M/s relationships and the signs of abuse

I often hear M/s relationships sharing the markers for an abusive relationship, but are not abusive. I was strolling around on the internet today and I found one of those articles about abuse, which is supposed to describe an M/s relationship as well. It did not describe mine. Maybe my Master is different but those things in the article were not in my relationship, however I could see them in my relationship with my former Master.

The first thing it mentioned was fearing upsetting your partner and avoiding talking about unpleasant situations. When I was with my former Master, I certainly feared telling him anything and I feared not being up to par. I felt very hopeless in that relationship. With Master Howard, I do not feel that way. I do not fear talking to him about anything, nor do I worry about what his reactions will be.

The second thing it mentioned is financial control meaning your partner would have strict control over the money and not provide for your basic care. In my previous relationship, I wasn’t allowed to work and I didn’t have access to money. My medical needs were not taken care of and I distinctly remember whenever I found money while doing laundry. I would hide it away so someday I might be able to leave.

In my relationship with Master Howard, he does have the final say with how the money is spent, but I still have access to the accounts and I pay the bills. When I am not sick, I am working outside the home in a job that we both agree is workable for us. My Master can tell me to quit a job, if he feels it is imposing too much stress on me. I don’t think this is abusive; it is keeping me from having an abusive relationship with my employer. My Master and I did talk at length before we decided to combine bank accounts and I had a separate account for the first two years of our relationship.

The third thing it mentioned was name calling and attempts to humiliate me. I think this is one of those time and place things. This one did come close to being part of my relationship, but the key difference is humiliation is a kink of mine. If my Master calls me a dirty slut in the bedroom or as part of foreplay, then that is going to turn me on. If we were discussing serious things like family issues, money, and etc and he called me a name. I can see how that would be considered something negative.

The fourth one is controlling behavior with being jealous or possessive. My Master is not a jealous person, but he does want me to check in from time to time. Not because he doesn’t trust my actions, but because he wants to know if I arrived to wherever it was I am going safely. He doesn’t mind if I talk to other people, as long as they are respectful and they aren’t trying to manipulate me. With my former Master, he didn’t like me talking to others and if I ever went anywhere without him. I had to have a minute by minute account as to what I was doing.

The fifth one is threatening behavior and the use of force. My former Master threatened me all the time. He threatened to kill me, beat me, chop me up into little pieces, and etc. Those sorts of threats have never happened in my relationship with Master Howard. He doesn’t threaten to harm me or anyone else to get what he wants. I willingly submit to him and I have a desire to do what he wants.

In regards to force, they were talking about your partner forcing themselves on you to have sex or hit you out of anger. Both of these things have happened in my previous relationship, but they have not happened in my relationship with Master Howard. I have had surgeries, headaches, and just generally worn out during the course of my relationship with him. I have never felt pressured to have sex with him. I don’t get my rocks off from sex, but I have never been forced into it by Master Howard. He was made accommodations when I have been ill or tired. In fact, I have been getting these messed up headaches where I have trouble gripping, seeing, and talking. I told my Master I think it would be hot if he had sex with me when I was having one of those. He told me no, because that could harm me.


-emma

Here is the article referenced in this post.
http://www.ehow.com/how_5662320_tell-abusive-relationship.html