There are times when I feel like a loser. I was scrolling through my FB page which is home to my vanilla friends. It was filled with pictures of their kids and separation woes for the coming first day of school. My page was filled with pictures of my cats.
I do not get to bask in the glory of my growing children and vent about the struggles. I get to be the one without kids. The wife who failed to produce any children in her marriage it bothers me when I think about it. I will have no children to talk about; my blood line will end with me.
I suppose part of what bothers me, is my friends have their family and they are watching their children grow up. Everything is going in a positive direction for them. They may not be progressing in their careers but they still have their children who are steadily progressing at school and at home. I have a career that is going nowhere and nothing to really talk about.
My big joy every week is when my Master and I rent a movie to watch together. I review the movie on my FB page, much to the amusement of my friends. I find it interesting because they have a family and they spend their time doing family things and they envy me because I can watch rated R movies and it is not a huge event.
I suppose we both envy each other for what the other one has. I have free time and the ability to function more freely in an adult only environment and they have the family I want. My friends know it bothers me that I do not have children, especially since we lost my step-child. I suppose part of my envy of my friends is I remember doing all the mom things with my step-kid and stressing about the first day of school.
Today, I wanted to tell her something. I do not remember what it was so I walked into her room and I just stood there. It is now a room with a bed and miscellaneous boxes. The only long-term resident of the room is my cat. It felt like a ton of bricks hit my chest when I remembered she’s not coming home.
I get to live my life with the knowledge that everything I did for my step-kid doesn’t really matter. After we lost her, one person said to me, “You’re not a real mom.” I suppose that insensitive line sums up what I have struggled with for years.
-emma
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Dear Emma,
ReplyDeleteI have stumbled upon your blog quite by chance and felt the need to post a comment.
Whilst my wife and I do not live the same lifestyle as you and your Master, we do share the same issues of childlessness.
I completely understand the pain you feel when you compare your life and its 'contents' with your friend's lives and their 'contents'.
It is hard to see positively when the thing that you have set your heart and mind on is denied you and there appears to be nothing that can be done to alter that fact. In this world we live in, it is almost second nature to expect to be able to go to a doctor or to look on the Internet to get the 'fix' no matter what the problem.
After 8 years of trying for a child of our own and 10 miscarriages, my wife and I have had to concede that the chances of us having our own, biological, child are pretty remote. After a considerable period of grieving this (something we are each still going through in different ways - I doubt one ever truly gets over something like this), we are heading down the path of adoption.
We believe that we are truly meant to be parents. We know that we will make good ones and we also know that somewhere out there is a little boy or a little girl who deserves a better start to their life. Through no fault of their own, they are in a situation which we can make better.
It is a long journey and we are nearing the end of it now but it has been rough going along the way. What has kept us going through it all though is the knowledge that one way or another, we will be a mum and dad.
At first, I too struggled with the fact that I would not be able to continue my blood line. I was furious that I would not be able to see my wife go through the stages of pregnancy and to give birth at the end - the one thing that she has longed to do ever since we got married - or to get to see my son or daughter smile at me for the first time. Eventually however, after talking a lot to my wife and speaking to a counsellor a few times to help me to unpick my feelings about being a parent a little more, I came to realise that I could still be a fantastic dad.
Whilst we may not get to combine our genes to make the child, that isn't necessarily the be all and end all. It doesn't take much to be a mother or a father (the world is full of teenage and unwanted pregnancies after all - as annoying as this may be when you walk down the street and see a young, frazzled parent struggling to cope with their situation and shouting or swearing at their poor child); it takes a lot to be a mum or a dad though and I am looking forward to being there for our son or daughter and teaching them right from wrong; seeing their joy and amazement as they learn and experience new things and doing everything in my power to be the dad that I know I can be.
These words may not be of any consolation to you right now but hopefully they at least let you know that there are other people who know exactly how you feel and send their love your way to try to make things just a little easier.
It may not be of any interest to you, or you may already know of it, but my wife was recommended a book called 'Beyond Childlessness' by another lady in our adoption group and, whilst you may feel it is not the right time for you, perhaps it could be of use in the future?
In any case, I wish you good luck on your journey, wherever it takes you, and I hope that you can continue to feel the strength and love of your Master to help you to get through this time in your life.
With love and kind wishes,
Greg
I get to live my life with the knowledge that everything I did for my step-kid doesn’t really matter. After we lost her, one person said to me, “You’re not a real mom.” I suppose that insensitive line sums up what I have struggled with for years.
ReplyDeleteMay I just say - Bull F*%&#$g crap about the person who said that and about everything you did not mattering. You are as much of a real mom as anyone else.
I lost two babies, when the second one died - my mother said "Thank goodness, it isn't as if you needed another one!"
People can be idiots.
Your step daughter may not know it today or tomorrow or next year or 5 years from now but one day something you did, something you said, something you were there for her for will matter, it will make a difference and it will mean something. That's about all any "real" parent can hope for is to know that one something means something at some point in their kids life.
magdala~