a good fit and that is the only plus I can think of.

Despite, things looking better on the job front I am still finding myself going deeper and deeper into this depression. My Master has also wanted to move out into the countryside, which sounds reasonable except for the way he wants to do it. He wants to take on tent living or buying a rundown house and doing repairs as we can afford them. That sounds like hell to me. It sounds scary to live in a tent or a boarded up house. People prey on those that are weak and we would be prey in that situation.

My Master finally took notice this week. My Master is making some efforts now to be there for me. But I honestly don’t know how much that will help, because he wasn’t always there for me. One of the reasons why, I wanted to be a slave is because I didn’t want to be alone or make choices alone. However, because my Master got engrossed in his work that is what happened. My Master tells me that he wanted to give me more latitude and to see how I would function and that is why he became so focused on his work, not surprisingly I failed miserably.

I opened up to him about my thoughts of suicide and we went to the doctor today. I now have a prescription for an anti-depressant. My doctor thinks that the depression is most likely a manifestation of past trauma. I am now going to a therapist once a week for the foreseeable future. I suppose in order for me to get better, I will have to face the demons that have haunted me throughout my life. I just don’t know if I really want to face that. I have always runaway from problems and more than anything. I just want the thoughts to stop. I want to feel safe and I do not feel that in this life. I don’t know what the future holds for me. Right now, I am just struggling not to get institutionalized.  

If I continue down the path I am on, I know I am going to get institutionalized. I am trying so hard to find something to live for, something to find meaningful and I keep coming up empty. Life just seems like an endless series of struggles for nothing.  I’ve noticed today, that the world tends to hate me until I tell them I don’t want to be a part of their world anymore. Then all of a sudden the world seems to care. 

Human nature is a fucked up thing.