Ever since I got the news that not only do I have polycystic ovarian syndrome but my Master also has a low sperm count making it next to impossible to have a baby. I have lost interest in sex. This has been going for over a year now.
Sex is painful for me and it is not something I enjoy. I never have enjoyed sex or having anything inserted in me. I am the girl who doesn’t like dick, to be fingered, or dildos. Sometimes I wonder if I was meant to be a lesbian.
I have sex for only one reason to serve my Master. I think the fact that we are both broken makes me not want to engage in this activity. My Master has understood and sometimes we have done alternate activities to help him get off. I think to some degree I feel like I am doing a disservice to my Master because part of what failed with the baby making process is me. I think it is one of those things that you failed at doing so many times that you do not want to do it anymore. Then to know no matter how many times you try you are going to fail every, single time.
I have been attempting at getting the right mindset back on this. We have put the idea of having a baby on the shelf permanently. So it is just a matter of being reconditioned to have sex for my Master’s pleasure rather than the ultimate goal of getting pregnant. It hasn’t been easy. I think this goes back to it is easier to train someone from scratch than to retrain someone.
The odd thing is when my Master and I met I was trained to have sex for his pleasure. Then he retrained me to have sex to make a baby. Now, he has to undo that training and revert back to having sex for pleasure. Sometimes it is odd how life works out.
-emma
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