The Truth About Sharing

As a slave, I live a life where I have chosen for better or for worse to hand over control of my life to another. This includes what is done to my body. Some of the choices that have been made for me have caused me to have reservations and unwelcome feelings to this day.

Master Howard has not shared me, but my former Master did. I did not use as much forethought when I found my first Master. Back then, I was looking for a way out of the small town I lived in and this lifestyle sounded new and exciting. From short conversations with Dominants online, I thought they were relatively the same. This was a gross misconception I had, but I was young, underage, and naive.

The first time I had sex with another man I felt like I was getting raped, though I did not put up a struggle. I knew that struggling and being resistant would cause negative consequences for me. Someone asked me once why I never cried out while this was going on. I told them, "It hurts less when you don't put up a fight." Once when I did balk at the idea of sexually entertaining other men my former Master asked what I am here for. I remember being hit and crying in a corner before I dried my tears and submitted as he wished.

It changed my perception on how I viewed people. Most of the men really didn’t care what I was thinking when I was being shared. Most of the time, I would turn my head away from them and let my mind wander to another place in time. I would always picture a grassy field with the wind lightly blowing the grass. It just seemed so peaceful to me.

My experience of being shared with a woman for the first time was difficult for me. Women talk more than men during sex and it felt awkward. With a woman, I couldn’t just check out mentally and I think my discomfort with the situation made it more enjoyable for the other party.

Aside from mental issues with being shared, it caused health problems. My former Master wasn’t big on screening partners, so it seemed like every month I had a yeast infection or some other type of infection. I would get punished anytime I got an infection. When I was punished, I was beat and I had various injuries from that.

After I gathered the courage to leave my former Master, I went back home and tried to go back to a normal life. I found that I had a fear of being around people in general. Being alone in a car with someone I wasn’t close friends with caused me a lot of anxiety. I ended up living alone in a two bedroom apartment.

I remember the first time; two of my classmates from college came over. I didn’t know how to entertain or what to say. I was terrified that they would want to have sex with me. I found that closing my bedroom doors and the bathroom door helped to lessen my stress. Although I probably sweated buckets on the first time they came over. It helped me move past my fear of always being used as a sexual object.

After I met Master Howard, the first time he told me he wanted to invite a bunch of his male friends over and have a dinner party. I was terrified. We had talked in the past about how he didn’t have a desire to share me, but it is always in the back of my mind what if he changes his mind. My Master didn’t change his mind on not sharing me when he has his friends over. I cooked dinner and excused myself to another room. My Master knew I had some baggage with having people over so he allowed me to have some space.

I have gotten better over the years, but there are still some things that make me think about those times when I was shared. I do not know if I will ever be able to truly put those experiences behind me. However without those experiences, I do not think I would be the person I am today. I learnt something about myself and about what “I” want out of my life from those experiences.

I learnt that I do not want to be shared in the area of having sex with someone else. I have found that being with a woman close to my age is okay with me. I have the ability in this relationship to decline being sexual with another woman, if I get uncomfortable for any reason. My Master has never made me feel pressured to do anything with another woman. Sometimes, I do call a break, because I get the feeling like I did when I was openly shared.

I still do not let friends come over one on one. That makes me uncomfortable. I have never been to a friend’s house when they were the only one home since leaving my former Master. I just cannot do it. I offer an alternative, like inviting someone else to come over or going to somewhere instead. I am terrified that I will be put in a situation where the person will make sexual advances at me and I will not know how to handle it.

-emma